The Compostual Existentialist

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As inspired by these

Politically correct Christmas Seasonal Festivity Carols Verses Reimagined Seasonal Songs for the noughties by Stegzy Gnomepants (though some might be a little bit too subtle for 9pm on a Monday)

Shhh Its dark
Shhh its dark
Chill out.
Wear your shades
Look! A female who conceived via IVF
Look! That child isn’t chewy and has a chilli pepper mark of 1 chilli pepper
Get some kip while it’s quiet
Get some kip while it’s quiet
– Silent Night


Cor! You can’t half go fast through this slush
On this 16 valve V8 sled
I hope you’ve asked permission to go over this arable land
Think it’s funny do you?
Best not make too much noise with them bells either
You’ll get us served with a flipping ASBO.

– Jingle bells

‘Ere, put some of this plastic spiky leaf stuff up
And some more over there
I reet love christmas me cos I can get reet pissed
– Deck the Halls

Oi! You! Piss heads!
Keep the noise down will ya?
Don’t forget some bloke what was nailed to a tree 2000 years ago
Was born around this time though it was probably more like fucking April what with the lambs and all!
He probably couldnt shut up too,
So if you don’t shut up with your bloody wasailing I’ll come down there and nail you to a sodding tree –
God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

The Holly and the Ivy
When they are both full grown
Will probably end up down the benefits office looking
for some young lad to sire their ticket to a council house like their mother 
– The Holly and the Ivy

Bukkake for those who believe in it,
The exceedingly happy and those that win at sport,
Bukkake for you
Bukkake in a small town in what was once Palestine. – O Come all ye Faithful

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
I saw three ships come sailing in
Poor bastards, didn’t the crew get the day off then?
– I saw three ships

We hope you get leathered in December
We hope you get leathered in December
We hope you get leathered in December
But don’t put too much strain on the NHS with your enlarged and scarred liver through your binge drinking
Your rapid weight gain and all your other over indulgences in the New year

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Author: stegzy

Once, long ago, I wrote frequently on Livejournal. I then moved to Blogspot, where I discovered that blogging requires an audience. So I moved back to LJ. Then over to Dreamwidth, back to LJ, up the road of self hosting with Muckybadger before giving up entirely and moving over to Wordpress. It was at that moment I decided I would spread my compostual nonsense simultaneously across the blogosphere like some rancid margarine. And so here I am. I am a badger. But then I'm not really a badger. I am a human. With badger like tendencies. I am a writer, a film producer and a social commentator. I am available for Breakfast TV shows, documentaries and chats in the pub with journalists.

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