Poop

I’ve done polls on this very subject.

This morning I was making my daily ablutions and that creeping feeling, which normally occurs an hour after adjourning from bed, held me by the hand and sat me on the porcelain chair. Eager to get on with the day’s tasks I hurriedly made the necessary bodily function and reached for the toilet roll. To my absolute horror there was none. Just the little cardboard inner tube with a 1 ply sheet wafting mockingly at me.

I glanced round. No fresh virgin toilet roll could be seen. Plenty of paint pots, brushes, sponges, shampoos and exfoliants, but no bog roll. That feeling of dread started to grip me as I began to realise that there was a severe toilet paper drought in the new bathroom. Luckily I was on the toilet and I had already done what I needed to do. I just needed to wipe (Yes I know I said this was nice lunch time reading but bear with me). Trying not to make a bigger mess than necessary I rose, trousers around my ankles and hobbled carefully to the bathroom cabinet.
The bathroom cabinet is facing the wrong way at the moment. This is because the bathroom is in a state of decorating flux and there are other anomalies like a dining chair and a heap of newspapers and dust sheets to navigate before one gets to the cabinet. The difficulty is heightened by the fact that the cabinet, as I alluded to earlier, is facing the wrong way. Normally access to the cabinet would take a brief yank of the door and egress could be made. Alas no. With the cabinet in it’s current position one has to lean over the dining chair and pots of paint, risk ruining a perfectly good black shirt with white paint and gamble that the splats of paint on the floor are actually dried. I opened the cabinet to find no toilet rolls.

Now, through the miracle of memory and Livejournal let me take you back but three quarters of an hour earlier.

***wibble wibble wibble***
8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok, do you see what happened there? Shall I run it past you again? Did you miss it??

***wibble wibble wibble***

8:10am

Mrs Gnomepants – I’m just going to the toilet (for a shit) then I’m off to work.
stegzy – OK dear.

8:15am

Mrs Gnomepants – Bye!
stegzy – Bye!

***wibble wibble wibble***

Ok now do you see? **nods sagely**

So I was trapped. In the bathroom. Trousers round my ankles. Marmitized. The nearest loo roll I knew of was down stairs, past some very open and public windows and in the pantry. I’m sure the police will be calling shortly with charges of indecent exposure.
So in retaliation I intend to leave the toilet roll, the empty one, exactly where it is. I have hidden the new toilet roll. This is what will happen tonight upon arrival home from work.

Mrs Gnomepants – Hello dear, I’m just nipping for a poo
stegzy – Very good. Exit stage left, goes for a long walk.

See how she likes it.

Dog’s dinner.

Caught the bus into Uni this morning with the intent of having a few pints after classes this afternoon. When you catch the peasant wagon not only are you crammed into a oblong metal box with the great unwashed, but you get to hear the various conversations that go on around. They’re like social snap shots at times.

This morning I was torn between two gents discussing their various civil penalties (magistrate court fines, community service etc) and a group of girls bitching about some Cassanova who has been putting it about unbeknownst to his current squeeze.

However, as usual the best conversation is always left until last.

**phone rings**
Girl One Hiya…….yeah….no I’ll be there in two minutes. Am just on the bus….ok see you in a bit **hangs up phone** Fucking two faced bitch
Girl Two No. That was two faced.
Girl Three LOLZ0RZZZ

Weekend

stegzy – I’ve downloaded Lost we can watch it tonight
Mrs Gnomepants – Oh good.

>Five minutes later<

Mrs Gnomepants – Did you download Lost?
stegzy – Yes I downloaded Lost it’s on the computer. Would you like for tea?

>Less than 2 minutes later<

Mrs Gnomepants – – Did you download Lost?
stegzy – That’s three times you’ve asked me

I hope this isn’t the onset of senility.

This weekend has been spent in the company of my olds who have been absolute lovelies. The weekend involved walking, eating, talking and sampling chutney (thanks to FJ).

ION, the second year FdA Journos are well impressed with our film.

Now. Well now I’m tired. Too much to do, not enough vim to encourage me to do it.

Weather

In the UK, generally, if it gets a bit blowy, more than 2 inches of snow or a slightly larger than usual puddle forms on the road outside the town hall, then the infrastructure of the entire country grinds to a halt and we all stand round tutting and blaming the government or indeed the council for not doing enough to prevent such a disaster. Similarly, though rare in occurrence these days, if the temperature falls below -3°C we get a bit panicky, pensioners start dying and we close a few roads here and there for safety reasons.

