Poop

I’ve done polls on this very subject.

This morning I was making my daily ablutions and that creeping feeling, which normally occurs an hour after adjourning from bed, held me by the hand and sat me on the porcelain chair. Eager to get on with the day’s tasks I hurriedly made the necessary bodily function and reached for the toilet roll. To my absolute horror there was none. Just the little cardboard inner tube with a 1 ply sheet wafting mockingly at me.

I glanced round. No fresh virgin toilet roll could be seen. Plenty of paint pots, brushes, sponges, shampoos and exfoliants, but no bog roll. That feeling of dread started to grip me as I began to realise that there was a severe toilet paper drought in the new bathroom. Luckily I was on the toilet and I had already done what I needed to do. I just needed to wipe (Yes I know I said this was nice lunch time reading but bear with me). Trying not to make a bigger mess than necessary I rose, trousers around my ankles and hobbled carefully to the bathroom cabinet.
The bathroom cabinet is facing the wrong way at the moment. This is because the bathroom is in a state of decorating flux and there are other anomalies like a dining chair and a heap of newspapers and dust sheets to navigate before one gets to the cabinet. The difficulty is heightened by the fact that the cabinet, as I alluded to earlier, is facing the wrong way. Normally access to the cabinet would take a brief yank of the door and egress could be made. Alas no. With the cabinet in it’s current position one has to lean over the dining chair and pots of paint, risk ruining a perfectly good black shirt with white paint and gamble that the splats of paint on the floor are actually dried. I opened the cabinet to find no toilet rolls.

Now, through the miracle of memory and Livejournal let me take you back but three quarters of an hour earlier.

***wibble wibble wibble***
8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok, do you see what happened there? Shall I run it past you again? Did you miss it??

***wibble wibble wibble***

8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet (for a shit) then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok now do you see? **nods sagely**

So I was trapped. In the bathroom. Trousers round my ankles. Marmitized. The nearest loo roll I knew of was down stairs, past some very open and public windows and in the pantry. I’m sure the police will be calling shortly with charges of indecent exposure.
So in retaliation I intend to leave the toilet roll, the empty one, exactly where it is. I have hidden the new toilet roll. This is what will happen tonight upon arrival home from work.

Mrs Gnomepants – Hello dear, I’m just nipping for a poo
stegzy – Very good. Exit stage left, goes for a long walk.

See how she likes it.

Umbrella ladies

4:30pm

stegzy – Where are you?
Mrs Gnomepants – I’m in the Raven in Wakefield with Scott.
stegzy – What time will you be home?
Mrs Gnomepants – I’m setting off soon why don’t you come and join us?
stegzy – Because I’m nearly home now. I’ll see you when you get back

6pm

Text from Mrs Gnomepants – Will be home soon. Just waiting for Scott.

8pm

Text from Mrs Gnomepants – Our Lyndz will bring me home. Won’t be long now

10pm

Phone call
Lyndz – I’m calling you from the speed camera on Pontefract Road do you know why?
stegzy – You’ve hit someone?
Lyndz – No. Because I’ve had to stop to let your drunken wife be sick
stegzy – Ah. Right.

10:15

Mrs Gnomepants returns. Drunk. Very very drunk. She is currently talking to Rolf on the great white telephone.

Silly girl.

Weekend

stegzy – I’ve downloaded Lost we can watch it tonight
Mrs Gnomepants – Oh good.

>Five minutes later<

Mrs Gnomepants – Did you download Lost?
stegzy – Yes I downloaded Lost it’s on the computer. Would you like for tea?

>Less than 2 minutes later<

Mrs Gnomepants – – Did you download Lost?
stegzy – That’s three times you’ve asked me

I hope this isn’t the onset of senility.

This weekend has been spent in the company of my olds who have been absolute lovelies. The weekend involved walking, eating, talking and sampling chutney (thanks to FJ).

ION, the second year FdA Journos are well impressed with our film.

Now. Well now I’m tired. Too much to do, not enough vim to encourage me to do it.