Surnames

For some time now I have been fascinated by the origins of surnames (or last names if you want to be all modern and right on). My own surname Gnomepants stems from the Greek Gnomos Pantalonkikos which is a trade that was popular in ancient Greece. People would flock to ancient Athens and Crete to visit the numerous Gnomos Pantalonkikos and inspect their handicrafts. I think Plato said “My Gods! The Gnomos Pantalonkikos in my street is the best!”. At one time one of my ancestors would have been a Gnomos Pantalonkikos and we all know how important they were to the development of civilisation.

Butcher
Butcher (n) – to be a butcher
Heaton-Harris (n) - Wanksplat
Heaton-Harris (n) old Swahili – Wanksplat

So likewise when I come across unusual names I like to look them up (on google & wikipedia) in an effort to locate their origins. Today, I was dealing with a person that goes by the name of Spink. Now Spink is an unusual name from my perspective. I don’t know you might know lots of Spinks, in which case it won’t be all that unusual to you. I know several people called Grobinglops which is quite common though some would argue that they don’t know anyone called Grobinglops and they might find the name Grobinglops unusual. But anyway….that’s by the by. So I look them up and I think “oooh I wonder what their ancestors must have done. So for example someone called Colin Computersalesman would obviously have descended from a prominent Barrel maker. Likewise David Butcher would have been descended from a butcher, Barry Bumscrape – a tramp and Simon Quantumphysicist would most likely have been a quantity surveyor. You get the idea don’t you. Maybe you have a occupational surname too….I know that the likes of Sean Bean would be descended from a bean (maybe he was planted and grew) and Gordon Honeycomb would more than likely have been related to some ancient piece of a bee hive or something.

You get what I’m on about. So I looked up Spink on Wikipedia and I learnt a new thing. So I thought I would share that with you. According to Wikipedia (and yes I know that contrary to popular belief Wikipedia is not 100% reliable) a spink is the formal name for human meat! So at one time this Spink person would have come from a family of food. I can imagine them sitting in the tribal village during the harsh winter months.

Mr Chieftan – We’re so cold. All the meat and food has been eaten. What shall we do?
Mr Advisor – Well why not have a reserve of meat in the village. Fresh meat. How about that family over there? They worked hard in the fields this summer so they’re all nice and muscley. No sinew or fat on them. We could eat them!
Mr Chieftan – Who the Spinks? Well yes! I don’t like the way they look at me anyway

And so it happened, the villagers were eaten and a name gained a meaning.

Tosser of the day award

First Posted on Livejournal in 2006.

 

**Cue Cheesy Big Band Music**
**Audience applause**
Announcer:- Ladies and Gentlemen… Live from the heart of Livejournal …. It’s the Tosser of the Day awards…..and here are your hosts….Terry Forsyth and Fern Finnegan

**Audience applause**

Enter: Host Terry Forsyth; Big chins, big toupé, big ego and Fern Finnegan; fat arse, no personality, cheesy grin.
**Audience go wild**
Terry: Thank you thank you! No please! Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight…hehe…tonight we bring you the award for the biggest…hehe…yes madam that’s bigger than your husband’s…complete tosser from the passage of today….
Fern: Yes Terry…tonight’s award goes to Professor Pepé, head of the department of Rectal Studies at Arse University.
Terry: hoo hoo Fern its a good one is it not?
Fern: Yes indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah for me old Irish charm couldn’t out do this desk monkey even if I tried. Coudit? Ah bejesus.
Fern: Indeed not Terry…So without further ado here is a transcript of the event which awards this gentleman. Lets see if you can spot the tossery that takes place.
**Run VT**


Scene Help desk
**Telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Help desk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.
stegzy – o_0
Prof Pepé – Hello yes. It is Professor Pepé, department of Rectumology I have a problem which was reported by my colleague on my behalf I am wondering if you can tell me when it is likely to be fixed it has been over 20 minutes since he called.
stegzy – o_0……erm…yes well we do have a standard 8 hour response time and the technicians are very busy at the moment so it could take anything up to 8 hours for someone to come over. Do you have a job reference number so that I can check the status of this job for you.
Prof Pepé – ah no my colleague hasn’t informed me of this “reference number” I shall find this out and call you back. Thank you.


Terry: Ok Fern me plump potato. Tell me did you spot the three points of Tossery that happened in that transcript? T’be sure?
Fern: I did indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah ha! Yes! But there’s more..


Scene Helpdesk
**telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Helpdesk
Secretary – Hello Its Professor Pepé’s secretary again. Please hold the line while I put you through again
stegzy – heh
Prof Pepé – Hello yes it’s me again. I have the number for you. It’s fl343940
stegzy – uh huh….right…I can see that your colleague actually only called this in 25 minutes ago. So it is highly unlikely that a technician would be able to call 5 minutes after he logged the call. And your problem is something that is going to require a visit.
Prof Pepé – I see. So when do you think the technician will call.
stegzy – Like I said earlier, I am unable to tell you exactly when a technician will call because they are, at this time of year especially, exceedingly busy and they do have an agreed 8 working hour turn around.
Prof Pepé – I see…so any idea when?
stegzy – Well let’s see…that could be any reasonable time, during working hours, between now and 8 hours time.
Prof Pepé – I see. Ok…thank you for you help.


