The lovely zoefruitcake mentioned a link to toys in her journal today. Of course I clicked and immediately the torments and unfairness of childhood came flooding back to me.

Out of the 100 toys I had

finger frights – Who didn’t? The sensational stephmog sent me a picture of some the other day (complete with missing arms) and reminded me of the joys of terrorising my gran with said finger puppets.
weebles – Charlotte has been delighted by playing with these. I just hope they don’t leak their contents
Rubiks Cube – I didn’t have the cube as such but actually had a sphere with the flags of football teams. Great fun!
Zoids – I still have Zoidzilla and only recently took him off display. He is currently residing in a shoebox on the bookcase of “Things to sort out later”
Chemistry set – I spilt orange dye on the carpet. I never saw the chemistry set again. 😦 I wanted to make a potion to make me rich but of course I never got the chance to. Good thing really because at 10 years old I was still quite a bit immature.
Mastermind – I had this passed down to me from my elder brothers. I couldnt be arsed to work out how to play it so just flicked the pieces about. Sad really. They fetch quite a bit on Ebay now.
Wade whimsies – I got loads of these one year when my mum bought some fancy christmas crackers.
Guess who – Being a child whose brothers had left home and having few friends, the only person who would play Guess Who with me was my Nan. Even then I’m sure she let me win. 😦
Cascade – I had this. It was great until my mum tidied it away once and punctured one of the trampolines. Then the rubber belt perished. Then my world ended. I think I’ve still got a ball bearing from it in my nick-nack tin
Magic Robot – Another hand me down. Only this time from my dad. When my nan died it was never seen again. Probably binned. Sad really as this too fetches quite a bit on Ebay
Stay Alive – This game mysteriously disappeared. I suspect Paul Midgely or my mum reappropriated it.
Connect 4 – I was quite good at Connect 4. That is until I realised my Nan was actually letting me win. Jeez no wonder Im so fucked up!
Downfall – Bits went missing from this game. My cousin Sally probably ate them. No doubt she didn’t know what she was doing.
Kerplunk – A game of skill. Jim says this game was the arse. I say its timeless
Mouse Trap – Discussing this at the weekend with angelhands and Jim brought the discovery that angelhands had actually set the trap up before playing the game not as you played it. She couldnt see what the enjoyment was in playing it the way she did. Dipper.
Mr Frosty – Ice slush machine. Kate Andrews persuaded me to take it to her house. We played with it as her mum would let her have ice cubes (my mum wouldn’t) Great fun. Then Kate asked me to leave it at hers while I went in for my tea. I did. I never saw Kate or the Mr Frosty again. The bitch and her family moved house a month later.
Game and Watch – I still have my Donkey Kong Junior. When I’m really bored I dig it out, pop batteries in the back and get a score of 999 before putting it away again.
Etchasketch – Moments of fun with vectors. Hours of frustration and rage because some twat shook my seaside masterpiece into oblivion.
Cluedo – I was the Cluedo king. My Nan never seemed to be very good at it.
Spirograph – the chewed remnants of spirograph was handed down to me from my older brothers. I bored of it quickly.
Hangman -Remembering playing the rude word edition with Paul Midgeley in a tent in my back garden still brings a smile to my face
Dr Who Tardis – Another casualty of tidying up. One day it worked and Dr Who was there. The next I came home to find one of my visiting cousins had decided Dr Who needed a drink and the spinny thing that made him disappear would look better with the Tardis door snapped off. Destructive bastards.
Telescope – Auntie Joyce left me hers in her will (so I’m told). I still have it and used it often -lunar eclipses, solar eclipses, playing Rear Window
Big Trak – A recent search of my mum and dads loft brought fruit in the form of Big Trak. The instructions that “The child (Charlotte) is not to have that” were issued. No doubt noone will listen
Action Man – Mine was a spaceman. Until my mum ran over his helmet with the vacuum Cleaner
Computer – A VIC20 brought me no end of frustration and torment at school. Further embarrassment was to follow with the gift of a C64. It wasnt until much later that I realised that the C64 was a top computer and everyone that took the piss was jealous. But the scars still run deep. Bastards.
Bike – My first bike was, you guessed it, a hand me down. A Raleigh Tomahawk. Not quite a Chopper but good enough. Especially as I could do better wheelies than the kids in my road (until the Vickary’s moved in). Then as the boys got better bikes in the form of Raleigh Grifters I managed to get a Grifter XL which lasted me right up to the age of 16 and often helped me on my paper round. Problem was I grew quite fast then and my knees would be red raw because I kept hitting the handle bars. Cue a Raleigh Mustang which, until 2003, was still in use. It has now been replaced with another Raleigh bike whose name I forget but standards are not the same and this bike is starting to come apart……

Stuff I wanted but never got

Walkie talkies – Only the geeky kids like David Griffiths, Peter Kayle and Duncan Nealey had walkie talkies. Their parents gave them anything they asked for because they were bright over privileged bastards. However their social growth was stunted as their parents wouldnt let them watch Grange Hill
Tomy Tronic – Santa has one of these for me on his sleigh. It just fell off and got mixed up with some other kids toys. 😦
Big Yellow Teapot – OK I’m a boy. Yes it is slightly suspicious in your stereotypical mind. But I wanted one of these. I also wanted one of them magic trees as well but I never did get one. I got a tea set though. I turned out ok. But not for the want of a Big Yellow Teapot.
Perfection – Clockwork shape race against time puzzle. Only the Kayles were privileged enough to have one of these. They also had a huge Skaelectric. Pity their mum was such a bitch.
Dungeons & Dragons – I always wanted to play D&D. Noone would play games with me and my Nan thought that D&D was one step away from sacrificing chickens. Of course all the twatty horrid kids like David Griffiths, Dom Smith and that Simon Goff played it. But would they let me join in? Would they fuck! When they did let me join in it was for their amusement alone and I usually ended up getting killed in the first 10 minutes of the game. D&D took a back seat when Griffiths joined the chess club. I joined that too but of course Griffiths and Goff would play against each other all the time and noone would challenge me to a game. So fuck them….bastards…..
Simon – Guess who had one of these? Not me! Twat
Computer battleships – He had one of these too. He didn’t have cousins or brothers to come and break his toys did he? No! Hope he gets worms I really do!
Speak and spell – Spell twat – G-R-I-F-F-I-T-H-S
Star Bird – Jon Fairhurst was the envy of the class. He had a Starbird and he also had some other spin off thing that came with it. His dad worked for a toy company (so we were told, he was actually some dodgy gangsta and helped set up the Cream club in Liverpool). People were so envious of Jon and his Starbird. David Griffiths saw to that though.
Sonic ear – I suppose the real reason I didn’t get one of these was I would probably have used it on old Mrs Apple-tree-owner. I doubt listening to the demented ramblings of a senile witch would have made me a better person….

Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.

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