Over dinner stegzypicking up telephone in mock panic Oh shit

Mrs Gnomepants – what?

stegzydialling number hurriedly I hope she’s ok

Mrs Gnomepants – Who? what?

stegzy – Shh Somewhere in Barnsley a mobile phone rings

Rlindz – hello?

stegzy – hello? Are you ok? I was worried. It’s 7pm and you haven’t called yet. Do you need a doctor? Or the police? Has someone hurt you?

Rlindz – You’re a cheeky monkey you are

stegzy – Are you ok then? Just say no if there is someone holding you hostage.

Rlindz – Yes I’m fine

stegzy – Oh good. I’ll call off the search party.

Rlindz – Is that all?

stegzy – Yes thanks Hangs up telephone

Mrs Gnomepants – in astonished amusement I can’t believe you just did that.

stegzy – Well she might have been injured.

Hot off the press

Call to restrict Scouse scenes

An anti-scouse group in Manchester is calling for all movies and television shows with scousers in scenes to be given an 18 certificate or banned.
ScouseFree Liverpool told BBC’s Radio 5 Live it wanted to see the change and the government said the idea was “rather well thought out”.

The push – backed by Manchester city council – comes amid research showing young people pick up bad habits from watching films containing Scousers.

One city official said Manchester may even act alone to restrict film access.

Colin Scarborough, the city’s head of public protection and chair of ScouseFree Liverpool, said an adult rating on movies that depict scousers will reduce the number of young people signing on.

“The international evidence…is that one in two children between 11 and 18 who witness scousers in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – signing on themselves,” Mr Scarborough said of recent research.

Liverpool already carries the unenviable title of Scouse capital of England, with some of the highest scouser rates in the UK.

Mr Scarborough said Manchester wants the British Board of Film Classification to act.

But a spokeswoman for the film board said scenes with Scousers in are already taken into consideration when a film is rated and a blanket 18 certificate for all scouse scenes is “a really good idea”.
“I know of one child that went on to steal wheel trims and car radios, another entered into a life of crime after watching an episode of Brookside” the spokeswoman said, adding an extensive public consultation has already examined the issue to come up with existing guidelines.

For example, if a character popular with children such as Harry Potter was somehow from Liverpool or seen talking to Scousers, the film would be rated accordingly, she said.

“We would take that very seriously,” she added.

Dr Stacey Anderson, of the UK Centre for Scouser Control Studies, said the evidence of Scouser’s influence on young people is very clear.

“The more scousers a child views in films and television, the more likely they are to take up signing on or shifty behaviour,” she said of the scientific evidence gathered in the United States and elsewhere.

Dr Anderson said characters do not even have to be scouse for there to be an adverse influence, just the sight of the Liver Buildings or St Johns Tower has an effect on youth attitude.

She said if part of the role of the film board is to protect young people from potential harm, then being scouse should be included in those considerations.

Mr Scarborough said if the BBFC is not prepared to adopt an 18 certificate then the city of Manchester will consider using licensing laws to bring in its own stricter ratings for films screened locally.

Brierley Village Gossip

Imagine if you will a neighbour. An elderly neighbour of about 74. An elderly 74 year old neighbour who is widowed.

Then imagine noticing that same neighbour recieves nightly visits from a mysterious man whom she makes no mention of in idle chit chat.

Now imagine the same man arriving everytime under the cover of darkness. Rolling his car in neutral down the hill that is the private lane out the back. Rolling the car in neutral with no lights on.

Finally imagine the same man leaving very late at night. Again under the cover of darkness and again by rolling his car down the hill in neutral…..

What must the neighbours think?

Secret Police

As you know, contrary to popular belief Britain is, in fact, a Fascist Police State. Also, as I have mentioned before, round these parts there is a mysterious organisation who’s vans seem to be everywhere. WDH, or Wakefield District Housing, seem to be the local equivalent of the Gestapo or maybe the FBI or something more sinister like Majestic 12, Brierley Town Council or the David Essex Fan Club1. They really are everywhere you go. Their little white vans and trucks sneak up on you on the road, they come out of side streets you could swear were not there before. Sometimes, you can even spot them parked outside peoples houses. I am of the belief that some of the “Housing” in these parts are actually a new grade of secret prison. Something along the lines of Guantanamo bay only worse. You know when you hear about “extraordinary rendition” or those “CIA kidnappings that don’t happen but do”or when people get abducted by aliens? Well what happens is they are kept in prisons cunningly disguised as social housing in West Yorkshire. Saddam Hussein wasn’t really executed, that was a stunt double. It is a little known fact that old Saddam is alive and well and living in Lupset. Equally as true is Osama Bin Laden being kept under “house arrest” in Eastmoor. So next time you hear of someone going missing they’re probably being kept somewhere like Kirkthorpe, Kinsley or even Hemsworth. Whereupon they are forced to wear distinctive Burberry check prison garments, eat kebab meat for breakfast and reproduce at an alarming rate in an effort to manufacture soldiers for the forthcoming Andromedan invasion2

Anyway. When I got home last night there was a parcel awaiting for me containing a note and a pen.

