The Compostual Existentialist

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Virtual Tour of Virtually Liverpool

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Hello. I’m Stegzy Gnomepants and I will be your tour guide for today.


Welcome aboard this 1960’s MPTE Bus which we have commandeered for the purposes of this tour. Those wanting to go to Page Moss…tough….you’re on my tour now so like it or lump it…. I’d like to point out the no smoking signs that you can blatantly ignore if you are under 21 and sat on the top deck or back of the bus and I’d like draw your attention to the emergency exit but most of you used that to avoid paying the fare. We’ll begin our tour here


This is the Pier Head. A few nautical miles from the place where many thousands of slaves started their existence and the departure point of the world famous Ferry across the Mersey. Which was originally started by a bloke in a tin bath……


Straight ahead you can see the Liver Building.


This is where thousands of people every year go to have their freckles removed by giant industrial lasers. The freckles are then sold off as building material all around the world. One of the most famous freckle buildings is the Albert Dock just a few hundred yards from the Liver Buildings. The Liver Birds on the top of the building are the last remaining of their species carefully preserved in suspended animation using the ancient preserving technique of copper plating. These ferocious beasts once roamed the British countryside picking off small sheep and children, whisking them off to higher territories ripping out their livers with their beaks for later consumption (hence the name LIVER bird). The last Liver bird was encased in copper in 1843 though rumours have it that a family of the beasts are still at large and disguising themselves as lollipop men. Should you see a Liver Bird you should immediately inform a police man…..of course due to national security we must be accompanied by policemen at all times therefore we have on-board today our very own constable.

Constable George Dixon on secondment from the Dock Green constabulary



Evenin’ all

British Policemen are compulsary. If you are found without a policeman by a policeman then you will fall foul of the 1824 Policeman Act and David Blunket/Charles Clarkes recently introduced 2005 If you are unaccompanied by a policeman then you’re in trouble sonny Act. So bare that in mind at all times.

Now if you care to look out of the right hand window we can see the Albert Dock…


The Albert Dock was constructed, out of freckles, by the philatalist Dr Albert Dock who had a really bad case of freckles. It is where the slaves where unloaded along with all the sugar, tobacco and cotton from the New World. Sadly the New World no longer exists as it kind of aged so now you have to get your ciggies and stuff from Asda like everyone else. Nowadays the Albert Dock is mostly luxury accomodation and call centres. At one point in the 80’s it had shops selling expensive designer clothes but at that time the majority of Liverpool wore shell suits so they soon went out of business….so if you look out of the left hand window….we can see the Blue Peter ship


The Blue Peter ship was washed into Liverpool bay by a giant storm, its crew had long vanished (though are now thought to be living somewhere in the Everton Valley illegally) and the ship was haulled onto display at the Liverpool Garden Festival. It was then pinched by drunks returning from the pub and left outside Police Headquarters….Isnt that right George?



Yes thats right

And Up on the hill you can see the Anglican Cathedral.


The cathedral was won in a fight between two giants, whose names have since long been forgotten, the fight was originally about how many prawns make a good prawn cocktail but others will tell you that there was no such fight or giants and that the Cathedral was actually sculpted out of chocolate by Ken Dodd and Billy Butler. This is of course nonsense. The giants, both very good friends of mine, told me the story themselves. To the other side of the hill you can see the Catholic Cathedral,


and in the distance the Radio City Tower


Both are space craft which landed in 1971 from the planet Zarg during a failed assault on the city to capture its vast supply of sanitary towels.Fortunatley the aliens were quickly absorbed by the Matmos that lives under the city and protects it from people like Barbarella


Continuing on our tour…from the right window we can see the Taj Mahal.


The Taj has stood in Liverpool for over 2000 years. Noone really knows how it got here but a replica was built in India just incase someone there might be missing it. Turning round the corner onto Upper Parliament Street we can see the Upper Houses of Parliament.


Not many people know that this is where the real political descisions are made, Tony Blair and that lot in London are actually actors scripted by ex-Brookside writers and paid for by the proceeds from freckle sales. A replica was built in London during World War 2 by Harold Cohen and Walter Flimby in an effort to fool the Germans. The real every day politics of the UK are conducted in this one here in Liverpool. You can tell its the real one because it has a barge outside. The fake one in London doesnt.

Quickly moving on to avoid Godzilla


To your right you can see John Lennon. John faked his death and moved back to Liverpool in 1981 under the assumed name of Lon Jennon. John you might recall is famous for the building of the Tyne Bridge and the film “Nude For Satan”. Say hello to John you might not recognise him though cos he does have to wear a red nose and walk round in Black and white incase he gets recognised…..

You’ll see a lot about John Lennon around the city. This is because he was originally a highway man (if you dont agree just go to Nottingham or round Gloucester and see how they are with Robin Hood and Dick Turpin). He would hold up the 81 bus on Acrefield Road quite regularly armed with a mouldy carrot and would say to the passengers on board “Help me if you can Im feeling down and I do appreciate you being round. Help me get my feet back on the ground, Wont you please, please give me your money and jewels so I can go to college and learn to sing and play guitar.” Of course the elderly would melt at his politeness and gladly donate their funds to his worthy cause. The rest is history, as I’m sure you know….

Ok ladies and gentlemen we are now shortly approaching the end of our tour of Liverpool as you can see we are now at the airport in time for your departure.


This is an old bus so we have to use the old airport. This airport has stood on this site for over two million years now and was once used as a landing strip for pteradactyls. Of course there are no such things as pteradactyls as you know, but regardless here our tour must end. I hope you enjoyed your virtual tour of Virtual Liverpool and I hope you all will come again soon….passengers are reminded to take their policemen with them and anyone stealing John Lennon will be cast into a pit of marmite….OMG! look out aaarghh look out for that Liver Bird!!! arrrghh!!!


Thank you for travelling Gnomepants Tours

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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