Plan to ban smoking on the streets in Barnsley

Just fucking absurd!

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Last time

This is the last time I’m making plans for the weekend.

 

What I Planned

What actually happened

Torchwood version
 Get up at 9  Got up at 9:30. In a bad mood because Mrs Mop
had been pissing everywhere last night (including on my
jeans).
 “Morning! By the way I’m bisexual”
 Have healthy breakfast  Had bacon and sausage barm from dirty flowershop “I’ll have a bacon and sausage barm. With your sausage because I might be gay.”
 Go to farm shop for veg  Waiting for windowcleaning/car fixing brother-in-law to finish up  “You can chamois leather my bum after you’ve done those windows because I’m Omnisexual.”
 Go to new farm shop for a poke around  Sitting round writing LJ posts  “Let’s have group sex and be done with it.”
 Come home and cook delicious food  Even that tin of brussell sprouts is now starting to look appealing  “You can eat me”
 Relax in the thought that no more expense until next pay day  Mrs Mop has had a flare up of her cystitis. That’s another £60 I’ve go to find.  “Are you the vet? I’m a sleazy time travelling lounge lizard with added animal magnetism”
 Take over the world  Thwarted by George W Bush ” And I would have gotten away with it if it wasnt for you pesky kids. Fancy some sex.”

Stupid! Running on a bank

Oh dear. Looks like Britain is suffering from a case of the stupids. I can sympathise but, as I see it, all this panicking will do is just reduce the price of the stockmarket shares and bring about financial instability.

Links to: BBC News article about Northern Rock.

Who the fuck are you?

Two things are annoying me at the moment. One is Ascot and the other is Jenni Trent-Hughes. I’ll come to Ascot in a later post.

Jenni fucking Trent-Hughes has been a guest on BBC Breakfast talking on a variety of topics this week. From the look of her site and her fucking Wikipedia entry she is some sort of selfstyled gob on legs.

Take for example the variety of topics discussed this week on Breakfast.

Monday

Bill Turnbull – Today we are discussing childhood poverty and I’m joined today by childhood expert Jenni Trent-Hughes

Tuesday

Dermot Murnaghan – Today we are discussing the use of salt in breakfast cereals and I’m joined today by columnist Jenni Trent-Hughes

Wednesday

Sian Lloyd – The use of lego in torture centres across the globe is a concern to all and sundry. To discuss this I am joined by Jenni Trent-Hughes

Thursday

Bill Turnbull – Just who or what killed Ötzi the Iceman? A mystery still unsolved today, to help discuss this I’m joined by our resident expert on every fucking topic known to man, woman, their dog and their second cousin twice removed Jenni fucking Trent fucking Hughes

Like who the fuck is she?! This morning she was there with Bill and Sian and some hideously frightful banshee shrieking on about the socio-acceptable use of mobile phones. Speaking on our behalf. Like she was societies chosen spokesperson. Well I got news for you missis. You’re not my spokesperson!

So she sits there all smug and she has this air of superiority about her discussing things in her matter of fact way. Joking with Bill and Sian like they’re in some sinister kinky sex cult. Same time, same channel, every day. Where do they find these freakish people from? If they asked me to talk on something like quantum physics or the effect of bananas on the Finnish economy or the Socio-Economic History of the Ottepki Tribe 2863BC-238AD, all subjects I know little about, I too could spout shit for five minutes in a convincing and yet authoritative way. I’m sure, if hard pressed, the BBC could find a different person to talk authoritatively about everything and anything they know fuck all about simply by boarding a commuter train first thing in the morning or even nipping out to the local fucking corner shop. I really don’t want to see her face on my TV again. Well maybe not entirely….I’m sure JTH is knowledgeable about some things but fucking hell… enough! Please!

Course nobody outside the UK will probably find this post relevant but there you go….

Addendum: This post originally appeared on Livejournal in 2007. A comment was made proporting to be from Ms Trent-Hughes and a rebuttal made. Ms Trent-Hughes has not been seen on BBC Breakfast since. Can I have her job?

