The Compostual Existentialist

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Virtual Tour of Virtually England

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Hello

First welcome aboard this Stegzair Shorts 360 to England.


We will be shortly landing in England International Airport where upon we will board this bus

First let’s look at where England is geographically


As we can see England is the centre of the known universe; everywhere else is insignificant and populated by savages, ne’er do wells and monsters. On closer inspection England looks like this


To the West England is bordered by Wales and the Office Dyke. The Office Dyke keeps the Welsh from entering the country and stealing our sheep as they have plenty of their own. Created in 972 by King Office, the dyke stands 500 feet high and is virtually impenetrable. Only the English are allowed to pass behind its fortifications and then only when they have promised to keep the Welsh in line by buying their houses and turning them into holiday homes. The Welsh don’t mind this and scrape a humble existence from the sales of Bara Brith which is a kind of bread soaked in tea.


The Welsh

The Welsh have their own leader called Aled Jones.

He is their King and can often be seen on English Television broadcasting his propaganda. He is however also accompanied by his Queen, Queen Ruth of Madoc. Who is by all account a nasty piece of work.


Wales mostly exports wool and, until recently, Tom Jones. Though the Tom Jones factory in Swansea was closed and sadly there is only one Tom Jones still functioning.

The welsh have their own language which is based mainly on clicks and whistles and it does help if tourists to the region learn a small bit of Welsh to commune with the inhabitants. Some examples of welsh are as follows

Yawermam fokzg oats – Please can you tell me how to get to the station
Eybum dyasista – Three kilos of apples please
Kiz meye az – Thank you
Bryn Tedfylis ashe psha keran soare eweya wel shtwat – I only speak a bit of Welsh

The Scootish

To the north we have Scootland. Again, these savages are separated by a wall built in Roman times by some Italian bloke called Haydrain. The workmanship is so outstanding that this 900ft high structure still stands today and helps protect the English from the rampaging hordes of Partick Thistle. Though frequent boarder attacks have been recorded on portable video cameras and video capable cell phones.

Demographically Scootland exports mainly MPs and wild haggis. Haggis, of which you may not be aware, are small furry aborial nocturnal creatures that eat oats. Because the staple diet of Scootish people is porridge these often cute looking creatures are heartlessly culled, skinned for their tartan coloured pelts and served with potatos and swede all across Scootland. In fact other than porridge that is all they eat. Scootland has a typically ancient culture and was founded in 1910 by Rab C Nesbit who still reigns today as their long standing head of state.


Rab C Nesbit

In Scootland it is customary to greet strangers by asking for a Glasweigian Kiss. One must not administer a Glasweigian Kiss unless one is a thoroughbred Scootish person.

Scootish is similar to English only with some slight inflections on words. Some useful phrases include:-
Hootsmon – Thank you
Sassanach– delightful person
Ya weebastad – Please

It is also traditional to shout “En ee won fan cee a fiy te” and “Ray N’ger sare abun cha poufs” when drinking in pubs in Scootland

England

The capital of England is Liverpool (which you can tour here). The cunning use of misinformation, used to prevent terrorist attack on the capital, by fooling the rest of the world into thinking that England’s capital is actually London, has proven a great success and short of a rampage by some Irish folk has remained relatively unscathed. However the Germans knew of this deception and that is why, during the Second World War, Liverpool got bombed. But its ok now and if you go on the tour you will see some of the marvellous architecture that the capital is proud of.

Anyway, let us take a look at England’s demographics. England is the worlds biggest exporter of everything. Any data to the contrary is utter bollocks and deliberate misinformation created to protect us from terrorists (which England also exports). The accepted currency is the pound which in monetary form resembles a slab of lard however tourists are advised to pay by goat. Goat is accepted at most points of sale across the country and change from a goat is often given in the form of bodily contact. The harder the contact the more change. Of course it is frowned upon that tourists should pay for goods by hard bodily contact unless of course one is paying for service from the English prostitutes.


A typical English Prostitute

English prostitutes are renowned for their tea and hair ruffling skills. They also tend to be skilled knitters and like nothing more than to discuss blood pressure and fisting (at which they are also skilled). It is customary to approach a prostitute and ask “How was the queue at the postoffice?” which is code for “Fancy a quicky?”.

