Dear Mr Council,

Thank you for repairing the first 30ft or so of Church Street which, incidentally, seems to go past a campaign donors house. I think your chaps did a damn fine job and can only suspect that they are intending to continue their sterling work and finish the rest of the street after their holiday, which it seems, started on Friday last week. The Brierley Pot Holes are in danger of getting European protected status if they happen to remain much longer. Though, on reflection, this may actually be your intention. Am I right? Is Brierley to become a new World Heritage Site? Renown for its pot holes. Of course I am being very presumptuous. The workmen aren’t on holiday are they? They’re waiting for the speed bumps and traffic calming measures for Church Street that they’ve got on order. After all there has been a run on them of late. Please accept my apologies!

While I’m on the subject of Church Street, I wrote to you some months previous concerning the dangerous junction of Church Street, Common Road and Brierley Road. I feel that exploiting the danger of this junction would also encourage visitors to the Brierley Pot Holes to experience the junctions thrills and spills. Maybe there could be a small fee levied to each visitor. The proceeds from which could help pay your golf club membership or into some health club scheme. The invitation is open to you and your lovely Lexus. I’m sure you would enjoy the thrill of taking your car out of the shared driveway more, if you brought your favourite car. We could even sell “Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care” T Shirts at the entrance just to remind passers-by that even though the Council is aware of the dangerous junction, because the junction has listed World Heritage status there is no need to worry about breaches of that duty. Again, we could charge for the T-shirts, that’ll help fund us both a nice new widescreen TV. Oooh or how about “Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care” Breeches! You see? The clever play on words? Duty of Care Breeches…no?? Oh well…Still I think they’d be quite fashionable.

Also we could install a toilet at the bottom of my drive as it seems that most people use it as a public convenience anyway. Isn’t there some bylaw or ancient rite or something similar to the laws behind right of way? Maybe we could install a nice marble urinal with all the money from the Tshirts and breeches? I feel these facilities will also come in handy for the daily Brierley Speedway and Grand Prix events which seem to be gaining popularity in the area.

Kind Regards,

Stegzy Gnomepants

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.

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