Lethargy

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Letter to the BBC

Dear BBC,

I notice that you are increasing the regularity of the appearance of people who seem to be experts on everything and have opinions on everything which, for some reason, you think reflects society at large.

I would like to offer my services as a gobshite. I too have strong opinions on everything from David Cameron’s underwear to the cost of prawns in the Middle East during the Byzantium Empire. I am an expert on everything and nothing. I have several years experience of spouting utter crap to backup people’s clandestine agendas and I am happy to cast aspersions and morals to the wind without forethought for the wider consequences.

Hope this will cover everything. 

Lots of Love

Gnomepants

From the Archives:- Saying Goodbye

Goodbye, I’m told, is the hardest word to say. Certainly, in recent times at least, I’ve had difficulty saying goodbye. Not because of some hideous speech impediment or because I’ve had a mouth full of pizza, but because emotionally it has proven difficult. That said, I’ve also said goodbye with as much ease as taking my socks off.

bye

 

Every morning, with the last slurp of tea still fresh on my lips, I bid the girlfriend farewell with a peck and a dash for the door. Sometimes it’s a “See you later”, others a “bye” or a “ta-rah”. Maybe I will see her later, maybe I won’t. I might fall down a forgotten mine shaft (Now what ever happened to that mine shaft I used to have?) and never be seen again or maybe it’ll be her. I can never be sure so I suppose, out of habit, manners and education, I bid adieu in case I’m never seen again. A kind of closing statement. A full stop (or period if you’re over the other side of the planet (Do you know? When Merricans say period I immediately think of women menstruating….yeah it isn’t nice).

An end.

Other people don’t tend to be so lucky, the bus driver, the shop keeper, that weird bloke with the funny smell that lives down the street, they all tend to get smiles and grunts. Maybe peppered with a “ta” or a “nice one”. Is this because I feel these guys don’t deserve a farewell? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve been on the receiving end of a broad spectrum of endings. Especially through the variety of jobs I’ve done.

 

 

In the helpdesk for example from:-

goodbye

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on other end of phone – Thank you. Bye.
stegzy – Bye

to

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on the other end of the phone**Click** brrrrrrrrrrrr

stegzy – Twat.

or

stegzy – and that’s how you fix it
Person on the other end of the phone – well that’s bally well not good enough!
stegzy**Click** brrrrrrrrrrrr

I suppose it would be not only discomforting but unusual if, when saying goodbye, everybody took the same amount of time as is taken in the last hour of Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I mean can you imagine?

stegzy – Goodbye
Bus Driver – **hugging stegzy** Goodbye old chum, what happy adventures we have had
stegzy – But we only went 5 stops
Bus Driver – Indeed, but what an adventure. I’ll miss you
stegzy – I’m only going to the off licence to get some cigarettes I’ll be getting this bus home.
Passenger A – **hugging Bus Driver and stegzy** Ha! What a wag. Goodbye old friend. May you meet fortune face on
stegzy – Jeez you’re a bunch of weirdos
Passenger C – Ha! Farewell fellow travellers!
Passenger D – Get a bloody move on, I’ve got to be places!

Be seeing you!

 

Sometimes it needs to be quick, more like

stegzy – See ya **gone**
Person A – See y…oh you’ve gone.

 

 

Personally, when I’m going somewhere I’d rather it be a small goodbye than some re-enactment of the Waltons. I mean, I’m going, I need to be somewhere, hurry up! Let me go! Mrs Gnomepants, on the other hand will spend ages saying goodbye, sometimes saying goodbye, only to start another 1 hour conversation and then have to say goodbye once again. It’s not unusual, as Tom Jones said, for Mrs Gnomepants to take 5 minutes saying goodbye on a telephone conversation to her sister. Surely all that is needed is “Bye” followed by a reciprocated acknowledgement of the end of the conversation.

 

Goodbyes though eh?….we’re a peculiar bunch aren’t we?


This entry first appeared on Livejournal in September 2008 and has been edited to reflect changes in circumstance

Happy We Don’t Want the Damn Country Anyway Day

Every year Britons the world over celebrate a special day today. “We Don’t Want The Damn Country Anyway” Day. It all started in this day 1776 when a group of colonials threw their rattle out of the cot and decided they no longer wanted to be part of the Glorious and Holy British Empire. It was a culmination of tantrums including throwing cargos of tea into the sea, knocking on doors and running away & getting pizza delivered at 3am in the morning to addresses of people that didn’t want pizza.

King George, in all his mighty, majestic and holy wisdom, decided enough was enough and conceded that the Great and Glorious Holy British Empire did not need mudlarks and such juvenile behaviour within its realm. British ecologists, environmentalists and economists agreed that losing these colonies would not be detrimental to the Empire and if we bided our time and played it cool we could reclaim what was lost at some future date. Also a great deal of the land had a problem with heathen cannibalistic natives, really hot deserts, nasty looking bears and a family which the King did not get on with, the Bushes (King George was upset by Albert Wilberforce Bush using his favourite wash basin as a urinal at a party that George had held in Hampton Court). Thus it was agreed that to prevent spiralling cost and unnecessary disruption of cricket the colonies would be handed over to the people living there.