Post ItTM

The BBC Breakfast News® had thisTM interesting articleTM about KFCTM and Britains highest pub ® The Tan HillTM (I’ve been there©) who are locked in battle TM over the use ® of the English Language © (Note: Not the American LanguageTM, the ENGLISH LANGUAGE©) and the use of the phrase© “Family Feast”TM

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6630000/newsid_6636900/6636999.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm#
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/north_yorkshire/6644177.stm

What if someone ® copyrighted © every combination of words possible?TM © Would we have to stop using wordstm altogether?®.

Would someone be able to JUST DO IT? This copyright thing could be so misunderstood, even a Finger Lick. King Good might also be an infringement or applying for a visa. It’s everywhere you want to be and everywhere you don’t.Where kids want to be. Ask about it at work. Before you dress. Ask how. Ask now. Ask Sherwin Williams, because life is complicated enough without people slapping cease and desist notices all over the place with regard to copyright infringement. Of course the courts are making more possible. Nobody is safe. The few, the proud, the marines, all could be affected by copyright restrictions and trademark infringements. There’s no Life like it.What happens here stays here. We need to make all the right choices so we can be the first to know. We’re the one. Not them. This is what we do.

Stegzy GnomepantsTM
© Stegzy Gnomepants 2007
® Stegzy Gnomepants is an unregistered trade mark

Now With Added Corrections!

TV

Last night I thought I’d break my WOW habit and watch some TV. So I picked up the TV guide and thumbed through it with the express intention of finding something to watch. My head exploded with despair. After I picked up the pieces of skull and brain I had splattered all over the living room I analysed the scheduled programmes I had missed.

UK TV

For the benefit of our Merrycan and European cousins let me explain how TV works in the UK. If you want a television receiver in your house you must have a licence. You can have a black and white CCTV monitor without a licence as long as the equipment is not capable of receiving a television signal. To have video recorders, TV’s or even a Computer with a TV card, regardless of whether they are connected to an aerial or not, in the UK you must have a TV licence.

The proceeds of which go to fund the BBC who make great TV programmes when they try. Furthermore, the BBC are also allowed to raise revenue by selling their programming to other networks worldwide. However, they are unable to make revenue by advertising so unlike in Merrycar where <Commercial Break>

Are you angry? Are you keen on sports? Do you weep when you see little kittens having their head bitten off by Tigers? Then why not JOIN THE ARMY! Yes join the army and get shouted at by a foul balding man every day of your career. If you’re lucky you might just get shot at….and if you don’t then maybe you can shoot someone and get paid for it! SO Join the army today

Drink our drink its good for you it makes you look cool and sexy, drink our drink because we tell you to and if you dont you’ll not be popular with anyone

 

</commercial break>

you get adverts every two minutes and the programmes are really just advertising space fillers

<Commercial Break>

Buy this car, it will make you seem more financially bouyant than your friends. Encourage your partner to buy one too that way you can feel more superior to your neighbour who never seem to invite you their kinky sex parties

Have no life? Text “Mugme” to 833434 and get a free ringtone every 20 minutes (The ringtone is free but the text will cost you £4305 a letter) Go on! Your life will seem pointless and might as well end unless you have these ringtones!

</commercial break>

which can get a bit annoying after a while. Anyway because I pay just over £100 a year to the government BBC I get to watch a handful of advertisement free channels. Further more, if I feel I want to be sold to or have every intricate moment of a drama explained to me as though I am a thicko with no clue whatsoever then I can watch ITV who gain their revenue mostly from the sale of advertising space, or I can enjoy the relative “I’m immune to advertising but I’ll watch this interestingly subversive factual current affairs programme aimed at the 20-45 age bracket” chinstrokery of Channel 4 (when they are not showing Big Pervert or something). Indeed, if I feel that I haven’t had enough Americanisation I can tune into Channel 5 and get a fix of syrupy slush whenever I feel like it.

