The Compostual Existentialist

Wordpress flavour with added crunchy bits


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Tosser of the day award

First Posted on Livejournal in 2006.

 

**Cue Cheesy Big Band Music**
**Audience applause**
Announcer:- Ladies and Gentlemen… Live from the heart of Livejournal …. It’s the Tosser of the Day awards…..and here are your hosts….Terry Forsyth and Fern Finnegan

**Audience applause**

Enter: Host Terry Forsyth; Big chins, big toupé, big ego and Fern Finnegan; fat arse, no personality, cheesy grin.
**Audience go wild**
Terry: Thank you thank you! No please! Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight…hehe…tonight we bring you the award for the biggest…hehe…yes madam that’s bigger than your husband’s…complete tosser from the passage of today….
Fern: Yes Terry…tonight’s award goes to Professor Pepé, head of the department of Rectal Studies at Arse University.
Terry: hoo hoo Fern its a good one is it not?
Fern: Yes indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah for me old Irish charm couldn’t out do this desk monkey even if I tried. Coudit? Ah bejesus.
Fern: Indeed not Terry…So without further ado here is a transcript of the event which awards this gentleman. Lets see if you can spot the tossery that takes place.
**Run VT**


Scene Help desk
**Telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Help desk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.
stegzy – o_0
Prof Pepé – Hello yes. It is Professor Pepé, department of Rectumology I have a problem which was reported by my colleague on my behalf I am wondering if you can tell me when it is likely to be fixed it has been over 20 minutes since he called.
stegzy – o_0……erm…yes well we do have a standard 8 hour response time and the technicians are very busy at the moment so it could take anything up to 8 hours for someone to come over. Do you have a job reference number so that I can check the status of this job for you.
Prof Pepé – ah no my colleague hasn’t informed me of this “reference number” I shall find this out and call you back. Thank you.


Terry: Ok Fern me plump potato. Tell me did you spot the three points of Tossery that happened in that transcript? T’be sure?
Fern: I did indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah ha! Yes! But there’s more..


Scene Helpdesk
**telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Helpdesk
Secretary – Hello Its Professor Pepé’s secretary again. Please hold the line while I put you through again
stegzy – heh
Prof Pepé – Hello yes it’s me again. I have the number for you. It’s fl343940
stegzy – uh huh….right…I can see that your colleague actually only called this in 25 minutes ago. So it is highly unlikely that a technician would be able to call 5 minutes after he logged the call. And your problem is something that is going to require a visit.
Prof Pepé – I see. So when do you think the technician will call.
stegzy – Like I said earlier, I am unable to tell you exactly when a technician will call because they are, at this time of year especially, exceedingly busy and they do have an agreed 8 working hour turn around.
Prof Pepé – I see…so any idea when?
stegzy – Well let’s see…that could be any reasonable time, during working hours, between now and 8 hours time.
Prof Pepé – I see. Ok…thank you for you help.


Terry :hooohoo that Pepé he’s a card.
Fern: Indeed he is Terry. The three of diamonds. But lets see if the audience at home noticed the three points of tossery that were committed.

But lets go through them one by one for the audience at home

**cue Flashy lights & cheesy music**
Fern: Tossery point number one Terry, was:-

stegzy – Hello Helpdesk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.

Terry: Ah bejesus. So it is. Tossery point number one. Nobody is that important that they can not use a telephone to call a person, company or department themselves. Getting your secretary or someone else to dial a number for you unless you have no hands just shows what a tosser you are
Fern: Yes Terry and point of tossery number two:-
Terry: Point numero dos, or as they say in the old country Point number two, is If you ask someone a question listen carefully to their first answer. If you ask them the same question later on it makes you sound senile or just ignorant. Remember, nobody is that important that they don’t have to listen to what people say. Especially if you ask THEM a question
Fern: – Finally Terry, point number three.
Terry: The turd point…Just because you think you’re God sat in your leather bolster lined room, getting your secretary to dial telephone numbers for you and not listening to peoples answers after you have asked them a question, the rest of the world does not stop just because you have a problem with the geometry of your monitor. Nor are you so important that you are unable to press the buttons on the front of your monitor yourself!

