Today has been an eye opener.
angelhands in Glastonbury
Scott – Working or with Rachael
Jim & Becky – Gone to Ambleside
Nick? Terrorising a casino in Las Vegas
Me? Skint. No new computer games or music (I’ve had to cancel my Usenet Subs cos I need the cash). Nowhere to go. Low/Nonexistant sex drive(not that that’s a keystone for the way im feeling but I’ll add that for my reference anyway). Nothing on TV. DVD player acting like a twat. Cats being über-boring. Plenty of time to mope about thinking about where my life’s gone wrong, what I’d rather be doing and the accompanying futile self arguments. Slowly getting even more miserable. Having to talk to people on the phone that I’ve got absolutely nothing to say to…..ad nausem
I mean even if Scott, Jim or Becky were about….I’d have fuck all to talk about. Fuck all happens…I’m in the wake/work/sleep cycle 5 days a week then either being too knackered to do anything in the evenings or complete lack of enthusiasm from my peers results in long periods of fuck all. In fact, if they gave awards for fuck all at the Olympics – I’d fucking win gold .
Today, my apathy has really set like quick drying concrete. I struggled to watch the Sapphire & Steel DVD’s I got from screenselect. I went to the supermarket but the crowds just pissed me off and when I got home my hunger passed (so I forced myself to eat my dinner at 9pm). Earlier in the day I even had an abortive attempt at mowing the lawn. But again I couldnt be arsed.
Retiring to my study, my computer provided even less solace. I’ve played my games to death now, MSN was either dead or people were just pretending to be off line, besides I really didnt have anything to say…..Read LJ for a bit…tried to comment on a few posts but then the selfloathing voice at the back of my head said “Why bother you dont have anything constructive to add”….which just made me feel worse.
So I fucked off back down stairs put Stealing Beauty on but the muggy heat, high sexual atmosphere and Liv Tyler made me feel uncomfortable. Not having the slightest desire (or energy) to even have a wank, get shit faced on the beer in the fridge or do anything other than sit with someone talk shit all night over beers without boring them to death; I came back up to the study and started writing this entry. In true typical LJ form I’ve got loads of new friends posts to read through…..
I’m starting to see my life as some kind of morbid mobiüs strip. Tomorrow I’ll be just as bad….think I’ll just stay in bed….