Chav School


Every year, in Britain, thousands of young people struggle to find things to do.


The more fortunate can often be found wandering the streets aimlessly like mindless zombies looking for a tiny piece of recognition or attention from anyone who cares to give it whereas the less fortunate, hanging around off licences threatening adults into purchasing them alcohol, wearing ill fitting clothes and occasionally sat on mopeds paid for by their unloving, uncaring, sofa bound TV addicted parents .

chavs However there are those teenagers who are not so fortunate. Those that stay at home, watch TV, do homework, use the internet, read books or meet up with friends at the local park for a chat and maybe some harmless play. It is these youths that really need your help.

We at CHAV School offer numerous educational, nutritional and rehabilitational services to empower these poor unfortunate bedroom, park and library bound youths to become less functional and less valuable members of the community. With your donation of just £1 (less than the price of a quality Saturday board sheet newspaper) we can help to provide the following:

Car Wreck/vandalism


Our ill equipped and badly supervised classrooms encourage the youth to become less focussed on their work and more focussed on craving attention. We educate and train these youngsters on our highly acclaimed courses such as:

  • Damaging Cars
  • Litter Dropping for Beginners;
  • Ch@ 5p33k Is kn0t 4 1am0rzzz wtf omg lollzzorzz;
  • Successful and Offensive Graffito;
  • Shoplifting;
  • How to Swear at Passers-by;
  • The Child Act & You – How Adults Are Unable to Do a Thing to Stop You Doing Things;

and our increasingly popular course

  • Knifing People and How to Get Away With It.

Street Skills

– We train youths in valuable Street Skills including:

  • The art of loitering at bus stops in a threatening manner;
  • The correct way of vandalising a phone boxes;
  • How to appear cool by doing things that would normally be seen as ridiculous;
  • Dropping takeaway meals so as to cause an obstruction.

As the youth progress through our courses they may even move on to advanced topics such as:

  • Urinating and Defecating without Shame,
  • 1001 Things to Do When Intoxicated


  • Giving Cheek to Teachers, Elders and Police Officers. 101

We also encourage our children to display their handy work in local bus shelters and telephone boxes.


stockphotopro_69355543VNP_no_title  Science has proven that balanced diets of fruit, nuts and vegetables, clean water, protein and carbohydrates are detrimental to a child’s development.

It is well known that growing teens require a steady intake of hydrogenated fat, sugar and alcohol.

Your CHAV School donation allows us to provide sustenance to our rescued children in the form of Kebab meat, pizza, fizzy pop and sweets.

Our highly skilled nutritionists help advise the youth on how to adapt their diet, for example Diamond White instead of apple juice, chips in curry sauce instead of banana sandwich on whole-wheat granary bread. We also encourage children under our care to consume vital behaviour adapting additives, flavourings and colourings. This then encourages successful social and physical development.



6a00d8341c793d53ef00e5503cae5a8834-640wi Many of the children that come to us are, unfortunately, well dressed, courteous and polite. Brainwashed by uncaring, antisocial parents who concentrate selfishly on their own status amongst their peers.

We at CHAV School provide correct and suitable garments for teenagers copied from leading designs and supplied to us by a bloke off the market who can do us a good deal on Burberry.

Our highly skilled youth workers encourage the teens to express themselves in mumbles and grunts rather than clear, enunciated vocabulary. At times this can be traumatic but we believe this is for the child’s own good.


Preparation for Life after 18

We educate our chavs and chavettes into becoming valueless members of society, without whom society would not be able to provide such social services as Policing.

We even help them customise their cars with flared exhausts and subwoofers. We help them find a suitable mating partner (if they haven’t done so already) so that they can propagate this important way of life.

Family and Community Work

594073694_b78341cd63 We don’t just do stuff for kids. We work closely with affected families and help provide parents with widescreen plasma TVs, educate them into being thoughtful adults that care that they don’t know where they children are and what they are doing.

We also provide courses for parents such as:-

  • Apathy: How Not To Give A Shit;
  • Your Kids are As Good As Gold Anyone That Disagrees is obviously a Paedophile;
  • Shouting Matches for Beginners;
  • Swearing at Children the Healthy Way;

and our most popular

  • Making Eastenders More Important than your Child.

We also work with communities in the following ways: by encouraging the construction and development of derelict buildings for arson attacks; removal of litter bins; Provision of bus shelters and telephone boxes for social gatherings and art displays and by reducing harmful facilities such as youth clubs, organisations and the like.

But without your donation we cannot do this most important work. We know you care and we know our schemes are valuable to society as a whole. So make your donation today. Because Britain needs more chavs.

This post originally appeared on Livejournal


I saw a sign today in college. Free Chlamydia Screening.

When I was at school chlamydia of course hadn’t been invented, AIDS was something gays and junkies died of and bonking was something other people did. Perhaps it was just me though. I remember David Griffiths regaling us with tales of his sexual conquests and Ray often boasted about his. Of course nobody believed them 100%, maybe 60%. But being at an all boys school things nookie was something other people did. Bare in mind my first proper girlfriend, Laura, (who went to the neighbouring all girls school) was a believer in the “after marriage” idiom. Something she changed her mind about in her early 20’s much to my chagrin. No, nookie only happened to other people.

Of course the older I got, the more adventurous my peers became, even Guy who had left school at 16 to pursue a career in motor mechanics seemed to be getting some. Me? Nah, sex was something that happened to other people. Since then and the older I’ve got, I’ve heard tales of teenage wild sexual abandonment from the likes of jimrock, Mrs Gnomepants, Scott, Min and other contemporaneous peers. I’ve come to accept that instead of hanging out at the church hall, singing in choirs, mixing with moody types and other outcasts I should have been down town, larging it up and getting laid.

So when I see such signs in places frequented by youth I get a slight tinge of jealousy. How come they’re getting it and I didn’t? The answer is, of course, attitudes have changed and it is expected that the youth today would be humping each other like rabbits without a care in the world [and also they’re not hanging round in church halls with suspicious asexuals]. Then see, adverts have changed, the portrayal of sex in the media in general has changed, sex sells, sex is forced into our eyes daily whether it be bra adverts on billboards or the latest episode of In the Night Garden. Well that’s how I see it anyway.

Of course since my teenage years I’ve had “adventures”. I’ve had numerous partners, fumbles in the dark and one night stands; hell at one point if it moved I’d have probably fucked it, but still that little voice at the back of my head says “yeah but you didn’t get any when you were at school” Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe at 34 I am a member of the generation where nookie was an after thought and romance and courtship a forethought. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just the product of an earlier set of ideals. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me, I don’t feel any animosity or regret over the fact I didn’t get laid until I was 21. I suppose I empathise with the youth that are similar to how I was, having the fact that they aren’t out catching all sorts of diseases from mucky girls, thrust in their faces when walking through college. It’s enough to put anyone off….

Kids today eh?