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There’s a monster in the bedroom You don’t want to anger It lives inside the wardrobe And dines on your coat hanger The wife she thinks I’m crazy The neighbour he just mocks I’m fairly certain the monster Occasionally eats my socks It snacks on your shirt buttons And feasts on underwear I thought this…
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Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner child of the urban zoo or maybe it’s because I’m an impatient fucker but sometimes people that dawdle really get me wound up to the point of rudeness. It takes a lot for me to get wound up so much I actually say something. Classic example is when in…
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Here come the men to take Away the rubbish that I make The clutter I want tossed onto the heap In orange bibs they’re dressed Slung casual o’er their vest With Daventry District Council Writ ‘cross their van They make an awful racket But take home a tidy packet To spend on treats and holidays…
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I am the office goblin I live under your desk I eat up all your paper clips And I like to look grotesque I pinch and hide your stapler I break your pencil tips I move your paperwork about And snaffle bulldog clips I am he that Wipes your white board He that alters your…
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I just had an air guitar moment. It was to In Motion Pt 2 by The Gathering. Thing is I was really enjoying myself and then I thought “OMG! Someone might see” so I stopped. Thing is I didn’t think “OMG! Someone might see” because I’m sat somewhere public with millions of people passing by.…
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For some time now I have been fascinated by the origins of surnames (or last names if you want to be all modern and right on). My own surname Gnomepants stems from the Greek Gnomos Pantalonkikos which is a trade that was popular in ancient Greece. People would flock to ancient Athens and Crete to visit…
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Cat! Cat! What are you doing? You’re in a carrier bag You best not be pooing Cat! Cat! Get out of there I need that bag For my underwear Cat! Cat! You soft black brute How can I be angry When you are so cute?
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I once read an article was about physical assaults on driving examiners, how they are on the rise and how the union of driving examiners says it’s all down to the culture of not taking No for an answer. Having worked in the service industry for some years now I am all too familiar with…
The Compostual Existentialist 
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