That is until recently. When the powers that be decided that 5 channels isn’t enough and we needed to fall inline with the rest of the world and have Digital TV. Behold Freeview. A multi channel sewer of creativity, behold several other BBC channels (for free) such as BBC3, BBC4, BBC News 24, CBBC (for kiddies), CBeebies (for kiddies that don’t know they are kiddies yet), ITV2, ITV 3 and ITV-somewhere-near-the-bottom-of-the-list-so-you-never-remember-its-there-4, More4, E4 (for yoofs that do EEE’s man), Film Four, UKTV Hitler Coast Alan Titchmarsh’s Natural History History, Q-PVC, Bid up, Bid down, Bid sideways all manner of shite and dirge.

All for free.

Because I pay just over £100 a year.

Good that isn’t it?

What’s more is some people pay a further £400 a year for the privilege of watching everything that has been shown on the free channels in the past again and again, more American TV and the experience of being sold to every 15 minutes (yet more adverts).

Ace.

I dont agree with paying twice for something I’ve already paid for so instead I tend to download illegally programmes I really want to watch (ie reruns of old Dr Who and Lost) or rent and rip via LOVEFilm. But each to their own I suppose.


Anyway I read the TV schedule and this is some of the “quality” televisual treats available for the general British public:-

My Dog is Fat and So am I – Fat people and their fat dogs. Gripping reality TV. NOT

Freaky Eaters – Fat? Watching telly? Hell you’ll never eat again after watching this (Though you’ll still watch telly…wont you?)

Celebrity Dog SuperStar – the public vote for their favorite celebrity so that the rescued dog they are looking after doesn’t get put down

Celebrity Knitwork The public vote on their favorite celebrities knitting patterns. This week Imoelda Staunton knits a spectacle case out of her own navel fluff

Something without that annoying prick Patrick Keilty – A programme, possibly the news, without Patrick Keilty. His mum will be disappointed

Something with Ben Fogel in it – He’s not on telly enough these days so slap a repeat on and nobody will notice.

I was a Celebrity But I Bummed Some Rabbits in Michael Barrymore’s Swimming Pool While off my face on Crystal Meth Make Me Famous Again (Please) – Washed up hasbeens vie to be famous once more for 15 weeks while they try to rebuild their career by doing things they wouldnt normally lower themselves to do had they still had some self respect left.

Don’t Poke Me with a Spoon – Situation comedy, probably about a married couple who secretly hate each other and the trials and tribulations of everyday life with teenagers. With canned laughter incase you don’t know where to laugh.

Holidays you’ll never afford – Watch dreamily as a washed up public school ponce that used to be an interior designer shows you “holidays you’ll never afford unless you sell your children for medical experiments and maybe burn your house down for the insurance” in far off countries you’ve never heard of and are probably made up anyway.

IF…The World Still Had Protozoic Sludge – Popular science scientists and people crying out for research grants discuss what 21st century life might be like if the world was still covered in Protozoic sludge in an effort to justify the millions of pounds already wasted on them by popular Universities.

My Mother was Adolf Hitler – Someone like Adam Hart-Davies bumbles about the countryside on a unicycle interviewing friends of Nelly Bainbridge of Stithians who always claimed to be Adolf Hitler who escaped occupied Germany in a shoe box and had a sex change to disguise his identity.

Old King Coal – Soap Opera set in Yorkshire following the fortunes and struggles of a typical family during the Arthur Scargill era. Cunningly set at a time where if the soap isn’t popular they can end the series by closing darn t’pit. Starring Dr Who’s David Tennant as Arthur Scargill.

Dead Hicks – Science fiction drama for thirtysomethings filmed in and around Solihull where every week parts of which are substitute for far off places such as Delhi, New York and Birmingham. This week the team are visited by their arch-nemisis, the sinister Tax Inspector (played by Patrick Keilty)

I’m so grateful I spend £100 a year on this quality programming. Its like Waitrose selling Kwiksave No Frills Bread. After all it must be good if Waitrose sell it!

Reports

First off, from London, storm1jet2 texted and is ok, and my big high-flyer solicitor friend Tim (whom I see at Christmas) also let me know he is ok. We are still waiting to hear from “Little gay” Chris. But he’s probably in Singapore or Paris making clothes for someone famous. I don’t really want to go into anything about the bombings, mainly because I don’t know anything other than what I hear, see and read. In times like this its best to keep an open mind as to what’s gone on and not speculate or swallow all of the media we are fed.

