Thank you for the letter and the kind health advice.
Might I point out that your mince pies are of a low standard and your sherry may as well be lighter fluid. Twice in 32 years I’ve broken a tooth on a nut shell while eating your mince pies. I guess you get them from a lower quality store such as Netto or Aldi. They really are rank and I would appreciate it if you got a better quality for this year. As for the sherry, I’d sooner drink from your bird bath. I’ve had stronger cups of tea. Maybe if you can fulfil your end of the bargin, ie. quality mince pies (Not Mr Kipling or super markets own brand thankyou very much) and a better class of Sherry (Amontillado will do) then I will consider leaving you the presents you request. But seriously, do you expect me to actually leave you a McClaren F1? Its a sodding sleigh I drive round in not a delivery truck I wouldn’t be able to lift my sack off the ground with a car in it you stupid boy!
I apologise about the reindeer mess on your lawn last year. Rudolph had a bad curry the night before so really he couldnt help it. However I would like to point out that your unkempt roses scratched poor Dasher’s back leg to pieces last year and Blitzen nearly had to be put down after eating that ivy you have growing up the fence. I believe you are the inconsiderate one in this case. You know I only visit once a year and in the dead of winter….you should prune them all back in November ready for the new growth in the spring.
Let me also apologise about the sooty boot prints on your rug. However, again, I don’t believe this to be my fault entirely. You should clean your bloody chimney. There’s more soot up that flue than coal on the Grimethorpe Seam. Thats a health hazard you know! Not only will my lungs fill up with black shite but Mrs Santa really protests about getting the soot out of my trousers. It takes a good hot wash and often requires prewash scrubbing. Poor Mrs Santa’s hands were red raw last year and she was unable to give me a hand job until February. So if you present me with a rug cleaning bill…just wait and see what I’ll give you…and it wont be a McClaren F1. I’ve always got that spare Barbie doll you know.
Tipping off the Environmental Health people really wasnt a nice thing to do either. I’ve enough on my plate with my CRB check and the copyright and royalties case against Coca Cola. The last thing I need is some officious council official giving me grief about the Health & Safety at Work Act or issuing me with an ASBO. So just you watch it Gnomepants, I’ve seen your porno stash…remember I see you when you’re sleeping and I know when you’re awake so I’ll definitely know if you’ve been bad or good.
PS. Its not me rolling out my bins its Basil Rathbone having a party
PPS. Thankyou for the tip off. No presents for celticblissy.