I say chaps!

So there you are, you American types reading this in the comfort of your log built cattle ranch wearing your Stetson hat and worrying away at your Colt45 while I’m sat here in cold and rainy England (where the rain never stops (no..seriously it never stops. Endless perpetual precipitation 24/7/12/365. Ask anyone that lives here) with my bowler hat (with sleeves) and umbrella from my office over looking Parliament square1 and I think to myself in my Queens English accent “Good grief! You chaps over there must be jolly well fed up with those confounded indians firing arrows at your house day after day.”.

And then my thoughts turn to stephmog idling away her days in the rural splendour of remotest Wales with her nearest neighbour, a sheep called Milly, while coal miners go about their business singing “Men of Harlech” and talking about Aled Jones and rugby (The game. Not the place. It’s kind of like American Football only without the girly safety equipment.Rugby, the place, is an entirely different matter). I then think of the lovely storm1jet2 with all those delightful miniture clay pipe smoking men in green hats. I think of the likes of zelest and think4yrself rushing about to get to their IKEA saunas (though not together but possibly) before the ice on the icehole freezes back over and I think ofbillzy in his shell suit and crazy permed hairdo and I think “How many more damn stereotypes can I squeeze into one post?”

Of course the answer is probably as infinite as the stars. But what I really think is how do people see the UK. More specifically how do international people see our regional differences?


1 – In Britain it is compulsory to have offices that overlook the Houses of Parliament. Ask anyone here if you don’t believe me!

Buses

Buses in Liverpool have had a No Smoking policy for sometime, although I think that rule only applies to the passengers and not the engines of old dilapidated buses that some of the bus companies run. However, that doesnt stop the majority of under 21’s sitting on the back seat chuffing away hiding their burning butts in their cupped hands.

Today was no exception.

If I do have to get the bus I try to sit as near to the front as possible, normally because the intimidating types tend to congregate at the back; gob, urinate, leave curries or deface the seats and also because Liverpool bus drivers think they’re a cross between Benny Goodman and Ayrton Sennacot, speed past your stop and unless you have lightning reflexes and the balance of an acrobat you end up at the Pier Head when you want to get off at Brownlow Hell. Unfortunatley, all the seats at the front where empty so reluctantly I had to join the rough types at the back. School kids mainly, you know the sort, the ones that just loafed about at school, no ambition to succeed, as far as they’re concerned “why bother?”. Sure enough they were smoking ciggies and being generally obnoxious.

Their conversation brought a grin to my face (although I internalized the grin for fear of getting my head kicked in so it probably looked like I had wind or toothache).

Scally 1: yeah an’ like i was ded chonged like lahhh *
Scally 2: waz ya? I was chongin’ from like 7 till 4:15 last night
Scally 1: yeah well I once chonged from like 4 till 4:30

Obviously a bollocks “one-up-manship” competition was going on. This amuzing competition continued with

Scally 2: I had 21 packets of cigs the other day…smoked the lot of them
Scally 1: yeah well I once smoked 10 packs before 12 then when we went out we had another 17 packs….it was great

It was a wonder they were still alive!!

Anyway, further adventures on the bus involved :-

  • a woman with the same model phone as me
  • a child wiping its nose on the seat, Mum didnt give a shit
  • emotionless people crammed like sardines
  • drivers still using mobile phones when driving
  • a woman driving her kids to school in her dressing gown and nightie
  • a woman bottle feeding her child while driving at 30 mph (towards traffic lights)

Its a wonder any of us are still alive!

*Translation Corner*

Chonged – Stoned, normally through use of pot/ganja
Chongin – smoking pot/ganja
lahhh abrv. Lad , similar to mate, buddy, pal, chum

I hate buses.