World Cup

On my journey southwards on Friday I witnessed several pranged cars, idiots undertaking, buffoons changing lanes late and several near misses. It got me wondering why, in an early Friday evening, people seemed to be in a rush to get places. It also struck me that most of the drivers, if not all of the drivers, were men.

Then I realised….

Football.

They were all in a rush to get home/to the pub/to their mates in time for kick off.

I cannot understand the urgency. I mean if it’s that bad…record it on your PVR or whatnot. It’s like people who queue all night for devices. People that queue for sports/music/signing events overnight. WTF?

“It’s all part of the experience” they say. Arse I say.

Neighbours

Sometimes going outside of Gnomepants Manor is like running the gauntlet. A simple task, like mowing the lawn, popping the milk bottles out for the milkman, taking refuse out or a crafty smoke in the lane with no name can be fraught with obstacles.

Tomb Raider

Weirdos

Do you have a weirdo magnet? Do you? Do you know what a weirdo magnet is? Have I just made that phrase up?

Case Study #1

You are sat on a bus. The bus is fairly empty. There are a few double seats free and a few people on the bus travelling with you. The bus stops. A passenger gets on. They could be unkempt, well dressed, dressed as Bozo the Clown or whatever. Of all the seats on the bus they sit next to you.

They then turn to you. Smile. Open their mouth to speak and say “They told me about the parsnips you know”

Your immeadiate reaction is “WTF!” but out of politeness you smile back and answer “Did they?”

You are now at the mercy of the weirdo.

Case Study #2

You are out having a quiet drink with some pals. Midway through the conversation someone comes near. Sits on a seat within earshot. Nothing is said.

Then midway through an indepth conversation about your friends trip to Atlantis the someone says….”I once went to Bognor Regis” unintelligably. You all smile politely and return to your conversation. Alas you are foiled. That smile was a fateful ticket to Interuptsville. “My wife had gout” they continue.

You are at the mercy of the weirdo. There shall be no escape.

Case Study #3

Walking innocently down the street (yeah you know walking….that thing you do with out wheels…radical I know but stay with me). You see someone walking toward you. Well….walking…maybe swaying….swaggering….teetering….how about stumbling? Or even striding….you look to see if you can cross the road. You can’t theres too much traffic. The someone is getting closer. They mightnt have seen you. You might be safe.

You arent.

They approach. They look at you.

“All the best and many more” they exclaim in a most threatening manner while waggling a nicoteen stained digit in your general direction

“I want my mum!” you proclaim

Alas. The weirdo has struck. You are at their mercy.

Men. Women. Even children. They come in all genders, ages, social status and ethnicities. Gurbling their weirdness at you. Trapping you with their over friendliness….Why do they home in on you?

I’ll tell you….

…come closer…..

and the truth shall set ye free