The Compostual Existentialist

Wordpress flavour with added crunchy bits

Poop

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I’ve done polls on this very subject.

This morning I was making my daily ablutions and that creeping feeling, which normally occurs an hour after adjourning from bed, held me by the hand and sat me on the porcelain chair. Eager to get on with the day’s tasks I hurriedly made the necessary bodily function and reached for the toilet roll. To my absolute horror there was none. Just the little cardboard inner tube with a 1 ply sheet wafting mockingly at me.

I glanced round. No fresh virgin toilet roll could be seen. Plenty of paint pots, brushes, sponges, shampoos and exfoliants, but no bog roll. That feeling of dread started to grip me as I began to realise that there was a severe toilet paper drought in the new bathroom. Luckily I was on the toilet and I had already done what I needed to do. I just needed to wipe (Yes I know I said this was nice lunch time reading but bear with me). Trying not to make a bigger mess than necessary I rose, trousers around my ankles and hobbled carefully to the bathroom cabinet.
The bathroom cabinet is facing the wrong way at the moment. This is because the bathroom is in a state of decorating flux and there are other anomalies like a dining chair and a heap of newspapers and dust sheets to navigate before one gets to the cabinet. The difficulty is heightened by the fact that the cabinet, as I alluded to earlier, is facing the wrong way. Normally access to the cabinet would take a brief yank of the door and egress could be made. Alas no. With the cabinet in it’s current position one has to lean over the dining chair and pots of paint, risk ruining a perfectly good black shirt with white paint and gamble that the splats of paint on the floor are actually dried. I opened the cabinet to find no toilet rolls.

Now, through the miracle of memory and Livejournal let me take you back but three quarters of an hour earlier.

***wibble wibble wibble***
8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok, do you see what happened there? Shall I run it past you again? Did you miss it??

***wibble wibble wibble***

8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet (for a shit) then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok now do you see? **nods sagely**

So I was trapped. In the bathroom. Trousers round my ankles. Marmitized. The nearest loo roll I knew of was down stairs, past some very open and public windows and in the pantry. I’m sure the police will be calling shortly with charges of indecent exposure.
So in retaliation I intend to leave the toilet roll, the empty one, exactly where it is. I have hidden the new toilet roll. This is what will happen tonight upon arrival home from work.

Mrs Gnomepants – Hello dear, I’m just nipping for a poo
stegzy – Very good. Exit stage left, goes for a long walk.

See how she likes it.

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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