Right. Listen up. If you’re going to live in this country, you’re going to have to live by Core British Values
Except in the following situations
- You are walking in the countryside or somewhere remote
- They question your parenting skills
- They stop you and look menacing
All other attempts of communication should be greeted by non-committal grunts or hand gestures.
2. The Weather.
It is only permissible to become patriotic during World Sports events during which bedeck your house, your car, your kids, even your fucking dog with St Georges Cross flags. You can even wear face paints if it makes you feel better and you don’t care that people think you’re a bit touched. Every other time, being patriotic is frowned upon and people will single you out as being racist and possibly a member of far right extremist political parties.
- In a restaurant
- Order your food, eat it, moan to your fellow diners about how it’s cold/flavourless/got the waiters thumb print in it. When the waiter or Maitre D’or asks if you are enjoying your meal – Lie and tell him that it’s spot on.
- At home
- After A Night out
It is compulsory that you obtain a kebab, a pizza, a portion of chips or a tray of half rice and chips with curry sauce. You are only allowed to eat half of it. Tradition dictates that you should throw the remainder into a random garden, that of a neighbour or leave at the base of a telegraph pole upon which you should urinate.
There are four main sports those aspiring to be British should pay close attention to:-
- Football (Soccer)
- Football is the main stay of most British people but you do not necessarily have to know how the game is played nor do you need to know who any of the star players are. You certainly don’t need to choose a team to support. Simply nip down to your local knitwear store and buy a
- . The colour will dictate what team you support. If anyone says anything derogatory towards your team simply snarl or grunt in a non-committal way. Red is a popular colour, especially in the North. Football is popular with southern Britainers too and the same random colour scarf tactic will work. However one should be wary of walking around areas of London Dockland in any colour other than blue
The more burly the men; the rougher the sport (except in the case of Rugby Union where they prance about the pitch with posies). Rugby is popular along the M62 Corridor of Warrington to West Yorkshire. Some argue that Rugby was actually started by hard northerners who fancied kicking the skull of a southern jessie about the place. Some don’t. Soccer’s ‘random scarf rule’ can also apply to Rugby but would be fans should be wary of being caught out by hard core fans.
Cricket is a game for the posh and well to do. When you understand the game you will gain automatic residency to Great Britain.
A pub game but popular international sport played by lobbing sharp pointy things at a cork board from a distance however would be players should be wary of the skill : waist line ratio. Remember, the fatter the opponent, the less chance you have of winning.
6. The British Pub
Whereas some cultures head to a place of worship, a true British person would head to the pub. The pub is a sacred holy place (and until recently relatively women free) and is a core British Value that should be revered in a similar manner to that which is given to sacred relics or literature. Upon entering the pub, British patriots will stand patiently at the bar and await service from the bar servant. It may also be customary to lean over the bar on ones elbows in an effort to attract attention even if the bar servant has spotted you.
Upon being approached by a bar servant one should order a drink. Drinks one can choose from include:-
- a pint of Stella (a British beer brewed in Birmingham by captive French prisoners of War.)
- A pint of bitter (does exactly what it says on the tin)
- Cider( popular with the youth)
- bottled lager
Ordering brightly coloured drinks, wine or fizzy pop is frowned upon and should only deemed as acceptable if drunk by women. The larger the quantity of beer you consume the more important and honoured one will become in the pub hierarchy. The smoking of cigarettes is heavily encouraged and is compulsory. Faux coughing or wafting of or blowing away smoke is punishable by ridicule so don’t do it.
There are numerous values and traditions held about transport including:-
- The Bus
There has been a rise in illegal and unlicensed buses of recent years. One should be wary of imitation buses that are not the traditional British red. One should also be wary of boarding buses from the front. None red buses that allow alighting from the front are run by illegal immigrants and passengers are being transported to factories in the Midlands where upon they are turned into Spam. Upon boarding a red bus one must immediately take a seat and not look at or talk to other passengers. If a man or woman in uniform comes up to you, immediately take defensive action.
- The Underground
One can travel to any part of the British isles via the London Underground rail service. If one requires to go to Belfast, Edinburgh or Penzance and one is in London, simply board a tube train at Mornington Crescent. If you are unable to locate your destination on the automated ticket machine choose one that looks or sounds similar to your chosen destination. Nobody pays any attention to where your destination is on Tube tickets anyway.
- The Train
Trains should look like this or in the case of the Underground like this. If the train at your boarding platform does not look like this immediately tell a man in uniform. Train forgery is punishable by death.
Similar rules apply to travel on train as they do to bus. Do not engage your fellow passengers in conversation. If they start talking to you, rock back and forth in your seat and try foaming at the mouth. If they continue to talk to you it is traditional to stand up and scream at the top of ones voice. Consumption of refreshments is compulsory on longer train journeys. One should purchase refreshments from the dining car. Note that the sandwiches are traditionally served floppy and overpriced and the hot beverages are specially heated in nuclear ovens to ensure long lasting heat. Hot tea is a Core British Value.
- The motorcar
When driven, motorcars should be driven as slow as possible. It is unBritish to drive at any speed greater than 20mph. Speeds in excess of 50mph is deemed as treason and can be punishable by death.
- Shanks’ Pony
Bred in the Scottish highlands, Shanks’ Pony is recognisable by its distinctive tartan coat. Shanks’ Ponies live in harmony with the wild haggis and their domesticated breed have been a popular form of transport since 1742. Shanks’ Ponies can be picked up from inside any police station where they are kept warm in specially designed stables.
The British hold great value in uniforms. All people in uniforms should be given utmost respect be they Park Wardens, Traffic Wardens, NCP Attendants , Ticket Inspectors or Policemen. Failure to show respect will result in deportation and possibly even scurvy.
Tea should be drunk at every available opportunity. Coffee is an unacceptable substitute. Tea, milk and one sugar. One should drink tea by lifting up the cup or mug with the little finger extended. Failure to do so is an insult to British Core Values and may be punished by 50 lines saying “I must drink tea like an adult or I will end up in detention writing lines that say”
10. The Queen
The Queen should be seen as your true mother. She gave birth to you not that woman who tucked you in at night. Any other claims to motherhood are false. Queen Elizabeth II is the one true mother of all British subjects (including double history on a Wednesday afternoon). One should send the Queen a birthday card for both her birthdays and should invite her round for tea as often as possible, although twice a year is deemed acceptable.
Wait in line. If you are waiting for the post office counter to become available:- Wait in line. If you are waiting for a bus:- Wait in line. If you are awaiting the second coming of Christ:- Wait in line. It is a deep rooted British Value that one should queue for things. Unlike those awful Continentals who just barge in and demand service. Should the queue take too long or someone pushes ahead of the queue it is traditional that all should tut in an audible fashion. Moaning about being late and tapping ones feet and watch face is also customary and a value held dear by most British subjects (except geography on Thursday after lunch)
These are Core British Values. I hope they make things clearer for colonials visitors and those wishing to remain in the country. Thank you for partaking.