The Compostual Existentialist

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Brum

New year, new wheels. The trusty VW Golf TDi, Binwids, cost me just one £80 fill up too many and together with the diesel emissions thing, the VW software fiddle and the fact that it I no longer need to drive over 100 miles a day to do my job, it was time to retire it. Fortunately Mr Big Man, the boss, bought it off me for his brother. Which was nice; and he thought so too.

So now I drive this little zippy thing

It’s a Smart ForFour with Nightsky and it’s slicker than the hair on a 1950’s binman and fewer miles on the clock than the coast of Wales. It even has heated seats, so Zoe is happy and the number plate is handily blurred so that I don’t get caught by speed cameras and ANPRs.

Of course today was my first proper outing in it and I quickly remembered how it was when I used to drive the AX.


My first car, the Citreon AX Jive, with Mrs Gnomepants Mk1

That was a nice car too, but you often found that van and truck drivers and wankers in BMWs thought that they could drive as close as they liked. In the Vectra, the Golf and the Hyundai Coupe, I noticed they held well back. Though I did notice that BMW drivers remained wankers. Of course, back then I didn’t know that BMW drivers only drive BMWs because they can’t actually drive and that driving a BMW is the motoring equivalent of cycling with stabilisers. Trufacs.

Although it is built by Mercedes Benz, as you can see, the Smart actually comes with indicators and, unlike Jaguars, it actually has a decent accelerator. Indeed, you might also notice that it has mirrors too, something sadly lacking on Audis. Not only that, you won’t see any rust on the vehicle which proves that Ford had nothing to do with it.


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Christine

The Vectra (heap of useless tits it is) decided that it was going to be a naughty girl today and leaked brake fluid all over the mechanic while it was up on the ramp. As a punishment the mechanic (who’s name wasn’t Mike) thought that failing it on it’s MOT would teach it a lesson. And rightly so, I’d have done the same. It also decided that suspension bushes are a bit gay and that allowing them to wear out would make it look a bit raunchy. Well the mechanic didn’t think so. So instead of failing on the emissions and brakes it failed on the brake pipe and the suspension bushes. So that’s only like 3 things.

So another day without a car. To repair the fucker it will cost me approximately £140.

Still it’s cheaper than a new car and I’ll save that in not buying the petrol that I would have bought for the Mondeo.


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Mr 10%

Today I bid farewell to the Mondeo. Thank fuck. Lately the drivers door hasn’t been locking correctly and that was just about the last straw. I promise Never to go back to a Ford. They’ve gone shit since they stopped making them at Halewood and my Uncle retired.

Tonight I try to resuscitate the Vectra. I’ve got an Emergency heart starter thing (a battery charger) and I’m going to put on my best doctors outfit (tatty jeans and paint splattered rugby shirt) and revive that old girl. No doubt I will shriek “It lives!” in my best Colin Clive if/when it does start.

Tomorrow I take the Vectra for an MOT.


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Man

I had to be all manly today and try and fix two cars. So, after rubbing my face with dirt from the car and rolling a roll up cigarette I stood looking at both cars and pretended I knew what I was doing.

I popped the bonnet open on one of the cars. Poked around inside and tutted.

Having then reached the limit of my mechanical expertise I drove to a scrap yard where I was joined by similarly attired gentlemen who then stood around the Fiesta and tutted, sighed a bit and shook their heads. Eventually a price was plucked out of the ether and £50 later I came away with a new bulb for the Mondeo, a car stereo and a new wheel for the Fiesta.

My job done I settled back down to a less manly state of loading the dishwasher, doing a bit of tidying and moisturising my hands.

Ah the joys of being a modern man.


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Agreement

The wife and I have “an agreement” which dates back to when we only had one car. Since the Fitzwilliam Green Nasty Barbeque we are back to being a one car family. The “agreement” goes something like this

When I am off work and the wife is not and I need the car – I have to get up early, drive her into work and possibly pick her up if required. Arranging my day around these events. She is allowed to discuss the fairness of this arrangement and even veto the use of the car.

When the wife is off work and I am not and she needs the car – I have to get up even earlier, get the bus/a lift/walk into work (using my own money for fares if required) and make arrangements for a return journey as necessary. Allowing her to languish in bed and change her mind (as is her right) and stay in all day watching home interior design programmes and I am forbidden to discuss the fairness of this arrangement under pain of death.

That’s fair isnt it?