Reply to reply from Santa

Dear Fatty,

Thankyou for your swift reply.

Firstly I’ll have you know that my mince pies are only the highest quality Waitrose Mince Pies. They are made in a bakery near Worcester by eunuchs using gold ovens and platinum utensils. The mince is made of the worlds rarest breed of currants and spices. At £10 a box I would hardly class them as “low standard” you arrogant prick. If you’ve broken your tooth on a nut shell I’d suspect that is because there isnt enough fluoride in your water and that you should consult your GP incase it is the onset of something quite nasty.

Secondly, the sherry is also from Waitrose and aged in decades old Madeira barrels. It also won awards from the British Sherry Council five years on the run. If your delicate palate is not refined enough to appreciate the excellent quality of sherry I provide, maybe I should start leaving out a glass of milk instead.

Thirdly, feeding Scandinavian wildlife rich foods such as curries is tantamount to animal cruelty. You’ve been warned before about your obese cattle. They are not very aerodynamic as it is so making them as fat as you isn’t really going to help them beat the laws of physics. Is it? I can only apologise for my roses causing injury to Dasher but, like I said, maybe using my drive way as a landing strip is a better idea than just drunkenly driving your sleigh through the fence? I fear that Blitzen’s ivy poisoning is more likely to be you feeding him that doner kebab do you know how much trans-fat is in one of them? I don’t suppose you do.

Fourthly, I accept your apology for your sooty boot prints on the rug. I might remind you that my last house didn’t have a coal fire nor a chimney, more a flue for the central heating boiler. As the old house was a new build I find it amusing that you could mistake Barratt homes cement for soot. I know it is dark in there but still you’d have to be pissed out of your head to even contemplate mistaking cement for soot. Glaucoma is a complication of diabetes. Have you had your blood sugar levels tested?

Fifthly, the nice people at the Environmental Health were assisting me with a noise abatement issue , if you hadn’t been so off your face on sherry maybe you would have noticed their car in the street. So you better watch out but you better not cry, you had better not pout. I’ll tell you why if I ever see your fat face causing trouble round my gaff kiddo.

Much Love,

Gnomepants.

PS. celticblissy calls you Father Christmas. Are you related?