Making the world a better place – Part one

Love you Jim xx
Bloody hippy!

Bloody hippies. Sitting there in their kaftans with their long hair and beards, weaving yogurts and floating vaginas. Why can’t they be pissed off and angry like everyone else.

Yes. Why not? I mean its such a lovely world isn’t it. People hating each other, blaming each other, being nasty to each other and complaining about anything to anybody who will listen and then complaining further when people don’t listen.

We have just had elections. Elections where every person who is angry with the current state of affairs in Europe and the UK took out their frustrations on the government by either not voting or by voting for far right loons. Great job! I’m sure we’ll laugh about it when jackbooted fucktards come a knocking to evict us from our homes for none compliance.

 

empty vessels
Some noisy things

Of course there is a saying. Empty vessels make the most noise. Indeed,  this saying when applied to the current political landscape seems to ring true. Furthermore, this saying applies across all aspects of society. Just look at any newspaper (or news website) and you’ll read about how bad things are. How people in power are horrid. How people who do things do things selfishly or for the rubbing of their own ego, gain and gratification.

But what’s the one thing you don’t read about?

Nice people.

People doing good things.

Years ago, and I think I’ve already written about this before, people with lots and lots of money would look about and say:

“Fuck me, I have so much money from building railways/transporting slaves/eating jam <delete as applicable> I don’t know what to do with it!”

Then, armed with wads of cash they would do good things like building churches, hospitals, libraries, club houses or starting mutual societies and cooperatives. Benevolence. Generosity. All for eternal recognition.

 

This was actually built in memory of some bloke who died during a fox hunt.
A monument

In the UK at least, one only has to take a trip into their nearest town and find monuments to people who have donated or sacrificed something for the benefit of others. Did people moan about that then I wonder? Did the newspapers of the time bemoan the fact that some great benefactor donated land for use as a municipal park? Did people tut and mutter about it? Surely that land would be better used as a factory? Maybe? Who knows? I can’t be arsed to do the research but I imagine it wasn’t like that.

These days, being nasty gets you fame. Being awful and frightful gets you instant celebrity status, or so it seems. To me it seems that being awful and frightful is de rigueur . Think about it, companies don’t have compliments departments do they? Why is this? It is because there is more benefit in providing a shit service and employing people who spend all their day depleting their self-worth levels by listening to people blame them personally for the lack of service or whatever. I know, I used to be one of those employees.

So how can we turn the world into a better place? How can I get people to be nicer to each other? How can I get recognition for good deeds done to humanity?

 

You’ll just have to come back later and read all about it.

From the Archives:- Saying Goodbye

Goodbye, I’m told, is the hardest word to say. Certainly, in recent times at least, I’ve had difficulty saying goodbye. Not because of some hideous speech impediment or because I’ve had a mouth full of pizza, but because emotionally it has proven difficult. That said, I’ve also said goodbye with as much ease as taking my socks off.

bye

 

Every morning, with the last slurp of tea still fresh on my lips, I bid the girlfriend farewell with a peck and a dash for the door. Sometimes it’s a “See you later”, others a “bye” or a “ta-rah”. Maybe I will see her later, maybe I won’t. I might fall down a forgotten mine shaft (Now what ever happened to that mine shaft I used to have?) and never be seen again or maybe it’ll be her. I can never be sure so I suppose, out of habit, manners and education, I bid adieu in case I’m never seen again. A kind of closing statement. A full stop (or period if you’re over the other side of the planet (Do you know? When Merricans say period I immediately think of women menstruating….yeah it isn’t nice).

An end.

Other people don’t tend to be so lucky, the bus driver, the shop keeper, that weird bloke with the funny smell that lives down the street, they all tend to get smiles and grunts. Maybe peppered with a “ta” or a “nice one”. Is this because I feel these guys don’t deserve a farewell? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve been on the receiving end of a broad spectrum of endings. Especially through the variety of jobs I’ve done.

 

 

In the helpdesk for example from:-

goodbye

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on other end of phone – Thank you. Bye.
stegzy – Bye

to

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on the other end of the phone**Click** brrrrrrrrrrrr

stegzy – Twat.

or

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on the other end of the phone – well that’s bally well not good enough!
stegzy**Click** brrrrrrrrrrrr

I suppose it would be not only discomforting but unusual if, when saying goodbye, everybody took the same amount of time as is taken in the last hour of Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I mean can you imagine?

stegzy – Goodbye
Bus Driver – **hugging stegzy** Goodbye old chum, what happy adventures we have had
stegzy – But we only went 5 stops
Bus Driver – Indeed, but what an adventure. I’ll miss you
stegzy – I’m only going to the off licence to get some cigarettes I’ll be getting this bus home.
Passenger A – **hugging Bus Driver and stegzy** Ha! What a wag. Goodbye old friend. May you meet fortune face on
stegzy – Jeez you’re a bunch of weirdos
Passenger C – Ha! Farewell fellow travellers!
Passenger D – Get a bloody move on, I’ve got to be places!

Be seeing you!

 

Sometimes it needs to be quick, more like

stegzy – See ya **gone**
Person A – See y…oh you’ve gone.