Historically England is rich in culture and has figured in many key points in history. Founded in 4000BC by Moses, England was but a tiny rock in the North Sea however over the years it has expanded its surface area by using milk crates and land fill. Indeed at one point in its history, England filled the entire globe. However because of our malevolent and benefactory prowess we donated land to some of the impoverished and these places became known as “The Former Colonies”

A closer look at the environs of England reveals its wide and varied mix of flora and fauna. In the south east, the region known as Kent and Sussex is thick with dense rain forest. In this forest live vicious creatures such as the manticore and the griffin. One should take care when in this region as it is easy to get lost and end up in an area known as France. France is populated by radio controlled garlic monsters. Continuing clockwise one can see the Isle of White. So named because it was once owned by Betty White. Once a popular holiday resort it is now a Prison Theme park and guests even get their own prison uniform on admission. Of course its popularity out strips availability and so it is quite hard to gain access.

Further round the coast is the swamps of Cornwall. The Cornish have their own language and religion and believe themselves to be masters of the pasty. The pasty is revered by the Cornish if offered a pasty by the Cornish it is customary to knee them in the groin and shout “No eye donut wan two haf secks wi ewe”. The Cornish provide a great deal of the tin and uranium that England uses to produce its world famous quality auto mobiles.

Slightly north, near Salisbury Plain, we can see the remains of what was once the biblical Tower of Babel referred to locally as Stonehenge. The people there love it when visitors from the former colonies claim that “My ancestor helped build this”. This is also true of any old part of the British Isles for example when visiting a castle built in 1074 it is customary say “Gee my great granddaddy lived here” and also only be interested in things when the guide mentions that they are no more than 200 years old.

Continuing on our tour we head north towards what is known as “The Pennines” which every school child knows is home to the Kraken and Mount Everest where double glazing (and its discoverer, Ted Moult) comes from. The Pennines are a vast mountain range stretching from the picturesque town of Derby (where all the women are referred to as Joan) right up to the far north and Hay Drains Wall. The Pennines also range into the Yorkshire dales where much coal is still produced although mostly in secret. On the sunny slopes of the Pennines are vast plantations of tea, the tips of which are picked by large breasted maidens, packaged and sold.


Yorkshire is also famous for its pudding, its cotton mills and its brass bands. Much of Yorkshire is out of bounds for tourists, especially the cities of York and Ripon, trespassers there will be shot or captured and sold as workers in the Yorkshire Coal Mines. However Scarborough, to the east, is an acceptable place to visit. Scarborough is famous for its fayre and also its parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme which are sold openly on the streets and in bars however it is customary to ask for “Hash” when attempting to buy this. The best “Hash” is sold by scallies who wear distinctive uniforms. But visitors to England often confuse policemen with their counterparts, scallys.


;
A policeman (left) and a scally (right)

The easiest way to remember the difference is one wears a distinctive hat and the other may sometimes wear a cap.

Coming back round on ourselves and heading back south we come to the deserts of Essex and the mountainous region known as Norfolk. Essex is where the policemen tend to do their training.

Bred from good stock, policemen roam the deserts of Essex clad in their distinctive outfits and have the generic name Darren (the female of the species are often called Sharon though some have been known as Karen, Tray, Chantelle, Jade and Mayella). Toward their late teens the policemen find their place in society by customising vehicles with gaudy tailpipes, under body glow strips, spoilers and go faster stripes. The more gaudy the more important the policeman is. These policemen then roam the streets and motorways sharing their music with everyone and spitting. Should one see one of these cars it is customary to wave with the appropriate hand gesture. This is achieved by making a fist opening the fist slightly so that there is an “O” made by the thumb and first finger. The thumb should be at the top of the fist and the gesture is completed by moving the fist slowly up and down.

So there we have it. Our complete tour of England. The more observant amongst you may have noticed that our tour doesn’t include London. This is because, as out lined before, London is but a fictitious place and in reality is a theme park.

Well we certainly hope you have enjoyed our tour and we look forward to seeing you on another of our tours soon.

Addendum

Have a safe flight

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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