More Nursery Rhymes For the Modern Day

Following on from this series

Humpty Dumpty Sat on the Wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Gave him MRSA
And so he died

Hey Diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
Appeared on Youtube
and got 2 million hits

See Sore
Marjory Daw
Should have gone to the GUI clinic
When she first noticed the rash

Hickory Dickory Dock
The Mouse ran up the clock
And got caught in the humane trap at the top of it

 

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the Corner
Because he was an obese child
And got bullied a lot

 

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a social worker
And took her away because her parents obviously didn’t feed her properly (and were probably satanists what with the spider obsession and all)

Ride a Cock horse to Banbury Cross
Because there is no room on the train
During rush hour

Georgie, Porgie, Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
All four youths were placed on the sex offenders list
and given a 5 year suspended sentence

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
Both of them were put on a drip
In an effort to stop their hunger strike

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down
Falling down
So it received a National Lottery restoration grant

 

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder
What you are?
Probably Venus low in the night sky or a weather balloon or a low flying aircraft
Not a UFO at all

 

Three Blind Mice
See how they run
They were released from an animal research lab
Where they were tested with deadly viruses in their eyes
And now they’re infecting the population.

Hush little baby dont say a word
Mama’s gonna buy you everything you want
And you will grow up to be an obnoxious ungrateful
Spotty teenager with angst issues and absolute distaste for your parents
Because no matter how much they spent on you you never really wanted it anyway
and you’ll scream “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU SUCK” and throw tantrums and paint your room black
and get your lip pierced with one of those 3 inch pipe things that will no doubt make you ever so slightly unemployable and do drugs
and that

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub
And how do you think they got there?
They met on Gaydar and regularly meet
for mutual kinky soapy sex games

Ladybird Ladybird
Fly away home
Your house is on fire
Because housing developers have chopped down
Your natural woodland habitat
To make way for 14 New Luxury Serviced Apartments
In this highly desirable area featuring en-suite bathrooms
Air conditioning, underground parking and secure access.
A snip at £750,000 (for a one bedroom unit)

 

226.8 grams of Tuppeny rice
226.8 grams of Treacle
Is more than most starving people in the third world
Get in a year
So be thankful you’ve got that
Spoilt brat that you are

 

Published by

stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.