When ever I see the acronym FAQ I think about the frequently asked questions I get. I notice that there are some websites that have FAQs too but never seem to have the answer to the FAQs I get asked. So, in all fairness, let me make this page into an FAQ page.

Stegzy Gnomepants? Is that your real name?

Yes. Deal with it.

What are you?

I am a badger. But then I’m not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

Is this seat taken?

Yes. Sorry.

Do you know where the books on cabbage production are?

No. Try the library catalogue

Can I have a chip?

No. Buy your own

Is this where the bus to Barnsley stops?

No that’s across the road

Are you interested in double glazing/insurance/debt relief ?

Yes but not from you

Can you pass the salt?

Yes I can pass the salt would you like me to?

Would you make a cup of tea ?

I would if I had a kettle of boiling water, a mug, a tea bag and the inclination

Do you have to be so rude to people?

Do people have to be so fucking stupid?

Would you like some carrier bags?

Yes please.

Do you have a club card?

I do but I no longer want to use it thanks

Would you like a hand with your packing?

No. I’d like you to stop swiping bar codes as if it was an Olympic event though.

Are you sure you want to post?

Yes quite sure

Are you sure you want to log off?

Quite sure about that too

Do you think people get asked different but similar questions frequently?

I hope so or this post will go straight over their heads.