They’re all out to get me

Sometimes I can’t help feeling singled out.

Of course I know it’s nonsense but I like to think that the reason some things happen is because of a greater conspiracy. One involving the “Powers that be” be that the illuminati, the Government, MI5, Tescos, the man in the post office that looked like Elvis or whom-so-ever is in favour this week and Me. Of course, if you know me well you’ll know I really dont believe half the shit I spout but I gain great pleasure from trying to convince people that the fruits of my overactive imagination are real. Again those that know me well join in and make even more outlandish suggestions. Those that don’t look at me bewildered, confused and even concerned for my mental well being. But I assure you as I said, most of the conspiracy stuff is utter bollocks and I know it.

Anyway, today I mentioned in a comment on one of poggs‘ posts about buses how whenever I’m waiting for a bus none will show yet when Im not you cant move for the buggers. Which made me think. I’ve never really written about this side to me. Ok some people love it. Of course others hate it (probably because they think I really do believe the shite I spout) some even become hostile, which I find sad.

So. After that windfilled explanation on with the show….Here for your delight and mind to chew over, are how they are trying to undermine me….why? I haven’t a clue….possibly because Im the real heir to the throne….

Comes in threes

1. When I’m waiting for a bus or train :-

  • a) millions of buses or trains that I can’t get will sail past empty yet mine will always be chockablock and infrequent.
  • b) The bus or train I want will only come every 3 years even though
  • c) The line of buses I cant get will go so far down the road from the bus stop that the bus I want cant see me and will go sailing past on its merry way.
  • d) Some old myopic biddy (who is of course a secret agent for the sinister organisation) will flag my bus down and then wave it on because she doesn’t want it (without ANY consideration for others that may be waiting for it)

2. I’ll find some food/hair product I really like. Then mysteriously (like almost over night) it will disappear from the shop shelves. An example of this is Heinz Pepperoni Pizza. Yumtastic. Now you cant find them for love nor money.

3. I’ll find a restaurant that does really good quality food with really excellent service. When I take others to impress them the service is shite, the food substandard or its closed or changed management.

4. When in a rush I’ll always end up behind Mr “Slow and considerate” and in front of Mr “Im in a rush get a move on you twat”

5. Some fucker will go into my bag and discharge the battery on my MP3 Player the day I need to listen to it. The same fucker will do the same to my mobile phone when I’ve not got my charger.

6. Whenever I’m waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the “sinister” organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.

Phone box Post box
People phone me

7. If I get excited over a particular TV listing, like so excited I cant wait and am bubbling with anticipation like a bottle of Grand Prix Mumm

  • Some fucker will call on the phone when its on
  • Some fucker will call round when its on
  • Some famous fucker will die and it will be rescheduled (or delayed thus fucking up any video settings)
  • Some fucker will do something tasteless and the program/film will be indefinitely postponed on the grounds of taste

8. If I get into a TV serial:-

  • Be assured that someone will distract me and drag me away during a crucial moment
  • I will forget (due to the mind rays that they beam at me) and miss key episodes
  • It will be rescheduled to a time
    • – when I cant be bothered to stay up
    • – thats abhorrent to God
    • – when I’m at work
    • – when I’m otherwise occupied

9. When I really fancy a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes or something milk involved, sinister agents raid my fridge or turn any milk in it sour.

10. The expensive electrical gadget I covet for months turns out to be a turkey when I finally get the thing. Either that or I’ll buy it and a week later it’ll be like 50p for 3.

There are more….but they’ve turned the brain rays onto me again and I can’t remember what they are….

This post originally appeared in May 2005 on Livejournal. It has been reposted here for new audiences. When they arrive. One day….perhaps….

Deep philosophical discussion

The Soul. Where is it? Up your arse? In your head? In your heart? What is the soul? A piece of undigested cheese? An energy? A group of sentient germs? Barry Whites undies?? Can you describe consciousness as the soul? I don’t know for sure. Maybe Nick might know….maybe he wont.

Ok. So angelhands and I were having this discussion the other night about the soul (well kind of but let me embellish please). Now she said that she sees the soul as energy and I had a think about this and thought about how I saw the soul.

Now I thought “ooh now where is my soul?” and my brain had a think about this and I saw it as sitting in my head sort of like my consciousness. When I’m thinking about death and being in the afterlife I imagine myself not physically but sort of mentally, as like in a dream. Ok so traditionally speaking you could say I see all thought, spirit and soul as consciousness. You dig? Good, bear with me on this.

Now when I die and my brain stops functioning where does that spark of consciousness go? What is my consciousness? So to answer this I thought about AI.
Let’s say I create AI on my PC here. Now after its started World War III or tried to lock me out of the airlock it will sit there and exist, conscience of its existence and plotting its next move (creation of killer bee worms probably). But what part of the computer would be the consciousness? Where would it reside??

Lets look at the innards of a PC. A PC has a hard drive, a processor, a motherboard, RAM and other gubbins.

Its ears and mouth you could say is the sound card.
Its eye…the web cam say…
Its brain? well some would say the processor. Some would say the hard drive, some would say the memory. Nah….

The processor is where the intelligence is processed. The RAM where functions are stored until the processor has completed the maths before saving to the hard drive (long term memory). The Hard Drive? Well I’d say that’s where it stores everything. With me so far?


Well. Then you think “Well maybe the operating system is where the consciousness exists!” some may think “Nah Its in the CMOS” well the CMOS I’d say is the base functions (eg how to work the RAM, the processor, hard drive) reside. The operating system? Well that tells it how to operate the programs. The consciousness would have to be a separate program. A program telling the processor etc. that it was conscious or aware of its existence. So transfer that to the human brain and consciousness is your programming.

Each time we interact with someone we pass on part of our programming. How we think, what we think of this, what we think of that, our ideas, our acknowledgement that we exist. We pass it on via communication. Now this is where we get slightly religious. When old Jesus said he was going to live forever…perhaps what he meant was he would live immortally in the minds of men (and women) . As long as Jesus is remembered, he has existed. Likewise other people have realised this and used their knowledge to remain about forever.

Basically, as long as someone somewhere remembers you, you will live. Your existence will be acknowledged. You guys know I exist. You’ve not met me, but you know I exist because your brain processes the information and your “operating system” translates the thought processes to tell you that I exist.

I dont exist.

Now you have an error message. “MSHumanV.19xx syntax error 99.2 Cannot compute. Please refer to manual” or something.

I do exist really. You know I exist. You can find me, track me down , telephone me, poke me with a stick and I will respond. My existence makes me respond. My conscious tells me that you are in existence and that you wish to share data. Maybe….I don’t know.

So we pass on our acknowledgement of existence, we pass on our knowledge, we pass on our interactions and thoughts and process them all to make a reality for ourselves.
What’s to say you or I are but brains in a jar with electrodes and stuff attached to it in the future? Or like Neo in The Matrix, in a pod of pink gloop? Or all characters in Maxis Simlife 2203?


Our souls are but part of our “AI program”, what we pass on to others, the memory of us or our knowledge passed on. As long as we exist in memory we still live. The greater your sacrifice or teachings to others the longer your memory lives on. Through inspiration we continue our existence. Therefore your soul, the everlasting part of it, will continue until all proof of your existence fades or is lost.

I’m probably wrong. Just an idea….I think i’ve wandered off my point but hey! I’ll no doubt pick up on it again at some point…..

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