They’re all out to get me

Sometimes I can’t help feeling singled out.

Of course I know it’s nonsense but I like to think that the reason some things happen is because of a greater conspiracy. One involving the “Powers that be” be that the illuminati, the Government, MI5, Tescos, the man in the post office that looked like Elvis or whom-so-ever is in favour this week and Me. Of course, if you know me well you’ll know I really dont believe half the shit I spout but I gain great pleasure from trying to convince people that the fruits of my overactive imagination are real. Again those that know me well join in and make even more outlandish suggestions. Those that don’t look at me bewildered, confused and even concerned for my mental well being. But I assure you as I said, most of the conspiracy stuff is utter bollocks and I know it.

Anyway, today I mentioned in a comment on one of poggs‘ posts about buses how whenever I’m waiting for a bus none will show yet when Im not you cant move for the buggers. Which made me think. I’ve never really written about this side to me. Ok some people love it. Of course others hate it (probably because they think I really do believe the shite I spout) some even become hostile, which I find sad.

So. After that windfilled explanation on with the show….Here for your delight and mind to chew over, are how they are trying to undermine me….why? I haven’t a clue….possibly because Im the real heir to the throne….

IMG_0441
Comes in threes

1. When I’m waiting for a bus or train :-

  • a) millions of buses or trains that I can’t get will sail past empty yet mine will always be chockablock and infrequent.
  • b) The bus or train I want will only come every 3 years even though
  • c) The line of buses I cant get will go so far down the road from the bus stop that the bus I want cant see me and will go sailing past on its merry way.
  • d) Some old myopic biddy (who is of course a secret agent for the sinister organisation) will flag my bus down and then wave it on because she doesn’t want it (without ANY consideration for others that may be waiting for it)

2. I’ll find some food/hair product I really like. Then mysteriously (like almost over night) it will disappear from the shop shelves. An example of this is Heinz Pepperoni Pizza. Yumtastic. Now you cant find them for love nor money.

3. I’ll find a restaurant that does really good quality food with really excellent service. When I take others to impress them the service is shite, the food substandard or its closed or changed management.

4. When in a rush I’ll always end up behind Mr “Slow and considerate” and in front of Mr “Im in a rush get a move on you twat”

5. Some fucker will go into my bag and discharge the battery on my MP3 Player the day I need to listen to it. The same fucker will do the same to my mobile phone when I’ve not got my charger.

6. Whenever I’m waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the “sinister” organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.

Phone box Post box
People phone me

7. If I get excited over a particular TV listing, like so excited I cant wait and am bubbling with anticipation like a bottle of Grand Prix Mumm

  • Some fucker will call on the phone when its on
  • Some fucker will call round when its on
  • Some famous fucker will die and it will be rescheduled (or delayed thus fucking up any video settings)
  • Some fucker will do something tasteless and the program/film will be indefinitely postponed on the grounds of taste

8. If I get into a TV serial:-

  • Be assured that someone will distract me and drag me away during a crucial moment
  • I will forget (due to the mind rays that they beam at me) and miss key episodes
  • It will be rescheduled to a time
    • – when I cant be bothered to stay up
    • – thats abhorrent to God
    • – when I’m at work
    • – when I’m otherwise occupied

9. When I really fancy a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes or something milk involved, sinister agents raid my fridge or turn any milk in it sour.

10. The expensive electrical gadget I covet for months turns out to be a turkey when I finally get the thing. Either that or I’ll buy it and a week later it’ll be like 50p for 3.

There are more….but they’ve turned the brain rays onto me again and I can’t remember what they are….

This post originally appeared in May 2005 on Livejournal. It has been reposted here for new audiences. When they arrive. One day….perhaps….

Eyes Sea Yew Ewe Seize Mi

I’m told by the media and by “those who know better” that we live in a surveillance society in the UK. There are eyes everywhere. Cameras hidden, cameras in plain view. Some owned by councils, others by private companies and individuals. But in all, there are eyes everywhere.

My brother used to tell me he had hidden cameras at my school and could see if I got into mischief.  This was 1977 though and more than likely a pile of fibs as tall as a giant beanstalk. However, as I was young and daft, I believed him and behaved. Mostly.

Anyway, these days CCTV cameras are everywhere. Beady unseen all seeing eyes bore into your very soul from a distance away in an unknown room in an unknown location.

But…who is watching you. Who is watching the watcher watching you? Who is watching the watcher watching the watcher watching you? Who knows? Do you? I don’t. How can you be so sure it is not I that uses my eye to watch you. You can’t. I’m not. But you can’t be sure. Can you?

This is why I propose a day. I’m not entirely sure what day….lets say a day in the future…This time next year. When, if enough people can be bothered (and I know a lot of people really can’t be arsed to do anything these days), at a proposed time, say midday, everyone whips out their camera phones, camcorders and web cam enabled devices and films the people around them.

The resulting footage could then be uploaded onto the internet and would hopefully show people watching other people watching other people. Bringing to people’s attention that they don’t know who is watching.  Oooh the irony! It’s enough to make me want to put on my easy iron shirt and go to Ironbridge in an iron bath.

Gordon Burns

I never learn really. I think I’m a good judge of character then “bam!” someone does something out of their assumed character which surprises me. Sometimes it’s nothing major and often it doesn’t really bother me but nestles in the back of my mind like a bad memory that rots its way into other memories.

I like to share my cultural experience. You may have noticed this if you have known me for sometime. Often I can be quite forceful and insistent with it; for example engineering situations where I can play examples of what ever bit of Scandinavian Rock I’ve discovered or deliberately twisting the conversation round to a particular film which I feel is relevant. I know my music tastes are not the same as everybody elses and I’m more than aware that not everybody likes my type of movie. Indeed other times I’m not as forceful and I’ll detect some mutual appreciation and, if I know and trust the person well, I will part with a relevant book, film or album which I feel would illustrate the conversation or enlighten the beneficiary.

I suppose in a pompus way I’m saying I’m not adverse to lending people my stuff.

However

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