We interrupt this journal to take you to our news room and a badger in traditional Welsh dress with an urgent news flash.

 Hello.  We are receiving shocking reports from residents in Brierley that someone has been taking the plums that grow on the trees in the back lane that services the Village Club and houses. The missing plums have been taken not only from the floor but also from the tree itself by a new scrumping technique developed in the Northwest frontiers of England. Over to our reporter, Acanof Tomatoes, who is at the scene .

Thankyou Bernard. In the early evening they came yet nobody saw them. Witnesses claim that the tree had been shedding fruit for over a week and that the fruit had been “left unclaimed”. Our sources also reveal that ownership of the trees are uncertain. The poor orphaned plums had been snatched from the lane and some were knocked from the tree using a technique unfamiliar in these parts. The technique apparently involved the gentle tapping of the tree with a stout stick in an attempt to displace the fruits. I am here with Professor Goggins an academic from the University of Johns Hopkins

Good Afternoon. Yes the fruit appears to have been knocked from the tree with a stout stick. The stick had been tapped against the trunk with enough force to produce oscillations in the branches at a frequency of around 100 Hrtz. The resulting vibrations caused the ripened fruit to fall to the floor.

And do you think the plums suffered during the fall?

How the fuck would I know? I’m a Urologist.

Some locals fear that the fruit has been collected and is currently being shipped to fruit camps in Cuba where they will be trafficked and forced into prostitution or slavery. However others talk of rumours of barbaric acts of stewing, homemade oat crumble topping and the application of custard and a “rather pleasant end to the meal darling”. Back to you Bernard.

Thank you Acanof. And we’ll bring you further Brierley news as and when it happens.