Terry :hooohoo that Pepé he’s a card.
Fern: Indeed he is Terry. The three of diamonds. But lets see if the audience at home noticed the three points of tossery that were committed.

But lets go through them one by one for the audience at home

**cue Flashy lights & cheesy music**
Fern: Tossery point number one Terry, was:-

stegzy – Hello Helpdesk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.

Terry: Ah bejesus. So it is. Tossery point number one. Nobody is that important that they can not use a telephone to call a person, company or department themselves. Getting your secretary or someone else to dial a number for you unless you have no hands just shows what a tosser you are
Fern: Yes Terry and point of tossery number two:-
Terry: Point numero dos, or as they say in the old country Point number two, is If you ask someone a question listen carefully to their first answer. If you ask them the same question later on it makes you sound senile or just ignorant. Remember, nobody is that important that they don’t have to listen to what people say. Especially if you ask THEM a question
Fern: – Finally Terry, point number three.
Terry: The turd point…Just because you think you’re God sat in your leather bolster lined room, getting your secretary to dial telephone numbers for you and not listening to peoples answers after you have asked them a question, the rest of the world does not stop just because you have a problem with the geometry of your monitor. Nor are you so important that you are unable to press the buttons on the front of your monitor yourself!

**Audience go crazy**

Fern So congratulations Prof Pepé our award is on its way to you and I hope you work out the difference between your trapezoid and your pin balance. Terry?
Terry: Call me Ol’ Tel.
Fern: If you pinch my arse like that again I’ll twat you one and then I’ll set my husband onto you. He’s a TV Chef you know.

**audience go wild**

**roll credits**

Projekt0rz

Her – I’ve plugged my projector in in a room the other side of the building and its not coming on, there’s a blue light flashing but no “wooshing” noise.
stegzy – Have you tried pressing the button by the blue flashing light?
Her – Yes but nothing happened. Can you just come and look at it please?
stegzy – Yes I can come and look a tit.
Traipse to the other side of the building
Her – See?
stegzy – Oh yes
Press button with blue flashing light
Projector – **Wooosh**
Her – How did you do that?
stegzy – I pressed the button.

Someone looked a tit. It wasn’t me

Work

I hate hand in days at work. I want to go home now please.

I’m up and down like a bride’s nightie. Getting stuff from cupboards and change from the till for students who have all been struck with the incoherency bug today.

It should be like this:-

Student – Can I have a clear plastic press stud wallet with two heat binders for 35 pages, a DVD and a submission form
stegzy – Sure. That’ll be £x
Student – Thanks bye.

Instead it is more like this

cut for sanity preservation

A spine

If you come and ask me how to do something then proceed to tell me I’m doing it the wrong way, don’t be surprised if I am rude to you. Honestly, I’m not here to press buttons for you and I’m certainly not here for you to get pissy with me because you’re too damn particular about how things work. Besides which photocopying from books is an art form. I was photocopying from books when you were a wink and a nudge on the dance floor of some shitty nightclub in Leeds.

Student Can you show me how to photocopy this?
stegzy Sure, you put it on the screen like that, set the size and press the green button
Student No thats not what I want. I want that side only **turns book round**
stegzy Well by setting it up like this **Orientates book correctly** you’ll….
Student Well no I want it like this **turns book round**
stegzy Losing patience Go on then you show me how you would do it
Student Well I put it on the screen like this then set the settings like that and then press the green button
Photocopier spits out unusable enlarged image of book page
Student No thats not what I want
stegzy Ok. Well if I turn it like that and set the settings like this and then press the gree…
Student No that won’t work
stegzy Well ok. Tell you what. You do it your way then.
Student I shall
Photocopier still spits out unusable copies
stegzy Tell you what. Humour me. **Sets up how it should be presses button**
Photocopier spits out usable copy
Student Oh right. Well can I have a refund for all these unusable copies?
stegzy No.

EDITED TO ADD Look at this post from 2006. Same day as today. Serandipity? National You’re Doing it Wrong day?

Dozy cow Can I bring these books back to any library?
stegzy – You can take them back to any of the three University of Huddersfield Libraries yes. This one, the one in Huddersfield itself and the one in Oldham.
Dozy Cow What about the library in Selby?
stegzy – That’s not part of the University of Huddersfield.
Dozy Cow – Why not?
stegzy – Erm..because it’s not part of Huddersfield University
Dozy Cow – Well that’s just stupid.
stegzy – Yes it is.

