The Compostual Existentialist

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Tosser of the day award

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First Posted on Livejournal in 2006.

 

**Cue Cheesy Big Band Music**
**Audience applause**
Announcer:- Ladies and Gentlemen… Live from the heart of Livejournal …. It’s the Tosser of the Day awards…..and here are your hosts….Terry Forsyth and Fern Finnegan

**Audience applause**

Enter: Host Terry Forsyth; Big chins, big toupé, big ego and Fern Finnegan; fat arse, no personality, cheesy grin.
**Audience go wild**
Terry: Thank you thank you! No please! Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight…hehe…tonight we bring you the award for the biggest…hehe…yes madam that’s bigger than your husband’s…complete tosser from the passage of today….
Fern: Yes Terry…tonight’s award goes to Professor Pepé, head of the department of Rectal Studies at Arse University.
Terry: hoo hoo Fern its a good one is it not?
Fern: Yes indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah for me old Irish charm couldn’t out do this desk monkey even if I tried. Coudit? Ah bejesus.
Fern: Indeed not Terry…So without further ado here is a transcript of the event which awards this gentleman. Lets see if you can spot the tossery that takes place.
**Run VT**


Scene Help desk
**Telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Help desk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.
stegzy – o_0
Prof Pepé – Hello yes. It is Professor Pepé, department of Rectumology I have a problem which was reported by my colleague on my behalf I am wondering if you can tell me when it is likely to be fixed it has been over 20 minutes since he called.
stegzy – o_0……erm…yes well we do have a standard 8 hour response time and the technicians are very busy at the moment so it could take anything up to 8 hours for someone to come over. Do you have a job reference number so that I can check the status of this job for you.
Prof Pepé – ah no my colleague hasn’t informed me of this “reference number” I shall find this out and call you back. Thank you.


Terry: Ok Fern me plump potato. Tell me did you spot the three points of Tossery that happened in that transcript? T’be sure?
Fern: I did indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah ha! Yes! But there’s more..


Scene Helpdesk
**telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Helpdesk
Secretary – Hello Its Professor Pepé’s secretary again. Please hold the line while I put you through again
stegzy – heh
Prof Pepé – Hello yes it’s me again. I have the number for you. It’s fl343940
stegzy – uh huh….right…I can see that your colleague actually only called this in 25 minutes ago. So it is highly unlikely that a technician would be able to call 5 minutes after he logged the call. And your problem is something that is going to require a visit.
Prof Pepé – I see. So when do you think the technician will call.
stegzy – Like I said earlier, I am unable to tell you exactly when a technician will call because they are, at this time of year especially, exceedingly busy and they do have an agreed 8 working hour turn around.
Prof Pepé – I see…so any idea when?
stegzy – Well let’s see…that could be any reasonable time, during working hours, between now and 8 hours time.
Prof Pepé – I see. Ok…thank you for you help.


Terry :hooohoo that Pepé he’s a card.
Fern: Indeed he is Terry. The three of diamonds. But lets see if the audience at home noticed the three points of tossery that were committed.

But lets go through them one by one for the audience at home

**cue Flashy lights & cheesy music**
Fern: Tossery point number one Terry, was:-

stegzy – Hello Helpdesk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.

Terry: Ah bejesus. So it is. Tossery point number one. Nobody is that important that they can not use a telephone to call a person, company or department themselves. Getting your secretary or someone else to dial a number for you unless you have no hands just shows what a tosser you are
Fern: Yes Terry and point of tossery number two:-
Terry: Point numero dos, or as they say in the old country Point number two, is If you ask someone a question listen carefully to their first answer. If you ask them the same question later on it makes you sound senile or just ignorant. Remember, nobody is that important that they don’t have to listen to what people say. Especially if you ask THEM a question
Fern: – Finally Terry, point number three.
Terry: The turd point…Just because you think you’re God sat in your leather bolster lined room, getting your secretary to dial telephone numbers for you and not listening to peoples answers after you have asked them a question, the rest of the world does not stop just because you have a problem with the geometry of your monitor. Nor are you so important that you are unable to press the buttons on the front of your monitor yourself!

**Audience go crazy**

Fern So congratulations Prof Pepé our award is on its way to you and I hope you work out the difference between your trapezoid and your pin balance. Terry?
Terry: Call me Ol’ Tel.
Fern: If you pinch my arse like that again I’ll twat you one and then I’ll set my husband onto you. He’s a TV Chef you know.

**audience go wild**

**roll credits**

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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