I want to be….A BBC Breakfast Expert

p01vlgx0I love BBC Breakfast. Much more now that the awful strumpet Suzanna Reid has moved on to channels I never watch.

 

Bill Turnbull is like some calming midweek Uncle, regaling the viewers with tales of bad news from around the UK and the rest of the world. Steph McGovern is like a big sister with a sensible job and all the knowledge and advice about what you can do with your pocket money. Carol Kirkwood is like an intoxicated teetotal Auntie that forces you into your raincoat when it’s baking hot sun outside only for the skies to open later on and drown those foolhardy enough to go without.

 

However, what is increasingly annoying about BBC Breakfast is the use of “Experts”. Now I’ve applied for a job at the BBC as an expert before. Of course, nothing came of it so I can only assume that my application was lost in the post.

 

180px-Human-nose
I knows about nose you knows

I think I am much better qualified, experienced and knowledgeable than 98% of the “experts” on the BBC. I know about all manner of topics: Children, fruit, cake, fatty foods, computers, robots, worms, nose picking, pigeons, awful people, legs, BBC Breakfast experts, Children, bacon, little bags of toffee, dirty spoons, children, violence, games, snakes, light bulbs, social media, children, eggs, toy badgers….the list is endless.

 

Please BBC. Please have me on your show. I can talk about anything you like. I sound just as convincing and as knowledgeable as your usual selection of gobshites. Or maybe you don’t want any more gobshites? Instead, why not employ me to do the job of Charlie Stayt, Naga Muncheti or the other nameless and soulless presenters? I have much more personality.

 

Or how about if I did your research for you on slow news days? I too can research stories without any sound backing like DONKEYS GIVE YOU CANCER or ALLOWING CHILDREN TO BREATHE EVENTUALLY CAUSES DEATH or BBC BREAKFAST EXPERTS TALK 100% SHITE?

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Letter to the BBC

Dear BBC,

I notice that you are increasing the regularity of the appearance of people who seem to be experts on everything and have opinions on everything which, for some reason, you think reflects society at large.

I would like to offer my services as a gobshite. I too have strong opinions on everything from David Cameron’s underwear to the cost of prawns in the Middle East during the Byzantium Empire. I am an expert on everything and nothing. I have several years experience of spouting utter crap to backup people’s clandestine agendas and I am happy to cast aspersions and morals to the wind without forethought for the wider consequences.

Hope this will cover everything. 

Lots of Love

Gnomepants

Happy New Year

Happy new year.

2013 eh? Already bad luck for Comet, HMV and Jessops. Also Pearson in Practice where I work have decided to call it a day meaning I’ll be out of work in 90 days time. So bad luck for me too eh?

Anyway. In an effort to write away the blues, over on my Livejournal [http://stegzy.livejournal.com]  you can find a project where I am intending to listen to every album in my vast mp3 library alphabetically and writing a little bit about the experience.

Over the next few days I will be copying those entries over here. For your entertainment.

Reaching out for work

Skills

Excellent at taking the blame for stuff with having over 30 years of experience in being blamed for all manner of misfortunes from the loss of data from floppy disks to the breakdown of marriage.

Have a good golf swing. Never played golf on a proper course but have been shown the correct stance by a colleague.

Can deflect embarrassing answers with the skill and dexterity of a politician while not actually telling a mistruth or being misleading.

Have experience swanning about looking important having been a prefect at school and many years of work experience in the area of walking up and down corridors with a large bunch of keys.

From good family stock. Father has a double barrelled name and I am a member of the Masons. Yes I am!

Skilled at appearing to be busy while actually not having much to do other than attend meetings at gentlemen’s clubs for lunch.

Looking for

Any chief executive job or position within a company requiring a fall guy for any failings which, of course will naturally turn out to be entirely my own fault. Examples: Oil rig leak, employees mucking about with accounts, leaks of embarrassing financial or political misconduct. 

The position will offer excellent remuneration (but I’m willing to take a fraction of what all the other fall guys get paid) and a tasty pension and share options on successful completion of role.