 

 

Personally, when I’m going somewhere I’d rather it be a small goodbye than some re-enactment of the Waltons. I mean, I’m going, I need to be somewhere, hurry up! Let me go! Mrs Gnomepants, on the other hand will spend ages saying goodbye, sometimes saying goodbye, only to start another 1 hour conversation and then have to say goodbye once again. It’s not unusual, as Tom Jones said, for Mrs Gnomepants to take 5 minutes saying goodbye on a telephone conversation to her sister. Surely all that is needed is “Bye” followed by a reciprocated acknowledgement of the end of the conversation.

 

Goodbyes though eh?….we’re a peculiar bunch aren’t we?


This entry first appeared on Livejournal in September 2008 and has been edited to reflect changes in circumstance

Chav School

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Every year, in Britain, thousands of young people struggle to find things to do.

chav

The more fortunate can often be found wandering the streets aimlessly like mindless zombies looking for a tiny piece of recognition or attention from anyone who cares to give it whereas the less fortunate, hanging around off licences threatening adults into purchasing them alcohol, wearing ill fitting clothes and occasionally sat on mopeds paid for by their unloving, uncaring, sofa bound TV addicted parents .

chavs However there are those teenagers who are not so fortunate. Those that stay at home, watch TV, do homework, use the internet, read books or meet up with friends at the local park for a chat and maybe some harmless play. It is these youths that really need your help.

We at CHAV School offer numerous educational, nutritional and rehabilitational services to empower these poor unfortunate bedroom, park and library bound youths to become less functional and less valuable members of the community. With your donation of just £1 (less than the price of a quality Saturday board sheet newspaper) we can help to provide the following:

Car Wreck/vandalism

Education

Our ill equipped and badly supervised classrooms encourage the youth to become less focussed on their work and more focussed on craving attention. We educate and train these youngsters on our highly acclaimed courses such as:

  • Damaging Cars
  • Litter Dropping for Beginners;
  • Ch@ 5p33k Is kn0t 4 1am0rzzz wtf omg lollzzorzz;
  • Successful and Offensive Graffito;
  • Shoplifting;
  • How to Swear at Passers-by;
  • The Child Act & You – How Adults Are Unable to Do a Thing to Stop You Doing Things;

and our increasingly popular course

  • Knifing People and How to Get Away With It.

Street Skills

– We train youths in valuable Street Skills including:

  • The art of loitering at bus stops in a threatening manner;
  • The correct way of vandalising a phone boxes;
  • How to appear cool by doing things that would normally be seen as ridiculous;
  • Dropping takeaway meals so as to cause an obstruction.

As the youth progress through our courses they may even move on to advanced topics such as:

  • Urinating and Defecating without Shame,
  • 1001 Things to Do When Intoxicated

and

  • Giving Cheek to Teachers, Elders and Police Officers. 101

We also encourage our children to display their handy work in local bus shelters and telephone boxes.

Nutrition

stockphotopro_69355543VNP_no_title  Science has proven that balanced diets of fruit, nuts and vegetables, clean water, protein and carbohydrates are detrimental to a child’s development.

It is well known that growing teens require a steady intake of hydrogenated fat, sugar and alcohol.

Your CHAV School donation allows us to provide sustenance to our rescued children in the form of Kebab meat, pizza, fizzy pop and sweets.

Our highly skilled nutritionists help advise the youth on how to adapt their diet, for example Diamond White instead of apple juice, chips in curry sauce instead of banana sandwich on whole-wheat granary bread. We also encourage children under our care to consume vital behaviour adapting additives, flavourings and colourings. This then encourages successful social and physical development.

 

Rehabilitation

6a00d8341c793d53ef00e5503cae5a8834-640wi Many of the children that come to us are, unfortunately, well dressed, courteous and polite. Brainwashed by uncaring, antisocial parents who concentrate selfishly on their own status amongst their peers.

We at CHAV School provide correct and suitable garments for teenagers copied from leading designs and supplied to us by a bloke off the market who can do us a good deal on Burberry.

Our highly skilled youth workers encourage the teens to express themselves in mumbles and grunts rather than clear, enunciated vocabulary. At times this can be traumatic but we believe this is for the child’s own good.

 

Preparation for Life after 18

We educate our chavs and chavettes into becoming valueless members of society, without whom society would not be able to provide such social services as Policing.

We even help them customise their cars with flared exhausts and subwoofers. We help them find a suitable mating partner (if they haven’t done so already) so that they can propagate this important way of life.

Family and Community Work

594073694_b78341cd63 We don’t just do stuff for kids. We work closely with affected families and help provide parents with widescreen plasma TVs, educate them into being thoughtful adults that care that they don’t know where they children are and what they are doing.

We also provide courses for parents such as:-

  • Apathy: How Not To Give A Shit;
  • Your Kids are As Good As Gold Anyone That Disagrees is obviously a Paedophile;
  • Shouting Matches for Beginners;
  • Swearing at Children the Healthy Way;

and our most popular

  • Making Eastenders More Important than your Child.

We also work with communities in the following ways: by encouraging the construction and development of derelict buildings for arson attacks; removal of litter bins; Provision of bus shelters and telephone boxes for social gatherings and art displays and by reducing harmful facilities such as youth clubs, organisations and the like.

But without your donation we cannot do this most important work. We know you care and we know our schemes are valuable to society as a whole. So make your donation today. Because Britain needs more chavs.


This post originally appeared on Livejournal