It seems, according to the lower quality press, that today will be our last day on Earth. Tomorrow the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a vast multimillion pound particle accelerator, gets switched on. Some, namely those that believe the entire planet was flooded in 3000BC and that all human kind are decended from Adam and Eve and those running for presidential office via the Republican party, believe that this will cause us all to die by being sucked into miniture black holes.
Of course nothing of the sort will happen. Scientists will probably wet themselves over some numbers and some spikey graphs, but that’s the limit. I recall several other “near apocalypse events” over the years – Russia nuking us; Haley’s comet colliding with the planet; great calamities befalling us as predicted by some long dead beardy weirdy; the usual bollocks really. I really thought that after the year 2000 (when of course we were all doomed because of the millenium bug) we’d matured enough to realise that all this “end-of-the-world” bollocks was just that….bollocks. Alas it seems not. So, if I don’t post on Thursday you’ll know why. Of course, you’ll know why at the same time as me.
So what do you do at the end of the world? Fornicate? Loot? Commit all those crimes you were too afraid to commit? Carry on like any other normal day until the inevitable? Some, namely those that stick fishes on the back of their cars, would insist that you repent and pray to God. But the big guy is already a very busy man and you’d only get through to the equivalent of a celestial call centre. Therefore, I suggest you nip out now have a fuck, rob some chocolate from the sweet shop and then blatently leave your car parked in a no parking area. At least that way if it doesn’t all go down the plug hole, you’ll just have toothache and a chunky fine to pay instead of living in fear of dropping the soap in the shower block.