And so it came to pass that the Great and Glorious British Empire continued through history growing more and more powerful. Similar tactics were employed when other colonies threatened to do the same. We would appear to give the country and land to the people who claimed they wanted “independence” from the Great and Glorious British Empire and really the reason why we relinquished control was because we didn’t want the country anyway. It smelt funny or it was too hot or there weren’t enough red telephone boxes.

This is all but sleight of hand. Really these colonies have remained under British rule for centuries and all are still part of the Great and Glorious British Empire, just that they don’t know it. But there will come a day when our Great and Glorious King William shall rise to the throne in majestic accord and glorious fanfare and the sinister truth will out. The sleeping armies shall awaken and the Third Glorious and Righteous Holy British Empire will rise out of the faux ashes like a mountain in the ocean and once more people the world over will be able to enjoy cricket, drinking cups of tea, moaning about the weather and queuing in an orderly fashion.

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This post first appeared on Livejournal in 2007

Dance pants

I’ve had an idea for a new TV show. Looking at current and past trends in British TV shows I think any programme commissioning bod reading this would be foolish not to create the following television programme. It would be a definite success.

The Dancing DIY Property Developing Fashion Disasters On Ice Factor

I think that covers all the things that seem to be popular at the moment.

It could be presented by Brian Cox (since his return from the US he seems to be on everything these days), Ant and Dec (modern day Cannon and Ball), Cat Deeley (modern day Cilla Black) and Graham Norton (a Terry Wogan/Larry Grayson fusion). With extra bits by Davina McCall and some entertainment (in the form of song and shouting) by John Barrowman.

It’s a sure fire rating success. 

Hot off the press

Call to restrict Scouse scenes

An anti-scouse group in Manchester is calling for all movies and television shows with scousers in scenes to be given an 18 certificate or banned.
ScouseFree Liverpool told BBC’s Radio 5 Live it wanted to see the change and the government said the idea was “rather well thought out”.

The push – backed by Manchester city council – comes amid research showing young people pick up bad habits from watching films containing Scousers.

One city official said Manchester may even act alone to restrict film access.

Colin Scarborough, the city’s head of public protection and chair of ScouseFree Liverpool, said an adult rating on movies that depict scousers will reduce the number of young people signing on.

“The international evidence…is that one in two children between 11 and 18 who witness scousers in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – signing on themselves,” Mr Scarborough said of recent research.

Liverpool already carries the unenviable title of Scouse capital of England, with some of the highest scouser rates in the UK.

Mr Scarborough said Manchester wants the British Board of Film Classification to act.

But a spokeswoman for the film board said scenes with Scousers in are already taken into consideration when a film is rated and a blanket 18 certificate for all scouse scenes is “a really good idea”.
“I know of one child that went on to steal wheel trims and car radios, another entered into a life of crime after watching an episode of Brookside” the spokeswoman said, adding an extensive public consultation has already examined the issue to come up with existing guidelines.

For example, if a character popular with children such as Harry Potter was somehow from Liverpool or seen talking to Scousers, the film would be rated accordingly, she said.

“We would take that very seriously,” she added.

Dr Stacey Anderson, of the UK Centre for Scouser Control Studies, said the evidence of Scouser’s influence on young people is very clear.

“The more scousers a child views in films and television, the more likely they are to take up signing on or shifty behaviour,” she said of the scientific evidence gathered in the United States and elsewhere.

Dr Anderson said characters do not even have to be scouse for there to be an adverse influence, just the sight of the Liver Buildings or St Johns Tower has an effect on youth attitude.

She said if part of the role of the film board is to protect young people from potential harm, then being scouse should be included in those considerations.

Mr Scarborough said if the BBFC is not prepared to adopt an 18 certificate then the city of Manchester will consider using licensing laws to bring in its own stricter ratings for films screened locally.

Extract

Extract from the journal of Gnomepants –

“Liverpool, July 2006. Too hot to type. Too muggy for brain to function correctly. Have been holed up in this office for some hours now. Glorious sunshine rages outside. The men are praying for their souls. The heat is too much for some and one or two have fallen foul of the intolerable and unbearable heat. Oates has just left the office stating “I am just going outside and may be some time”. We tried with every ounce of our remaining strength to convince him to stay but he went out into that hellish heat. I fear for his life. Some of the younger men are starting to strip off, the heat causing madness within their already heat exhausted mind. We shall stick it out to the end, but we are getting weaker of course and the end cannot be far. It seems a pity but I do not think I can write more. For God’s sake, look after our people.”