**Audience go crazy**

Fern So congratulations Prof Pepé our award is on its way to you and I hope you work out the difference between your trapezoid and your pin balance. Terry?
Terry: Call me Ol’ Tel.
Fern: If you pinch my arse like that again I’ll twat you one and then I’ll set my husband onto you. He’s a TV Chef you know.

**audience go wild**

**roll credits**


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People are People – Classic from the archives

I’ve noticed there are several types of people that use help desks.

1. The Finger Post Gazers – Thems the type that come to the desk wanting something that’s right under their noses. Often unable to see beyond their personal space. They see assistants purely as a finger post

User – Can you tell me where the wall is please?
stegzy – **points**

2. The Rule Bender – They know the rules. They’ve been explained on countless occasions. But regardless they constantly try to get the rules bent. They have an aura of self importance.

Stegzy – I’m sorry you can’t borrow this book as it is reference only.
User – Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease

3. The Fake Dozer – They are generally quite bright and eloquent. But they know that if they act like dozy duffers they’ll generally get their way. Kind of related to the Rule Bender.

4. The Best Friend – These are the people that see every helpful person as their bestest bestest friend. They use friendly names, banter and generally seem pleasant. But secretly they are shallow manipulative people. They use their friendliness to make the assistant feel bad about being rude to them or for pointing out the rules.

5. The Dependant – They will not take advice from any Tom Dick or Harry. They want their favourite. If their favourite is not available then they either huff or question your every drop of advice. The look on their face when you point out that their favourite’s advice is flawed is often priceless.

6. The Daily Questioner – These people can not go 24 hours without asking a question. Even if there is no genuine need to ask a question they will. They can often be seen straining to think of a question they can ask and the questions they do ask are often banal. Like “Is there air in this room?” or “Which way is down?”

7. The Stupid – These people genuinely are as daft as a brush. They are generally ignorant of the huge 82pt bold signs on walls or doors stating purpose. Unfortunately they are pandemic.

User – **ignoring the sign on the door that says HELPDESK** Excuse me, Is this the helpdesk?
Stegzy – No it’s the fucking butchers.

I’m sure there are more but I can’t think of them at the moment, I’m being pestered by a Best Friend and a Stupid.


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The Old Grey Stegzy Gnomepants Test

So following the untimely passing of one of my fellow students, I have been digging around my old archive to see what stuff I have from the time.

One of my favourite all time things was when I directed and produced a “Live” broadcast as part of my Media Production Degree. The first we heard of it was when our lecturer, Alf, told us the previous day we were to be filming and mixing a “Live” performance of the Music students. I had always wanted to produce a music video and my this was my chance. However, before you judge, there are some things you should know:-

  • The whole thing was unprepared.
  • The musicians had never performed with each other as a group before.
  • The musicians had only 3 days or so to practice.
  • The sound mixing came from the Sound Technology students who also didn’t appear to be prepared (as you will hear from the video)
  • I started to get into the swing of it by the third set.

Anyway, as you will see, there are some talented people out there. I just wish I knew who they all were! If you know, feel free to post a link to the video on your Facebook.

Bands from stegzy gnomepants on Vimeo.


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Friends

My philosophy is that we are all on a journey together. We walk different paths. Sometimes the paths are close to each other and we walk some distance together before the paths diverge. Other times the paths continue on together for what seems like a long time. While walking these paths we make friends with our fellow walkers. They become life time companions. Others diverge, people we once knew that move on to other things maybe even a few we lose touch with. Some walkers on these paths reach the goal before others and they exit through the gift shop, picking up their celestial commemorative photos on the way. Some enjoy the walk so much that they buy another ticket and the path of life for them begins again.

Three things happened this weekend that kind of reminded me of how fluid friends are. The first was my parents. They are both in their seventies. My mum’s phone kept ringing throughout my stay in Liverpool. It was either this person or that person. When the phone wasn’t ringing, it would be a neighbour popping down the road for a quick chat or a friend just passing to say hello. I realised I no longer have this experience. I have not had this experience since 2006 and even then it was waning.

