Happy We Don’t Want the Damn Country Anyway Day

Every year Britons the world over celebrate a special day today. “We Don’t Want The Damn Country Anyway” Day. It all started in this day 1776 when a group of colonials threw their rattle out of the cot and decided they no longer wanted to be part of the Glorious and Holy British Empire. It was a culmination of tantrums including throwing cargos of tea into the sea, knocking on doors and running away & getting pizza delivered at 3am in the morning to addresses of people that didn’t want pizza.

King George, in all his mighty, majestic and holy wisdom, decided enough was enough and conceded that the Great and Glorious Holy British Empire did not need mudlarks and such juvenile behaviour within its realm. British ecologists, environmentalists and economists agreed that losing these colonies would not be detrimental to the Empire and if we bided our time and played it cool we could reclaim what was lost at some future date. Also a great deal of the land had a problem with heathen cannibalistic natives, really hot deserts, nasty looking bears and a family which the King did not get on with, the Bushes (King George was upset by Albert Wilberforce Bush using his favourite wash basin as a urinal at a party that George had held in Hampton Court). Thus it was agreed that to prevent spiralling cost and unnecessary disruption of cricket the colonies would be handed over to the people living there.

And so it came to pass that the Great and Glorious British Empire continued through history growing more and more powerful. Similar tactics were employed when other colonies threatened to do the same. We would appear to give the country and land to the people who claimed they wanted “independence” from the Great and Glorious British Empire and really the reason why we relinquished control was because we didn’t want the country anyway. It smelt funny or it was too hot or there weren’t enough red telephone boxes.

This is all but sleight of hand. Really these colonies have remained under British rule for centuries and all are still part of the Great and Glorious British Empire, just that they don’t know it. But there will come a day when our Great and Glorious King William shall rise to the throne in majestic accord and glorious fanfare and the sinister truth will out. The sleeping armies shall awaken and the Third Glorious and Righteous Holy British Empire will rise out of the faux ashes like a mountain in the ocean and once more people the world over will be able to enjoy cricket, drinking cups of tea, moaning about the weather and queuing in an orderly fashion.

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This post first appeared on Livejournal in 2007

Hot off the press

Call to restrict Scouse scenes

An anti-scouse group in Manchester is calling for all movies and television shows with scousers in scenes to be given an 18 certificate or banned.
ScouseFree Liverpool told BBC’s Radio 5 Live it wanted to see the change and the government said the idea was “rather well thought out”.

The push – backed by Manchester city council – comes amid research showing young people pick up bad habits from watching films containing Scousers.

One city official said Manchester may even act alone to restrict film access.

Colin Scarborough, the city’s head of public protection and chair of ScouseFree Liverpool, said an adult rating on movies that depict scousers will reduce the number of young people signing on.

“The international evidence…is that one in two children between 11 and 18 who witness scousers in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – signing on themselves,” Mr Scarborough said of recent research.

Liverpool already carries the unenviable title of Scouse capital of England, with some of the highest scouser rates in the UK.

Mr Scarborough said Manchester wants the British Board of Film Classification to act.

But a spokeswoman for the film board said scenes with Scousers in are already taken into consideration when a film is rated and a blanket 18 certificate for all scouse scenes is “a really good idea”.
“I know of one child that went on to steal wheel trims and car radios, another entered into a life of crime after watching an episode of Brookside” the spokeswoman said, adding an extensive public consultation has already examined the issue to come up with existing guidelines.

For example, if a character popular with children such as Harry Potter was somehow from Liverpool or seen talking to Scousers, the film would be rated accordingly, she said.

“We would take that very seriously,” she added.

Dr Stacey Anderson, of the UK Centre for Scouser Control Studies, said the evidence of Scouser’s influence on young people is very clear.

“The more scousers a child views in films and television, the more likely they are to take up signing on or shifty behaviour,” she said of the scientific evidence gathered in the United States and elsewhere.

Dr Anderson said characters do not even have to be scouse for there to be an adverse influence, just the sight of the Liver Buildings or St Johns Tower has an effect on youth attitude.

She said if part of the role of the film board is to protect young people from potential harm, then being scouse should be included in those considerations.

Mr Scarborough said if the BBFC is not prepared to adopt an 18 certificate then the city of Manchester will consider using licensing laws to bring in its own stricter ratings for films screened locally.

Junque

Dear Persons of A Merry car,

Thank you very much for offering to take the two items of trash we delivered to your door this morning. I’m sure the self-titled King and Queen of Beckham will be very happy in their new home. There is no need to return the favour nor is there any need for you to return them to us when you get bored of them like you did with Peter Wingarde.

Ta

Gnomepants.

PS While we’re at it would you like Madonna back too?

Post ItTM

The BBC Breakfast News® had thisTM interesting articleTM about KFCTM and Britains highest pub ® The Tan HillTM (I’ve been there©) who are locked in battle TM over the use ® of the English Language © (Note: Not the American LanguageTM, the ENGLISH LANGUAGE©) and the use of the phrase© “Family Feast”TM

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6630000/newsid_6636900/6636999.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm#
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/north_yorkshire/6644177.stm

What if someone ® copyrighted © every combination of words possible?TM © Would we have to stop using wordstm altogether?®.

Would someone be able to JUST DO IT? This copyright thing could be so misunderstood, even a Finger Lick. King Good might also be an infringement or applying for a visa. It’s everywhere you want to be and everywhere you don’t.Where kids want to be. Ask about it at work. Before you dress. Ask how. Ask now. Ask Sherwin Williams, because life is complicated enough without people slapping cease and desist notices all over the place with regard to copyright infringement. Of course the courts are making more possible. Nobody is safe. The few, the proud, the marines, all could be affected by copyright restrictions and trademark infringements. There’s no Life like it.What happens here stays here. We need to make all the right choices so we can be the first to know. We’re the one. Not them. This is what we do.

Stegzy GnomepantsTM
© Stegzy Gnomepants 2007
® Stegzy Gnomepants is an unregistered trade mark

Now With Added Corrections!