[On the game show, “Wheel of Fish”, Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper…
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: …or you can go for what’s in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What’s it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I’ll take the box. The box!
[the audience applauded]
Kuni: You took the box? Let’s see what’s in the box!
[Hiro-san opened the box, and the audience gasps in silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You’re so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
– From UHF
Todays first Wheel of Fish contestant is Brenda from Liverpool
Brenda – I cannot log in as I have a message from NDPS
stegzy – Ok what else does the message say
Brenda– Nothing. It just says NDPS.
stegzy – Right. Can you describe this message please
Brenda – It is a grey box with a red bar saying NDPS and it says “This workstation has been locked. This workstation can only be unlocked by the logged in user or a systems administrator.” [2 stupid points]
stegzy – Right…Who does it say is logged in?
Brenda – Noone just NDPS. [2 stupid points]
stegzy switching to couldnt give a flying fuck mode – Ok can you power the PC off please.
Brenda – yes I’ve already done that. Its still there.
stegzy – Knowing some users think switching a PC off means just turning the monitor on and off – Which button did you press?
Brenda – The button on my screen [2 stupid points]
stegzy – Ok Can you press the button on the base unit. Hold it in until the light on the front switches off.
Brenda – Ok I have done that and the light has gone out
stegzy – Now press that button again and it should start again
Brenda – No it isnt. Its just making a whirring noise. It hasnt come on again its gone off
stegzy – That whirring noise is probably because you have powered it back on. Can you press the monitor button again?
Brenda – No It hasnt got one.
stegzy – Coming to the end of patience Ok lets start again. Can you press the button on the base unit?
Brenda – It hasnt got one.
stegzy **POP** **Seethe** **deep breath** – Ok I’ll get a technician out to you. **Types up ticket adding note “User needs to be shown correct power button** – Here is your ticket number. A technician should be out as soon as possible.
Brenda – Ok thankyou
stegzy STUPID! You’re so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!
Next up we have John from Life sciences,
John I WORK FOR MERSEY BIO AND I HAVE NO INTERNET [2 stupid points 5 arrogant fuck wit points]
stegzy – Ok how about email and network drives
John I JUST TOLD YOU I WORK FOR MERSEY BIO I DONT HAVE ANY NETWORK ACCESS [a further 5 arrogant fuck wit points]
stegzy – Do you know what your IP address should be?
John I WORK FOR MERSEYBIO YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT. hang on [ 5 ignorant c*nt points]
John then talks to a chap that has come into his room in the same pissed off tone as he has spoken to me
John – Right its xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx
stegzy – Ok let me look at that. **Do checks on IP address, ping and tracert. They show the connection if fux0red Hmmm ok theres a problem there. Do you have a user name please. [2 stupid points]
John I DO NOT. I WORK FOR MERSEY BIO YOU SHOULD KNOW I DONT HAVE A USERNAME.
stegzy – **knows that to access the university network a user must have a username and password** – What about your email do you access you email? [2 stupid points]
John I DO NOT ACCESS EMAIL I TOLD YOU I WORK FOR MERSEY BIO. I HAVE DONE FOR 7 YEARS like that makes a fucking difference mate! [Dickhead of the week award]
stegzy – Ok I’m sorry I had no idea that Mersey bio were so special. **types up anon user ticket** Ok here is your job reference number we will need to send a technician out to you.
John WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WITH THAT? [50 stupid points]
stegzy Bend over and stick it up your arse because YOU’RE STUUUUUUUUUUUUU-PIIIIIIIIIID! You’re so STUUUUU-PIIIIIIID!
Next we have Joan,
Joan – Hello I am Joan **Said in a tone like I should know immediately who the fuck she is**
stegzy – ok hello so what can I do for you?
Joan – **Sighs as if its my fault I dont know automatically what the issue is** I need to find out which teaching centre has been booked for our lecturer in Whogivesashitology Dr Fred
stegzy – **knows this is going to take ages** hmm ok have you any idea which teaching center it may have been they booked?
Joan – No that is what I’m trying to find out.
stegzy well we have over 20 centres. Do you know when it is they booked it?
Joan – It was a monday.
stegzy Any particular Monday?
Joan not sure it was a Monday in September
stegzy – Ok Well our system only tells you 14 days in advance and as I said there are over 20 centres. It may be quicker to ask the chap who booked the room which room he booked.
Joan – Oh I never thought of that
stegzy That is because you are STU-PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!
Finally, we have Amrita.
Amrita – Hello is there a problem with the email today?
stegzy Yes there is our engineers are investigating sorry for any inconvenice
Amrita – Well we have a really important announcement to make about amoeba in a Lake in some uninhabited area of the world thats really important.
stegzy – Well just for you we will make it work momentarily so that you can send your important announcement. Im sure people really need to know this and it is more important than us having developed a fault. How fucking inconsiderate of us! We should have known that you were about to send an Important email to the whole world. But there really is nothing I can do
Amrita – Oh well I thought there might have been.
stegzy Sorry. I guess we are STU-PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!
Probably more to come…..