Thanksgiving – A post (in verse as it is Poetry week)

To readers:-

My poetry is crap
Click here for a taster
A poet I’m not
I am but a waster
This week I have rhymed
In all of my posts
I’m sorry if its crap
Like marmite on toasts
But to break with tradition
And write one in prose
Would be as painful
As breaking my toes.
And so dear reader I give you
My entry this week
I hope that you like it
Be warned it may reek.

Thank you: A really crap poem by Stegzy Gnomepants

Thank you for the button
You’ve sewn on my shirt
Thank you for the mutton
That made my belly hurt
Thank you for the things
You’ve soldered for me
Thank you for the rings
That loop round my key
Thank you for the toys
I had as a kid
Thank you for the joys
Bought from the things you did
You work in a sweat shop
For most of your day
You never seem to stop
So I just want to say
Thank you for the work you do
I really am quite grateful
I know your wage is poo
And doesn’t get you a plateful
Of food or of meat
Just like I’ve eaten
A decadent treat
My conscience to sweeten
My thanks to you
Will go unbidden
Your identity too
Your work ever hidden
But thanks for your toil
It’s not gone unnoticed
In Taiwan Vietnam
Or country remotest.

Ah thank you

Rant – a post

It’s been a long while since I’ve had a rant. I’m a lot calmer these days what with not being in an awful job and the accumulative effect of the beta blockers I’ve been on for the past 5 years. I guess also I’m a bit better at bottling things up or not letting things get to me as much. So when set this weeks topic as Rants I was kind of at a loss for something to rant about. Of course, typically, once I get started I just go on and on and on about the same old shite.

Thing is, really it’s not just one thing that gets me narked these days. It’s several things. As usual, for me anyway, it’s tiny little annoyances rather than global fuck ups that get me wound up. Usually, they’re the same bloody things as well….

1. Slow people in the shop

Ok. I like a chat just as much as anyone. But seriously, if you’re queuing up and you see there is a queue of people behind you leave the air in your lungs so that you can pack and get out before someone in that queue decides to swear at you uncontrollably. I’ve been walking round the shop a lot longer than you. I’m irritated by the failed attempts of cod-psychology the shop owners seem to think I’ll fall for, I’m even more irritated by the frightful mothers that bring their equally frightful spawn of want with them so that they can demand every sodding little thing off the shelf

Child “Mummy I want that”
Mother “It’s a tub of curry powder”
Child “Yes I want it”
Mother “Well you can’t have it, it’s too expensive”
Child throwing a tantrum “I want I want!”
stegzy “A little bit less sugar in your diet?”

I’m tired. I’ve had a long day. I want to get home. I don’t want to hear about your mother’s corn operation. I doubt the girl at the check out wants to know about it either judging by the withered look on her face. Get out. Go. I need to pay for my shopping. I only have 2 bags of satsumas from poverty corner.

2. Managers that stand round doing sod all

The shop is busy. You can see the shop is busy. Your staff are busting a gut to get people out of the shop and are doing an admirable job (despite idiots like in point 1). Shouting “Where is Mandy?” doesn’t get the shop empty any quicker. Neither does dragging people off their break. Instead of flapping about the vacant checkout desk here is an idea for you….why don’t you MAN the fucking thing yourself?! Or is that too menial for someone of your stature?

3. People that don’t think

Just because I am sat behind a desk being helpful and pleasant to people it doesn’t mean that I’m there to wipe your arse. I’m there to do a wide range of tasks, check out your books, take payment for printing, even hep you with IT queries. I’m not there to do your assignment or show you where your arse is in comparison to your elbow.

4. Drunks leaving the neighbouring Village club

Getting pissed on cheap lager then throwing it all up on my step is not what going out is all about. If I sicked up on your doorstep you wouldn’t like it. Would you? So what makes you think it’s acceptable to do it on mine?

5. The unhouse trained

There really is nothing more disgusting than a big pile of poop in a toilet. Even when said poop is covered with poop covered toilet paper. It takes next to no time to flush a toilet. Do you leave that kind of mess at home? I’m sure you don’t. Moreover, if you’re the same type of person that pisses everywhere but into the toilet or urinal, maybe you should seek medical help. Because there must be something wrong with your aim. I bet you don’t like it when you have to use a piss soaked toilet. So why do you do it? I mean I’d expect to see such a sight in a primary school maybe. But in a University or in a place of work?! What’s wrong with you?

6. Women shopping

This is the correct way to shop :- Decide what you want -> Go to shop -> Pick up Item -> Pay for item (or shop lift if you deem necessary) -> Leave shop with item.

This is the incorrect way to shop :- Go into shop -> mooch about looking for something that might catch your eye -> leave shop -> go into other shop -> mooch about -> leave shop -> repeat -> Go into first shop -> pick up item -> put item back -> pick up another item -> Put that item back -> mooch about -> leave shop -> go to another shop -> eye up the sales assistant -> go back to first shop -> realise you haven’t actually left previous shop -> leave shop -> go to first shop -> pick up first item -> sigh -> pay for item -> leave shop -> go home -> realise you don’t like item -> return to first shop -> return item -> rinse -> repeat.

Don’t get me started about shoes

7. Christmas/Birthday

I could go into a long laborious rant about Christmas. But I’ve already done that. But look this year I’m not doing Christmas. I’ve given up on the Compulsory High street Retail Industry Sponsored Tradition Motivated Avarice Season this year. Yeah..bah humbug. I don’t want to see a bloody tree (though the house on the estate behind the field behind the field behind the lane with no name that backs onto the field behind the field behind the lane with no name that you can see from my back bedroom window have already got their decorations up!) . I don’t want to be force fed overpriced must haves in every shop I visit. Stuff Jona Lewis Stop The Calvary which has already assaulted my ears enough in one life time. I don’t even want Christmas presents. But….It’s my birthday the week before….so you can get me stuff for that instead 😀

8. Time

Lately time has been going a lot faster than it used to. There was a time I’d come to work and it would seem like forever before it was home time. Now I just take my coat off and its time to go again! Ok…so maybe working a 3.5 hour day is part of the reason. But that’s beside the point……

9. Long posts that nobody reads

I could go on. I could. But I doubt few even read this far. Yeah I can write. I can write and rant and go on and on about stuff you have no clue over what it is I am whittering on about. But at the back of my mind is that little voice that says “TL;DR”. Yeah, well I don’t write this stuff for your entertainment sunshine. I do it for my own amusement. Mostly. Oh ok…I do it for some recognition. But only a little bit. And if you made it this far (and followed the links too). Well done.

10. never having enough to rant about

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thanks for reading.


Hope – A post

When I was a nipper, I hoped for a shiny new bike. Times were hard in 1970’s so I ended up with a polished and touched up Raleigh Tomahawk previously owned by my brothers. Of course, as time passed and affluence increased so did my aspirations for gifts. December would come and I would sit by the fire with Argos Catalogue in hand and scour the pages chirping “I’ll have that and that and that”. Hope had dissolved into desire and want. As time progressed and the value of money became more apparent. My desires became hopes once more and I would hope for the latest electronics but never actually getting them for example a VIC20 instead of an Atari console. Not that I was ungrateful for such gifts. Still, it would have been nice to play Asteroids instead of Wacky Waiters.

Hoping mad