Every year Britons the world over celebrate a special day today. “We Don’t Want The Damn Country Anyway” Day. It all started in this day 1776 when a group of colonials threw their rattle out of the cot and decided they no longer wanted to be part of the Glorious and Holy British Empire. It was a culmination of tantrums including throwing cargos of tea into the sea, knocking on doors and running away & getting pizza delivered at 3am in the morning to addresses of people that didn’t want pizza.
King George, in all his mighty, majestic and holy wisdom, decided enough was enough and conceded that the Great and Glorious Holy British Empire did not need mudlarks and such juvenile behaviour within its realm. British ecologists, environmentalists and economists agreed that losing these colonies would not be detrimental to the Empire and if we bided our time and played it cool we could reclaim what was lost at some future date. Also a great deal of the land had a problem with heathen cannibalistic natives, really hot deserts, nasty looking bears and a family which the King did not get on with, the Bushes (King George was upset by Albert Wilberforce Bush using his favourite wash basin as a urinal at a party that George had held in Hampton Court). Thus it was agreed that to prevent spiralling cost and unnecessary disruption of cricket the colonies would be handed over to the people living there.
And so it came to pass that the Great and Glorious British Empire continued through history growing more and more powerful. Similar tactics were employed when other colonies threatened to do the same. We would appear to give the country and land to the people who claimed they wanted “independence” from the Great and Glorious British Empire and really the reason why we relinquished control was because we didn’t want the country anyway. It smelt funny or it was too hot or there weren’t enough red telephone boxes.
This is all but sleight of hand. Really these colonies have remained under British rule for centuries and all are still part of the Great and Glorious British Empire, just that they don’t know it. But there will come a day when our Great and Glorious King William shall rise to the throne in majestic accord and glorious fanfare and the sinister truth will out. The sleeping armies shall awaken and the Third Glorious and Righteous Holy British Empire will rise out of the faux ashes like a mountain in the ocean and once more people the world over will be able to enjoy cricket, drinking cups of tea, moaning about the weather and queuing in an orderly fashion.
This post first appeared on Livejournal in 2007