Long laborious ramble about me.

Today is slow. The annual freshers rush has ended and we are all sat at our desks trying to look busy when there is really nothing to do. I hate these lulls (I hate being mad busy too) especially as I get plenty of “think time”. I really hope I never ever end up in prison or trapped in a building on my own somewhere as I really would go mad. Long periods of inactivity and boredom result in me getting all morose about myself and situation. I start daydreaming about future plans and hair-brain schemes. I then start thinking about how, had I done something different or known something different years ago, I might have been in slightly different circumstances. Or I will think about something that will get me out of my “hate this job” situation, investigate and find that short of being strapped for cash for a few years there’s nothing I can do about it.

I then get vexed as I think about the missus, complete with a Sociology degree, a masters in Women’s Studies and half a Masters in Enterprise, sat at home unable to get a job. I say unable. She is quite able but unfortunately she is being too picky about which jobs she is applying for. She had a temp job which she did for 3 days. A temp job as a PA! She’s not even been a secretary before for fucks sake! Yet she waltzes into a temporary PA job then has a revelation that the job, even though it was only for 7 weeks, was a) too menial b) could have been made permanent so she breaks down and gets signed off on stress. The temping agency has now taken a back seat in her quest to find a new job. Next week she is planning on staying in Wakefield for a few days (and she wants the car She can piss off!) so that she can apply for jobs. Thing is I know she won’t. She’ll send off a few applications, get bored, then spend 80% of the time farting about with baby Merrie. Thing is if I confront her with these things she’ll deny them then turn the discussion round to me and my inadequacies. So I’ll just be my usual self, not mention anything about how I feel and get on with it (I am too soft I know!) things wont change I’ll get more and more wound up. I’ll pop (ie finally give in and say how I feel about it all), she’ll get upset and the whole thing will come crashing down round me. Which I don’t want.

All I want is a green light for a career change. Yeah ok looking at shops and pubs to buy are footsteps in that direction but that’s all they are. Soon as we get to a point where it might become a reality one of us shys away (Oh I’ll miss my friends, Oh it might not work, Mummy mummy I’m scared) and everything goes back to square one. I know the only way I can actually feel like I’m achieving something is to do some form of a vocational course or a degree. But I don’t want to (and know it wont work if I do) do it part time if I can help it.

Delia (my boss) often calls me in for little stress busting chats about where I am at I’ve discussed this with her but all work can offer me is sodding self development wanky courses (ie How to make a cup of tea, Licking the arse of customers or You are a drone get used to it) or a part time course (MSCE or Aplus) in wanky computer things. BUT I DON’T WANT TO WORK IN I.T. ANY MORE! So I am exactly back at that position I was before I left HSE. I realise I need to change my path. I make enquires into what to do then something comes along and scuppers it. (Last time it was a job offering more money and what seemed like more progression but that turned out to be all lies and actually a highly stressful pile of arse. Working on Telewests Blueyonder Internet Technical Support Line).

[I Paused here for lunch]

I look at these career change things and all I can see is assistance for those out of work or those who can afford to take time out from employment. Lets do the maths:-

I work 7 hours a day (8 if you include lunch) 5 days a week. That’s 35 hours a week or 140 hours a month (av.). I earn gross 1,544.75 [of which I get £420.69 deducted for taxes, pension and sports centre usage leaving me with £1124.06 to play with a month (Of that £1124 I get £300 personal spends)] So roughly if I was to drop a days work I would stand to be earning £1411 a month costing me Ah…hmmm….I’d only be worse off by about £300 a month. mmm….see working these things out aloud helps sometimes.

Thing is even if I do cut down by 1 day (for educational purposes) its not just me that would be £300 worse off a month. Looking at angelhands sums we would only really be able to survive on my wages and her redundancy for the next 3 months. Guess that means I should kick her up the arse and get her to get a job to take the £300 a week short fall. Though even better thinking is I have only just had a pay rise which works out at about £100 a month and my loan payments (£150 a month since 1998) finish in January….and even then that depends on whether there is a start date soon or will I have to wait until September (something I’m not too keen on). Either way I will probably have to wait until the missis gets another job.

Hmm….This is what (and why) I do livejournal for. I can get my thoughts written out and see things as a whole and a lot clearer (as well as valuable input from you lot). Ah well…more things for me to think about….Things feel better though….

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Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.