New you


Worn out? Tired? Miserable?

Don’t worry! Help is at hand from the stegzy Gnomepants S plan life changer!

Clinically proven to help reduce stress and strains of everyday life, the S plan life changer is a simple 5 step plan which you can follow no matter what your social economic background, race, creed or gender. Within 3 weeks of starting the S Plan you will notice a distinct difference. You will become more popular and your everyday woes and worries will seem like things of the past.

The course can be followed at home or residentially and takes place over a period of 4 weeks. Yes for the cheap sum of £250 the Gnomepants Institute will send you our comprehensive course material to help you through the duration of your course. If you wish to take the residential path all you will require is £300 and you can stay in the comfortable surroundings of the Gnomepants Institute where trained staff will help you get the most from the S Plan.

The S Plan

By following the strict 5 Step code you can reach a state of enlightenment which has been enjoyed by many successful and influential people throughout history. The secret to which has been lost to the general population but kept safe by a handful of knowledgeable brethren. Doctor stegzy Gnomepants is one such person and he will share this secret with you.

The secret 5 step code revolves around the following stages

slob-on-couchS – Sitting down. All great people sit and the longer they sit the more powerful and knowledgeable. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a chair behind the counter of Mcdonalds? But it is not just a matter of placing ones posterior on a chair and hoping that knowledge and power will just fall into you lap. Far from it. The stegzy Gnomepants S Plan Life Changer will demonstrate the various poses required to achieve the optimum sitting position thus channelling status, wealth and power to the sitter. This can be done in the safety of ones own living room, at work or even on public transport. Dr Gnomepants will show you how. Plus, opt for the special residential course and not only will sitting methods be explained to you but you will learn first hand the various skills and forward planning required to make your sitting an optimum experience.

LethargyL – Lethargy Ever wondered why and how successful people get others to do things for them? Thats easy. The ancient Greeks discovered this mystical art from the people of Lethargos. The Gnomepants Institute will train you in the craft, theory and method behind the ancient art of lethargy. If you can be bothered. If you can’t you’re almost half way there.

O – Olkahol Perubus of Thessalonia is attributed to the discovery of Olkahol and its theraputic properties. Olkahol is a transmutation of the more commonly available alcohol. Olkahol is created by transmuting imbibed alcohol through thought, meditation and mental stimuli. Care must be taken that only a prescribed quantity is created or the whole process will fail and the wrong results will be achieved. The Gnomepants Institute will educate you in the art of transmuting alcohol to olkahol. The residential course will take you one step further and demonstrate the varying degrees of Olkahollic mastery.

TabsT – Tabs General medical opinion is that tobacco is bad for you. Well of course they’d say that because impending tobacco crop failures and shortages will limit the amount available on the market. In fact tobacco is an enlightening substance that allows the brain to function at a higher level. History has proven that without tobacco the world may not have known the works of Shakespear, the creativity of Mozart or the genius of Jim Ellis. However it is universally known that it is not what you smoke but how you smoke that makes the difference. We at the Gnomepants institute will explain the correct smoking method and demonstrate the associated benefits to having a tobacco rich diet. The residential course takes one step further again in your attunement to tobacco use and show you the best places and times to smoke.

H – Health The Gnomepants Institute S Plan Life changer shows how to utilise your health to your own benefit and how current medical thinking about exercise is wrong. Instead the Gnomepants institute will show how through following the four previous steps you can achieve better health with simple activities for your own personal gratification and benefit.

The Gnomepants Institute is waiting for your application now.

Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists where I am more than qualified enough to talk confidently about absolute shite and bollocks.

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