The Compostual Existentialist

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Incredulity

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“Theres a couple of houses in South Heindely for £80,000” the wife said out of the blue on the way into work this morning.
“Oh right thats nice. We can’t really afford a second house at the moment”, I replied
“Well I’ve been thinking we could buy one, sell ours and live mortgage free. That way we can go to university.”

I didn’t pick up on the we until I replayed the conversation in my head some time later. But at the time it seemed a conversation was brewing. I hate the way she does this. Brings up items for discussion while I’m driving and concentrating on other things or I’m trying to get to sleep.

“Why what’s wrong with our current house. We’ve only just moved in and now you want to sell up? I like where we live, I envisaged at least another 5 years there”
“Yes but it would help if we didn’t have to pay £500 a month mortgage”

Indeed it would, but if I’m working every hour I can for the next 2 years and she’s working her usual hours….ohhh right..I get it…This is one of those “I want to stop work/cut down my hours” conversations that only seem to arise when I’m making headway towards going to university or doing something else of life changing status.

“Well I don’t want to move house again. Not just now”, I said
“Yes but we might have to if we want to go to university”

There it was again. “We”, I have really only just picked up on this as I relay it to you. Does she mean she wants to go to Uni again? For the fourth time? I then suffered a tirade and barrage about how I’d make any excuse not to go to university.

“Well if necessary I’d go to a loan shark at 50% interest than move house again. I can’t be dealing with the stress of moving house again”
“I can’t believe you said that. I can’t believe you’d even consider letting someone else rip you off.”
Somehow, I forget how, the conversation turned to how having a family might also be a hindrance.
“Well if necessary I’ll have a vasectomy” I said jokingly
“Just let me out here” she said taking my last comment as a serious one.

I didn’t. I needed to make my position on the subject known before I had no choice but to drop her off (as in I’d got to her work).

“All I’m saying is I want to avoid any risks that will stop me from going to university. If that means holding off from having a family for 2 years then thats what it means. If it means us getting into debt..”
“Lots of people go to university and have babies”
“Lots of people go to university and get up to their arse in debt”

I then had to drop her off. I couldn’t even finish what I wanted to say because the stupid woman driver in the car behind me was so far up my arse she didn’t give herself ample time to manoeuvre round me as I pulled over.

These concerns might seem familiar. Indeed, I posted about them last week and stupidly left myself logged in to my PC at a time when the wife decided to read my journal entries. Naturally, when she had read what I had written about the situation last time, she was slightly upset. However, I managed to quell potential riots by explaining that because I have nobody to actually talk to or bitch about things that go on (which lets face it, everyone does to some extent), I have to use my LJ as a surrogate beer swilling friend at the pub. Besides which, I said, I was sure she’d said worse and bitchier things about me to her friends when she goes out with them.

So whether she was having a sly stab at last weeks post or whether my prophecies about failure to complete a course in University are to come true I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll look back on this entry in 4 years time and think “My goodness how irrational of me!”. But I am determined to do this. I really do not want to let anything interrupt, meddle or destroy chances of my doing the course. If that means I have to sacrifice a family then so be it. If that means I have to get up to my eyes in debt then so be it. That is how determined I am. I really thought she would understand that. But it seems I’m being unrealistic in her eyes. I should be prepared to have children and move house and if they mean I don’t do my course then thats me finding an excuse not to do the course.

A lovely start to the day. Makes me want to be here (in work) even less.

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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