Mad Woman I vud like to renew my bookinks pleases
stegzy Certainly
**Scan card check record**
stegzy I’m sorry there are requests on three of your books you will need to bring them back
Mad Woman Vy?
stegzy Because your loan period has expired on these books and people are waiting to borrow them
Mad Woman Vell can’t zey be borrowinks other bookinks? Vy do zey vant zeez?
stegzy Probably because they are the only copies we have
Mad Woman Vell zat is stupidinkz Vy do zeez people vant to borrowinks zeez bookings? Vy?
stegzy Thats the nature of a library love
**Exit Mad Woman**
**Enter Mad Woman**
Mad Woman Vy? Vy do zeez peoplinks be need zeez bookinks? Vy?
stegzy I have no idea. Perhaps they need them for an assignment
Mad Woman Vell zat is stupidz. I’ve never heard of anythinkz so stupidz.

Of course it is all my fault

Nookie

I saw a sign today in college. Free Chlamydia Screening.

When I was at school chlamydia of course hadn’t been invented, AIDS was something gays and junkies died of and bonking was something other people did. Perhaps it was just me though. I remember David Griffiths regaling us with tales of his sexual conquests and Ray often boasted about his. Of course nobody believed them 100%, maybe 60%. But being at an all boys school things nookie was something other people did. Bare in mind my first proper girlfriend, Laura, (who went to the neighbouring all girls school) was a believer in the “after marriage” idiom. Something she changed her mind about in her early 20’s much to my chagrin. No, nookie only happened to other people.

Of course the older I got, the more adventurous my peers became, even Guy who had left school at 16 to pursue a career in motor mechanics seemed to be getting some. Me? Nah, sex was something that happened to other people. Since then and the older I’ve got, I’ve heard tales of teenage wild sexual abandonment from the likes of jimrock, Mrs Gnomepants, Scott, Min and other contemporaneous peers. I’ve come to accept that instead of hanging out at the church hall, singing in choirs, mixing with moody types and other outcasts I should have been down town, larging it up and getting laid.

So when I see such signs in places frequented by youth I get a slight tinge of jealousy. How come they’re getting it and I didn’t? The answer is, of course, attitudes have changed and it is expected that the youth today would be humping each other like rabbits without a care in the world [and also they’re not hanging round in church halls with suspicious asexuals]. Then see, adverts have changed, the portrayal of sex in the media in general has changed, sex sells, sex is forced into our eyes daily whether it be bra adverts on billboards or the latest episode of In the Night Garden. Well that’s how I see it anyway.

Of course since my teenage years I’ve had “adventures”. I’ve had numerous partners, fumbles in the dark and one night stands; hell at one point if it moved I’d have probably fucked it, but still that little voice at the back of my head says “yeah but you didn’t get any when you were at school” Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe at 34 I am a member of the generation where nookie was an after thought and romance and courtship a forethought. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just the product of an earlier set of ideals. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me, I don’t feel any animosity or regret over the fact I didn’t get laid until I was 21. I suppose I empathise with the youth that are similar to how I was, having the fact that they aren’t out catching all sorts of diseases from mucky girls, thrust in their faces when walking through college. It’s enough to put anyone off….

Kids today eh?

Disease

Most of the ICT support staff (75% of us) are off work either on holiday or with some virulent lurgy. Me? Well I called into the LRC in the UCB to be told I can start when I get my starter pack (which should have arrived on Saturday). Chaos. So here I am in the helpdesk in NEW (there’s nothing new about it love) college, 25% of the ICT support people, fending off phone calls and avoiding students. Imagine had I called in today to say “I’m not coming in dude!”. Wow!

Home life is active. The weekend was spent shopping, eating and trying to track down a restaurant I’d spotted while travelling at warp speed through Darfield. This week I’m probably going Most likely definitely going to be attempting to get my course work out of the way. It’s already mounting up!

Incidently you’ll notice I’ve been doing a lot of friends only posts of late. This is purely to avoid prying work like eyes snooping about. The other day I was stood outside UCB enjoying the air when someone walked past and said “You look rather angry on your Facebook Picture”. Me? Angry? Must be some mistake.

Things I’m going to do when I’m a Student

  • Deliberately forget my password regularly
  • Approach IT Support and ask them questions I know the answer to and act daft when they provide me with the solution
  • Ignore every sign and notice
  • Work off a floppy disk for the whole time I am there.
  • a) I will not keep a backup of any important work, in fact I will keep the most important work on this floppy disk.
    b) I will then put the disk next to a magnet before putting into a toaster and demand that the IT Support people put it right again
    c) Obtain a 5 1/2 inch floppy from somewhere and insist that they provide me with the means to extract data from it

  • Be Pro Mac to Windows biased IT support staff
  • Be Pro Microsoft to Mac biased IT Support staff
  • Call the helpdesk at 5 minutes before they close with a complex software issue
  • Call the helpdesk every day with some inane and awkwardly difficult task, request or question

Do you know? I’m really going to enjoy this….:-D