 

If you are an employer looking for someone like this, please get in touch. I could save your company a great deal of money by undercutting your current fall guys by at least 75%.

Job hunting

The plan today was to look around the city of Liverpool and pop into a few recruitment agencies. I’m never sure whether this is the right thing to do as most of the time recruitment agencies just say “Email  us your CV” which to me means “Fuck off and don’t bother us with your worklessness”. Smaller scale recruitment organisations tend to be a bit more accommodating in that they’ll sit you down, get you to fill in forms, pass the time of day and get you to do a typing test before telling you that they’ll be in touch as soon as something comes in. Which again is code for Fuck off and don’t bother us with your worklessness”.

At least that’s the impression I get from recruitment agencies. Another impression I get is how that even though if you  have a million years of administrative experience but follow it by 3 years of potato farming, they end up saying “Not enough relevant experience”.  Those last three years are crucial. It’s as if all the stuff you’ve done in the past matter not and that some how your ability to function wanes depending on how long since you last did that thing. If that makes sense.

Conversely, to me at least, it appears that this rule does not apply to call centre work. You could have been a world class surgeon for the past 30 years and maybe earned a bit of pocket money for a couple of months working in a call centre back in the early nineties. However if you put that stint on your CV you are marked for life. All recruitment agencies will offer you is chuffing call centre work.

Anyway, the laws of probability mean that not registering with recruitment agencies is probably a bad idea. After all, the more walls you throw something at, the more likely something will stick.  However, some recruitment agencies will tell you to only register with one to prevent your details being circulated multiple times.

But the impression I get is that recruitment agencies tend to be ultra selective. That could just be my paranoia or it could just be true. I don’t know.

So there I was, trudging round the centre of Liverpool, rain dripping off my face, clothes sodden and hair drenched. But something has happened to Liverpool over the past 5 years. Weird stuff. Stuff like…new shops….retail palaces….bars….boutiques….where once there were offices now stand posh restaurants and stuff….

After failing to locate 5 of the 6 agencies I’d set out to find….I came home. More despondent than when I set out. Guess the old ways of walking in will no longer work if you can’t find the agencies in the first place.

is to

It seems that careers and job prospects are the theme for May. Not just in my book but in other peoples. Once again I approach the edge of employability and I must decide my method of decent. Do I dive in head first hoping not to hit my head on a submerged rock? Or do I lower myself down gradually on a weak rope? These are the questions I ask myself. And yet I look around me and see others in similar situations. Other people that walk with me on my life path. I ponder the vast oceans of unspent and unchartered talent; the underuse and misguidance many of us face and recieve; the yawning gaps of apathy, diffidence and dispair we must bridge before we can move on; the familiarity we must leave behind if we are to change lanes and overtake lest we be stuck in a perpetual traffic jam.

Several options lie ahead for me.

  • – Keep following this path and see where it takes me.
  • – Double back
  • – Return to the slow lane and hope for someone to let me back into the middle lane
  • – Pull into the services and take a break
  • – Forge onward in the hope that the road conditions gets better and the traffic lulls.

It’s like a trip to a part of the seaside you’ve never been to before. The only images of which you have seen are postcards sent from those who have reached there before you. Will it be as idyllic , peaceful and serene as the pictures would have it? Or will it be garrish, overcrowded and awful akin to Blackpool or Skegness? The only way we can ever find out is to wait until we get there. When we reach our destination do we keep on driving? Or do we stay in a shitty B&B with flys in the lampshade and a peculiar smell coming from behind the wardrobe? Do we hope to find a more tranquil location? Or do we put up with the hordes of day trippers and kiss-me-quick hat wearing retirees in the hope that one day they will move on?

On my path, I intend to find that sleepy little seaside village. The one with the pub and the post office with a little giftshop. The one where few people go except perhaps to pick up a bottle of milk on their way to the caravan park. The one that only the locals and a few hard core surfers know about with the beautiful rolling sandy shoreline and occasional fishing boat. That way, when I get there, I can send you all postcards. Left turn ahead? Or do I turn right?