This is very sinister. I suspect that they are already onto me and are aware that I know of their dark and Machiavellian schemes. I can only assume that the recent disappearances of various Wakefield notables, scribes and Livejournalists are somehow linked and that I too, as a paladin for the right to write, am on the WDH Watchlist. Whatever next? Ransom notes? Barnacles? Strange green lights in the sky?

1 – it is a well known fact that the film Silver Dream Racer was in fact a mind control device used to brainwash the 1970’s era passive denim dungaree wearing youths into becoming the violent safety pin pierced yobbos of the early 80’s
2 – The Andromedan invasion fleet are due to arrive sometime after 2053 whereupon devestation will be laid out upon all Earth dwelling things. Only beauty technicians, tour guides and photographers will be able to save us from this which is why college courses in such subjects are over subscribed.

Brierley – Local politics

Ok. I know its not the most interesting of subjects but the lack of information on the candidates in Brierley is shocking. Maybe it’s just me. Politics isn’t the most exciting of subjects and indeed, nobody really cares about things that go on outside of their own private bubble. But remember while we are safe and warm in our little bubbles, nasty evil minded people with their own agendas are taking advantage of disinterest for their own personal gains. They don’t care if your street has a litter bin, they only care about personal gain. Such is politics the world over.

But maybe I’m going about this in the wrong way. After all the internet has only been in widespread usage for at least 10 years. It is foolish of me to even consider that something of democratic and public importance would be published in an easily accessible fashion. Why, it only took me the best part of a week to locate the minutes of Area Forum Meetings post 2005.

WHO ARE BRIERLEY TOWN COUNCIL? What do they do?! I can find nothing about them other than the occasional mention in the area forum minutes. I’m going to try one more path in my search. I have the email address for the secretary of Brierley Town Council which I managed to poach from the Barnsley Council Website (If ever you want to hide some secret data, just ask Barnsley Council if they can publish it for you. Nobody will ever find it on their website). With this newly discovered treasure I shall email to enquire what it is they actually do. I will also suggest that a representative of an electoral candidate makes an appointment with me to discuss what it is they are going to do for the community and the parish in their term of office should I elect them.

Is that an unreasonable request?

Do I not have a democratic right to know something about who it is I am voting for, their political ideals and their opinions?

The plus side of this foraging is that I actually have the addresses of all the candidates. Ok they may not have a web presence according to Mr Google, but they must have physical presence. If they don’t come to me….Maybe I should go to them. Of course I am unable to contact them to make an appointment so I think, over the next week, I shall endeavour to go to their registered addresses and request an audience. Is that unreasonable? Am I just over reacting as usual? Will you come with me and hold my hand in case I get scared?


Dear Mr Council,

Thank you for repairing the first 30ft or so of Church Street which, incidentally, seems to go past a campaign donors house. I think your chaps did a damn fine job and can only suspect that they are intending to continue their sterling work and finish the rest of the street after their holiday, which it seems, started on Friday last week. The Brierley Pot Holes are in danger of getting European protected status if they happen to remain much longer. Though, on reflection, this may actually be your intention. Am I right? Is Brierley to become a new World Heritage Site? Renown for its pot holes. Of course I am being very presumptuous. The workmen aren’t on holiday are they? They’re waiting for the speed bumps and traffic calming measures for Church Street that they’ve got on order. After all there has been a run on them of late. Please accept my apologies!

While I’m on the subject of Church Street, I wrote to you some months previous concerning the dangerous junction of Church Street, Common Road and Brierley Road. I feel that exploiting the danger of this junction would also encourage visitors to the Brierley Pot Holes to experience the junctions thrills and spills. Maybe there could be a small fee levied to each visitor. The proceeds from which could help pay your golf club membership or into some health club scheme. The invitation is open to you and your lovely Lexus. I’m sure you would enjoy the thrill of taking your car out of the shared driveway more, if you brought your favourite car. We could even sell “Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care” T Shirts at the entrance just to remind passers-by that even though the Council is aware of the dangerous junction, because the junction has listed World Heritage status there is no need to worry about breaches of that duty. Again, we could charge for the T-shirts, that’ll help fund us both a nice new widescreen TV. Oooh or how about “Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care” Breeches! You see? The clever play on words? Duty of Care Breeches…no?? Oh well…Still I think they’d be quite fashionable.

Also we could install a toilet at the bottom of my drive as it seems that most people use it as a public convenience anyway. Isn’t there some bylaw or ancient rite or something similar to the laws behind right of way? Maybe we could install a nice marble urinal with all the money from the Tshirts and breeches? I feel these facilities will also come in handy for the daily Brierley Speedway and Grand Prix events which seem to be gaining popularity in the area.

Kind Regards,

Stegzy Gnomepants

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