As you know, contrary to popular belief Britain is, in fact, a Fascist Police State. Also, as I have mentioned before, round these parts there is a mysterious organisation who’s vans seem to be everywhere. WDH, or Wakefield District Housing, seem to be the local equivalent of the Gestapo or maybe the FBI or something more sinister like Majestic 12, Brierley Town Council or the David Essex Fan Club1. They really are everywhere you go. Their little white vans and trucks sneak up on you on the road, they come out of side streets you could swear were not there before. Sometimes, you can even spot them parked outside peoples houses. I am of the belief that some of the “Housing” in these parts are actually a new grade of secret prison. Something along the lines of Guantanamo bay only worse. You know when you hear about “extraordinary rendition” or those “CIA kidnappings that don’t happen but do”or when people get abducted by aliens? Well what happens is they are kept in prisons cunningly disguised as social housing in West Yorkshire. Saddam Hussein wasn’t really executed, that was a stunt double. It is a little known fact that old Saddam is alive and well and living in Lupset. Equally as true is Osama Bin Laden being kept under “house arrest” in Eastmoor. So next time you hear of someone going missing they’re probably being kept somewhere like Kirkthorpe, Kinsley or even Hemsworth. Whereupon they are forced to wear distinctive Burberry check prison garments, eat kebab meat for breakfast and reproduce at an alarming rate in an effort to manufacture soldiers for the forthcoming Andromedan invasion2
Anyway. When I got home last night there was a parcel awaiting for me containing a note and a pen.
This is very sinister. I suspect that they are already onto me and are aware that I know of their dark and Machiavellian schemes. I can only assume that the recent disappearances of various Wakefield notables, scribes and Livejournalists are somehow linked and that I too, as a paladin for the right to write, am on the WDH Watchlist. Whatever next? Ransom notes? Barnacles? Strange green lights in the sky?
1 – it is a well known fact that the film Silver Dream Racer was in fact a mind control device used to brainwash the 1970’s era passive denim dungaree wearing youths into becoming the violent safety pin pierced yobbos of the early 80’s
2 – The Andromedan invasion fleet are due to arrive sometime after 2053 whereupon devestation will be laid out upon all Earth dwelling things. Only beauty technicians, tour guides and photographers will be able to save us from this which is why college courses in such subjects are over subscribed.