Things that mystify me at Christmas

Cards that I have no idea who they are from – So far this year I’ve had 7 cards I have no idea who they are from. 3 of which were in my inbox in work. Obviously someone got a staff list and worked their way through it. But the other 4 are a complete mystery (and they are not from LJ’ers).

Carol Singers that only know Jingle Bells and We Wish you a Merry Christmas – If I mistakenly open the door to the scruffy estate urchins and they do break into a chorus of Jingle Bells or We wish you a Merry Christmas I say “Sing me something else” This normally results in bad renditions of either Silent Night or Away in a Manger. Again I say “How about Sir Christemas, Past Three O’Clock or one of the nicer John Rutter pieces they surely must do at school” to which I get blank faces and I pull out £5 and say again “You can have this if you come back and sing me 3 proper carols”. They must be well off, or stupid as they never return. If they did a nice 4 part harmony arrangement of O Little Town of Bethlehem or In the Bleak Mid-winter (The Darke version sorry logacat) then I would probably give them £10. When I was their age I knew nearly 45% of One Hundred Carols For Choirs. Thats not unreasonable is it??

Mince Pies – Why do people like these. Again I have decided I actually don’t like them. Mince Pies, for you crazy Merricans that don’t know, are traditional Christmas fayre in England. They are small and have a filling of cubed parsnips, olives and a Marmite jus. Fucking rank! Legend has it they make you go blind and possibly unattractive to the opposite sex.

Present buying We at Chez Gnomepants try to get the Christmas shopping out of the way by October. This usually results in saving some money however we struggle for my side of the family as they all have everything anyway and actually only want presents so that they don’t feel left out. Greedy fuckers.

Political Correctness Ceases – On Sunday I noticed how inappropriate the Carol God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen is. Firstly a merry gentleman would be a piss head. So basically you are singing “Drunks should be blessed by God”. A bit further in there is a verse that says

And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of
Christmas all others doth deface.

Now to my mind that’s inciting violence. Maybe not literally but nearly. Basically, hug everyone at this time that other religions defile with their own methods of celebration. Either way, its wrong.

The Lack of the Tradition of the Albatross – For many years I have seen the waning of an ancient tradition at Christmas time. Probably due to the influence of Western ideals. The Tradition of the Albatross dates back many many years and was once a popular event especially amongst the lower classes and those with seafarers in the family. What do you mean? You’ve never heard of it? I’m serious! Its a waning tradition many over the age of 26 will recall the great albatross Christmas of 1979 when…Tut ok…I’ll have to explain in a different post I suppose…

Christmas Pudding – Why people like Christmas pudding is a mystery to me. I’d sooner eat the kitty tray. Dirty.

Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.

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