Vintage Vehicles Thing – Ackworth May 2007

Probably the most disappointing thing about the whole thing was that we didn’t just say “No thanks” and carry on driving. In the small print of all the posters in the local shop window and the signs on the roads there was little mention of the £4 adult entry fee. So imagine my surprise on driving through the “Free Parking” gate only to be greeted by a man in combat fatigues grinning like someone about to fleece £8 off unsuspecting tourists.

Bloke – Eeh tha’ll be eight pa’and
Mrs Gnomepants – £8! We dont have enough! Sorry, can we just get out at the bottom? The sign up there said free parking we were just passing through.
Bloke – Oh well…er…well how much have you got spying the £5 note I am brandishing
stegzy – Erm £5…..
Bloke – That’ll do…

I suppose it was a lot less painful than walking through Fitzwilliam wiggling a £5 note in the air and saying “Mug me!”.

Anyway, what i thought would be an interesting collection of steam engines, memorabilia and old tractors turned out to be little more than a showcase of “vintage” cars (There was a Ford Capri there and a Mark 2 Ford Fiesta, they’re no more vintage than my piss). Still it was nice to see some old familiar vehicles in very well kept condition.



Old Capri from a distance



Some of the vehicles were peculiar



others straight out of the 1950’s



Trucks with trucks



Straight out of time



Some in red

Other glorious sites included several marquees of overall suited gentlemen selling what can only be described as the contents of granddad’s shed. Rusty, old motor related things. Like Haynes manuals for Renault 5s, rusty suspension springs, bell pushers from old Atlantean Buses, pipes and things, tat, crap, Junk. No. Really….The wife’s magpie genes nearly caused us to be the proud owner of a couple of new doorbells and a door knocker until the impracticalities of having a bell push from a bus fitted to the back door (yes, we receive our guests at the BACK DOOR, want to make something of it?) and the absurdity in having house fly shaped brass ash tray as a door knocker were realised and had to be placated by a pair of gardening kneel pads for a £1.



Of course this guy was the one of the few that happened to be selling anything remotely useful. Burgers make good wheel chucks apparently.

There were other highlights. Such as when it rained and the view over to Hemsworth, South Kirkby and Brierley Gap and a couple of steam driven thingies.



This is a steam driven musical pipe thingie.

This is what it sounds like in the wind.



There was also a steam driven clang maker. A thing that goes clang which is powered by steam. It went something like this:-

Next to the clangy thing was another steam driven thing. This didn’t go clang. I’m sure going clang might not seem important to some people. But it is. If your machine don’t clang it ain’t worth showing.


To top the whole day off, this steam powered thing feebly spooged water out of a pipe every 30 seconds. I’m sure it had a function once. What ever that function was I have no idea. What I do know is, however, paying £5 to see all that crap instead of the £8 that I should have paid was still a down right con. Bloody farmers.

The exhibition was called the Scammel Exhibition. Scam-me-l. I should have guessed from the name.

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I hate it when

– People “beat around the bush” rather than ask a question direct
– People dont read simple instructions
– The radio plays an advert for that bloody frog ring tone
– I’ve drunk my tea and I find out that there is biscuits
– People dont listen to what I say after they have asked me to explain something
– The last person to use the toilet leaves the last 2 or three sheets on the roll without replacing it
– My usenet connection times out
– People with better qualifications think that they are more important than anyone else
– People with loads of money sue others for insignificant amounts of cash
– People with too much money have too much money
– People with too much money don’t put back into society what they take out
– People whinge about something on the TV. For Godsake if you dont like it TURN IT OFF! or Better still, dont put it on in the first place.
– theres nothing left in the sweety box other than the sweeties that noone likes
– cotton wool is pulled apart or chewed – yeeeeachhhhhh noooooo just thinking about it makes me feel queezy
– people give me feeble excuses instead of just being to the point [eg, “Ooh I’d stay for a cup of tea but I’ve got some zebras in the shed that need milking” instead of “No thanks I dont want a cup of tea because you make shit tea and I’d rather eat my own snot before drinking from one of your dirty mugs”]
– contestants on a game show know the answers to really hard questions then not know the answer to something really simple like What rhymes with cat?
– Im looking forward to a really nice quiet pint and theres a fucking football (soccer) match on the Pub TV!
– my beer tastes of vinegar because the staff havent cleaned the lines properly
– my query will take the call centre representative over their allotted call handling time
– I say I’m not going to smoke and I end up having a ciggy
– I say I’m going to eat healthy and have a greasy burger
– it snows everywhere but here
– I cant find something I just put down