Letter to the BBC

Dear BBC,

I notice that you are increasing the regularity of the appearance of people who seem to be experts on everything and have opinions on everything which, for some reason, you think reflects society at large.

I would like to offer my services as a gobshite. I too have strong opinions on everything from David Cameron’s underwear to the cost of prawns in the Middle East during the Byzantium Empire. I am an expert on everything and nothing. I have several years experience of spouting utter crap to backup people’s clandestine agendas and I am happy to cast aspersions and morals to the wind without forethought for the wider consequences.

Hope this will cover everything. 

Lots of Love



People (the wife and her sisters) ask me “What are you doing for your birthday this year?”

I’m a bit low on my birthday, and for that matter other people’s, this year. I think I’ve finally reached that stage in my life where I couldn’t give a flying toss what I do on my birthday. This year it falls on a Sunday. Sunday as we know is shit. Nothing happens on a Sunday and everywhere closes early, in the UK at least. Being miles from anywhere doesn’t help either nor does having your nearest chums several bus changes away (and Yorkshire Traction Bus Company are shitter than a pile of shit with shit on top under a large pile of shit decorated by poo pellet hundreds & thousands)

So this year I think I’m gonna sit and sulk watch telly or something and ignore the fact that I’m one year older than I am now. Besides, with it being Christmas next sunday people will only say “Oh I’d have got you two presents but I splashed out on a bigger christmas present” or “You can have a birthday or a christmas present”….It’s so fucking annoying! Perhaps everyone gets to this stage in their life eventually.

Then there is Christmas. Less than 2 weeks to go and I’m still not in the festive spirit. I really cannot be bothered with any of it this year. Sure it will be nice to see people and family and stuff but all the fucking annoying Christmas songs (this month I must have heard Jona Lewis’ Stop the Cavalry 50 times already), the disgustingly illuminated houses that I drive past every night (There seems to be a new craze for blue lights this year) , the greedy shops (over inflated prices and essential and healthy things replaced by crap and tinsel) and the demanding and ungrateful brats (if Charlotte doesn’t say thankyou this year she’ll get a sodding lump of coal) just make me want to convert to Islam or something. I’m sick of turkey (I’ve been trying to get my mum to get a goose for over 15 years now) I’m pissed off with seeing miserable faces of people who are pissed off with Christmas but for inane reasons and I’m really really annoyed with all the imagery and how everyone with money or influence is trying to hijack the season for their own selfish gains.