The second occurred because of a breakdown in communication. My paranoia rose and in the short space of a moment I went from a feeling of fondness to a feeling of slight betrayal about that person. The feelings of slight betrayal grew into a feeling of loneliness, because yes, even after 2 years in the midlands, I am still to foster new friendships to the same levels of those friends I left behind in Liverpool and Yorkshire. But the next thing to happen made those feelings feel selfish and insignificant

Steve Haigh 1985 - 2012The third thing that happened was I had a message through Facebook from someone off the course I was on at Barnsley UCB. The message told me that another one of my friends, , had died suddenly in their sleep. He was 26. This kind of knocked me for six and today I conversed with the friend who messaged me about how quickly we all drifted apart.

I believe that Facebook (and for that matter, the internet) gives us a false feeling of connection. We meet many people through our lives. Each person influences us in some fashion and we develop our own personality from the sum of the people we interact with, both those we get along with and those we don’t. I won’t dwell on those we don’t get along with. In fact I’ll just say “Life is too short for grudges no matter what a person has done”. I think that’s the core of what some bloke said two thousand years ago. But they nailed him to a tree and I don’t fancy that fate so I won’t dwell as I said.

Sure the internet has helped us touch others we might never meet and, conversely, it has helped us to keep touching the same and those we may be never able to touch again because of geographical constraints. Like this blog. You, my dear reader, you I have touched many times. In polite company I might be arrested I have reached out over the web waves and through your screen, there I reach through the glass of your monitor and caress the back of your mind with tenderness, showing my appreciation and love for you all in my own special way. We click. We share our experiences. We share the path together for some time.

Crucially the point is how well do you know people. Apart from your closer family and friends, when was the last time you met that person on your Facebook? Have you even met them? When did they last touch you? Did you tell the police? When was the last time you were in the same town or geographical region as them? Did you even look them up? Would you look them up? Even if it was just for a five minute hello and catch up? What would you do if they stopped posting on Facebook, Twitter or Livejournal? Would you contact them to check they were alright?

I did an experiment this year. Back in the early noughties I was a prominent presence in the Thirty something chat rooms on Freeserve. People loved to chat with me. I loved to chat with people. Sadly, for personal reasons, I had to stop going into the chat rooms. Within 9 months I had a letter from one of the people who regularly visited the chatrooms. I wasn’t particularly close to them but they wrote to show their concern at not seeing me online for so long. This year I stopped liking and posting on Facebook. Nobody messaged me. Nobody enquired about my health. Ok granted, a good deal of people on my Facebook know people I know and no doubt I suspect they thought if anything was wrong they would know through them. In away, Steve’s death reinforced this fact. I would probably never have known had it not been for another friend pointing out the announcement on Facebook. Have we really all drifted apart? Or is it just my feeling of isolation that brings this to me?

So I now ask you to look again at your Facebook, Twitter and LJ accounts and friends lists. If there is someone on there who has truly touched you in some way or other tell the police, and you haven’t heard from them for a while, message them. Let them know you think of them still. Don’t delete them. Don’t ignore them and hope they message you. And I’m not saying just like a post of theirs or comment vacuously on some posting of theirs. Make an effort. Email them. Message them directly. Say hi. Ask them how they are. Ask them a question. Tell them I told you to do it. Who knows, maybe I’ll get some messages too. The people we meet on our journey along life’s paths are gifts and guides to us. Cherish each and every person you meet. Listen to them. Talk to them. Share your message so they too can touch and impart a piece of you onto others. Without getting arrested.


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Bloopers of the day: 1

In case you have no idea what it is that I do, basically it’s this….I assess assessments for students doing IT qualifications.

The current assessment I am assessing is report written by the students on installing a new hard drive. Bloopers include:

“To install the hard drive first open the cassis” – Because you need a strong blackcurrant drink before you even start looking at the inside of a PC

“With The Hard Drive Back Inn” – The pub all geeks want to drink at

“Remove the old hard drive and place it on an anti static map” – You know…in case it gets lost


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Highlights

Snippets of things people I work with said today include:

“I have no idea who Julian Assange is”

“There are a lot of paedos out there; any man could be one”

“She’s a right slag but I’d stick it in her”

“Them *insert possibly racially offensive word for people of Pakistani decent here* are like that though aint they?”

Yet another week draws to a close where I think “HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP WORKING HERE?”

It’s like stepping into an episode of On The Buses meets Curry and Chips and In Sickness and In Health with Robin Askwith, Sid James and Chubby Brown at their leery best.

AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT TEACH YOUR CHILDREN*

*Disclaimer – These people might not actually teach your children if you do not live in Warwickshire