The chaps in the office have Radio 2 on who are broadcasting bulletins nearly every 5 minutes. Yet little has changed. Nothing new to report, although occasionally someone will speculate on something and then moments later get their speculation disregarded because of something else. I’ll probably be flamed for saying this but there are other things going on in the world, G8 protests etc. yet the bombings seem to have blanketed most of the other news. Big news I suppose. But there’s only so much you can report without repeating yourself incessantly.

In the pub at lunch time they had the TV on Sky news, I heard and saw the same items being read about 4 times in 30 minutes, pictures of the damaged bus and live footage of a street where these guys were pushing these cages up and down the street. Cage pushing being completely newsworthy. Pointless news coverage! Yes I know people are concerned and worried about loved ones and things, I’m not going on about that. I do have compassion (despite what some people may think about me). What I am going on about is the 24 hour media circus constantly braying on about the same bits of news until something happens like an investigator farts or someone spots a box in a doorway and we end up with 2 hours of footage of a box, professors from the University of Bangladesh discussing boxes and parliament footage from right wing back benchers demanding a ban on boxes. The same treatment was given to the 9/11 events, the 12/27 tsunami and the death of the Pope. Endless…tiresome. Almost akin to 1960’s psychological torture. It got so bad that Ifan, the Landlord, flicked over to the cricket.

Another, unrelated, example is BBC breakfast. Yesterday when I turned on Breakfast (at about 7:55) it went like this.

Tail end of local weather
Graphics and music
Cue Dermot Murnanhahnehanmanan
Dermot (wearing a huge fuck off grin) Hello the Olympic committee results will be announced at 12ish today so I’m in Singapore and you’re not! Look at me! I’m in Singapore! Wooo!! Now back to Sian in London
Sian Fuck off Dermot you lucky bastard

Like why send him all that way to Singapore? What the fuck can he do there that he cant do from here other than grin his big “Look at me” grin? Ok at least Natasha Kaplinski (who secretly fancies me honest) in Kenya is curiously interesting for a brief angstroms of a second before she ponces about showing off her tan and talking to a bloke who milks elephants or something. But all Dermot seemed to do, from his studio overlooking the Singaporian skyline, was link to reporters at the venue itself!

A final example, is like when someone gets shot or sent to prison for stealing a cat they sometimes show the outside of their house. Why?! Like knowing where someone lives makes an ounce of difference as to what’s happened. Local BBC news is bad for this and also for using stock footage. Either that or there’s this couple that walk up and down Blackpool Promenade at the same time everyday for the past 5 years and just happen to time their passage passed the camera perfectly!

Why is it that these news corporations feel the need to report on things like this with tiresome repetitiveness? I know just watching a pretty face reading out the news while some background graphic changes is not very interesting. But neither is repeating the same thing over and over again. Really? Is it?? I mean like just think about repeating the same thing over and over again? It gets repetitive repeating things over and over really doesn’t it? I spoke to a professor here at the University of Liverpool who has written many books about repeating.

stegzy – Prof Proff Proph would you like to explain why we need to go into close detail and repeat ourselves time and time again?
Prof Proph – Yes I think I would like to explain in detail why we have the need to go into detail and repeat ourselves. We like to repeat ourselves because we like to know as much detail as we can about things. This is normal and I have in the past gone on about detail and why going into detail is important and crucial to our development of detail and incessant repeating of the same facts over and over again.
stegzy – I’m sorry I have to interrupt you there as we go live to the House of Commons where we have a motion raised by Daley Maylereadr MP for somewhere in Surrey
Cut to House of Commons
MP I suggest to this house that repetitiveness and fine detail should be banned and so should fine detail and repetitiveness. In fact I raise the motion that fine detail and repetitiveness should be made illegal as it only assists the rise in terrorism and repetitiveness. And should have an ID card too!

Anyway, I’ll shut up about it now.

If you know someone injured, missing or killed then you have my sympathy and thoughts. I don’t want to go on and on like BBC News 24. I’m going to have a news break for a couple of days I think.