In reality, we in the UK are a bunch of gnesh girlies when it comes to the weather. Take the other extreme, when it gets a bit too warm we whinge on about how “Bloody hot it is” and we lock ourselves in our unairconditioned (air conditioning is a Merrican thing and a totally unBritish thing to do) offices with the windows wide open, sighing and dripping sweat all over our work.

To think once we had the largest Empire this world has ever known! Pah!

No wonder we’re so shit at cricket.

Meaningless forms

In my experience, a great deal of life, especially in the United Kingdom, is ruled by form filling. You’re born; so your parents fill in a form. You go to school; forms are filled in. You leave school and go to university, so you fill in forms. Or if you join the National College of Unemployment Economics (where you learn how to make £70 last a fortnight. I am a graduate of this college and have the cancelled UB40 to prove it) you spend most of your time filling in forms so that you can have your rent paid, council tax reduced and a tidy sum to cash at the Post Office once a fortnight.

Indeed, during my internment at the Health and Safety Executive, the paperless office ideal was only followed if various forms (B128, Y631-a & LUP2) were filled in and submitted to the correct department. Likewise, at the firm of Solicitors I worked at before the HSE, forms were abundant (Green Forms, Legal Aid forms, Costing forms, Time allocation forms). Furthermore, CSD had forms for all manner of day to day tasks such as User Agreement forms, Licencing forms, printquota forms and the like. New College is only slightly better with its pointless “New Starter” form to “assist” in the creation of an account.

These forms, once completed, usually end up getting stuffed into a drawer and never looked at again until someone comes across them 3 years later and turfs them into the bin. Quite so, the refuse collector then has to take the load to either land fill or to the recycling plant (after completing the relevant form) where again further forms are completed and sent back to some other department. The advent of computers in offices was supposed to herald the paperless office but it is obvious that someone didn’t tick the correct box as, to my mind at least, there is more paper in offices now, albeit recycled, than there was. This goes for schools and colleges too (my college and school work fit nicely into a medium sized box once used for speakers, some of the students here generate tonnes more than that in a month!).

Tom-Tom

I’ve noticed an increase in drivers using Sat-Nav devices such as Tom-Tom and I find it highly amusing.

I understand that some drivers such as taxi operatives, delivery people, sales people etc would, and probably do, find SatNav technology essential in their day to day drivings. However I have noticed people using the devices on pointless journeys such as to drop the kids off at school or to go and get their paper from the corner shop. Like are they scared of getting lost or something? They made the journey a billion times before SatNav was affordable so what’s changed?

My dentist, Clive, is a prime example. Last time I saw him the following conversation took place

Clive – You know about these technological thingies don’t you Mr Gnomepants
stegzy – uhuh
Clive – what do you think about these Tom-Tom SatNav devices? Only I’ve been thinking of getting one for the BMW
stegzy – uh uh-uh-blop-uff-n-os
Clive – Pointless? How so?
stegzy – uh-plph n-op-fl-oph ng-omm fn shp frngn fiph uh
Clive – Hmmm I see what you mean I’d never thought of it like that

But he still went and got one. I know for a fact that Clive makes the same journeys. He drives to and from his surgery and his home, he goes to the supermarket once a week and he might nip into town occasionally. Now unless he was in some weird maze experiment where the streets changed and moved on some random basis then he really has no need for a SatNav.

Of course I coveted one myself when I got my PDA but I realised I really would have no need for one except maybe when angelhands and I went on one of our whirlwind mystery tours. But had they been like £50 or free with a packet of cornflakes I would probably have got one.

Alas they are more expensive than that and like I’ve already stated I would really have no need for one.

Our kid got one for his dual fuel environment killing 4 x 4 off roader (which he never goes off road in). His reason why? It looks cool and his mate had one. Fuck that! I said, ” It just looks like you can’t read a road map, you have more money than you know what to do with and it looks like you get lost going to the end of the garden path. Besides you’ve got a wankers car and everyone thinks you’re a tosser anyway.”

But thats just our kid.

So I’m going to create and market the latest in car essential. It will be a black box with 2 LEDs. One red one green. The green light will remain on but very very rarely the red light will switch on and the green light will switch off. Just for the hell of it. And they will cost £200. Oh and if you don’t have one in your car you’ll look like a complete wazzak…..I just need to get my soldering iron out but I can’t seem to find my way to my shed….Anyone have a Satnav I can borrow?