The Compostual Existentialist

Wordpress flavour with added crunchy bits


For some time now I have been fascinated by the origins of surnames (or last names if you want to be all modern and right on). My own surname Gnomepants stems from the Greek Gnomos Pantalonkikos which is a trade that was popular in ancient Greece. People would flock to ancient Athens and Crete to visit the numerous Gnomos Pantalonkikos and inspect their handicrafts. I think Plato said “My Gods! The Gnomos Pantalonkikos in my street is the best!”. At one time one of my ancestors would have been a Gnomos Pantalonkikos and we all know how important they were to the development of civilisation.


Butcher (n) – to be a butcher

Heaton-Harris (n) - Wanksplat

Heaton-Harris (n) old Swahili – Wanksplat

So likewise when I come across unusual names I like to look them up (on google & wikipedia) in an effort to locate their origins. Today, I was dealing with a person that goes by the name of Spink. Now Spink is an unusual name from my perspective. I don’t know you might know lots of Spinks, in which case it won’t be all that unusual to you. I know several people called Grobinglops which is quite common though some would argue that they don’t know anyone called Grobinglops and they might find the name Grobinglops unusual. But anyway….that’s by the by. So I look them up and I think “oooh I wonder what their ancestors must have done. So for example someone called Colin Computersalesman would obviously have descended from a prominent Barrel maker. Likewise David Butcher would have been descended from a butcher, Barry Bumscrape – a tramp and Simon Quantumphysicist would most likely have been a quantity surveyor. You get the idea don’t you. Maybe you have a occupational surname too….I know that the likes of Sean Bean would be descended from a bean (maybe he was planted and grew) and Gordon Honeycomb would more than likely have been related to some ancient piece of a bee hive or something.

You get what I’m on about. So I looked up Spink on Wikipedia and I learnt a new thing. So I thought I would share that with you. According to Wikipedia (and yes I know that contrary to popular belief Wikipedia is not 100% reliable) a spink is the formal name for human meat! So at one time this Spink person would have come from a family of food. I can imagine them sitting in the tribal village during the harsh winter months.

Mr Chieftan – We’re so cold. All the meat and food has been eaten. What shall we do?
Mr Advisor – Well why not have a reserve of meat in the village. Fresh meat. How about that family over there? They worked hard in the fields this summer so they’re all nice and muscley. No sinew or fat on them. We could eat them!
Mr Chieftan – Who the Spinks? Well yes! I don’t like the way they look at me anyway

And so it happened, the villagers were eaten and a name gained a meaning.


Tosser of the day award

First Posted on Livejournal in 2006.


**Cue Cheesy Big Band Music**
**Audience applause**
Announcer:- Ladies and Gentlemen… Live from the heart of Livejournal …. It’s the Tosser of the Day awards…..and here are your hosts….Terry Forsyth and Fern Finnegan

**Audience applause**

Enter: Host Terry Forsyth; Big chins, big toupé, big ego and Fern Finnegan; fat arse, no personality, cheesy grin.
**Audience go wild**
Terry: Thank you thank you! No please! Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight…hehe…tonight we bring you the award for the biggest…hehe…yes madam that’s bigger than your husband’s…complete tosser from the passage of today….
Fern: Yes Terry…tonight’s award goes to Professor Pepé, head of the department of Rectal Studies at Arse University.
Terry: hoo hoo Fern its a good one is it not?
Fern: Yes indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah for me old Irish charm couldn’t out do this desk monkey even if I tried. Coudit? Ah bejesus.
Fern: Indeed not Terry…So without further ado here is a transcript of the event which awards this gentleman. Lets see if you can spot the tossery that takes place.
**Run VT**

Scene Help desk
**Telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Help desk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.
stegzy – o_0
Prof Pepé – Hello yes. It is Professor Pepé, department of Rectumology I have a problem which was reported by my colleague on my behalf I am wondering if you can tell me when it is likely to be fixed it has been over 20 minutes since he called.
stegzy – o_0……erm…yes well we do have a standard 8 hour response time and the technicians are very busy at the moment so it could take anything up to 8 hours for someone to come over. Do you have a job reference number so that I can check the status of this job for you.
Prof Pepé – ah no my colleague hasn’t informed me of this “reference number” I shall find this out and call you back. Thank you.

Terry: Ok Fern me plump potato. Tell me did you spot the three points of Tossery that happened in that transcript? T’be sure?
Fern: I did indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah ha! Yes! But there’s more..

Scene Helpdesk
**telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Helpdesk
Secretary – Hello Its Professor Pepé’s secretary again. Please hold the line while I put you through again
stegzy – heh
Prof Pepé – Hello yes it’s me again. I have the number for you. It’s fl343940
stegzy – uh huh….right…I can see that your colleague actually only called this in 25 minutes ago. So it is highly unlikely that a technician would be able to call 5 minutes after he logged the call. And your problem is something that is going to require a visit.
Prof Pepé – I see. So when do you think the technician will call.
stegzy – Like I said earlier, I am unable to tell you exactly when a technician will call because they are, at this time of year especially, exceedingly busy and they do have an agreed 8 working hour turn around.
Prof Pepé – I see…so any idea when?
stegzy – Well let’s see…that could be any reasonable time, during working hours, between now and 8 hours time.
Prof Pepé – I see. Ok…thank you for you help.

Terry :hooohoo that Pepé he’s a card.
Fern: Indeed he is Terry. The three of diamonds. But lets see if the audience at home noticed the three points of tossery that were committed.

But lets go through them one by one for the audience at home

**cue Flashy lights & cheesy music**
Fern: Tossery point number one Terry, was:-

stegzy – Hello Helpdesk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.

Terry: Ah bejesus. So it is. Tossery point number one. Nobody is that important that they can not use a telephone to call a person, company or department themselves. Getting your secretary or someone else to dial a number for you unless you have no hands just shows what a tosser you are
Fern: Yes Terry and point of tossery number two:-
Terry: Point numero dos, or as they say in the old country Point number two, is If you ask someone a question listen carefully to their first answer. If you ask them the same question later on it makes you sound senile or just ignorant. Remember, nobody is that important that they don’t have to listen to what people say. Especially if you ask THEM a question
Fern: – Finally Terry, point number three.
Terry: The turd point…Just because you think you’re God sat in your leather bolster lined room, getting your secretary to dial telephone numbers for you and not listening to peoples answers after you have asked them a question, the rest of the world does not stop just because you have a problem with the geometry of your monitor. Nor are you so important that you are unable to press the buttons on the front of your monitor yourself!

**Audience go crazy**

Fern So congratulations Prof Pepé our award is on its way to you and I hope you work out the difference between your trapezoid and your pin balance. Terry?
Terry: Call me Ol’ Tel.
Fern: If you pinch my arse like that again I’ll twat you one and then I’ll set my husband onto you. He’s a TV Chef you know.

**audience go wild**

**roll credits**


Her – I’ve plugged my projector in in a room the other side of the building and its not coming on, there’s a blue light flashing but no “wooshing” noise.
stegzy – Have you tried pressing the button by the blue flashing light?
Her – Yes but nothing happened. Can you just come and look at it please?
stegzy – Yes I can come and look a tit.
Traipse to the other side of the building
Her – See?
stegzy – Oh yes
Press button with blue flashing light
Projector – **Wooosh**
Her – How did you do that?
stegzy – I pressed the button.

Someone looked a tit. It wasn’t me


I hate hand in days at work. I want to go home now please.

I’m up and down like a bride’s nightie. Getting stuff from cupboards and change from the till for students who have all been struck with the incoherency bug today.

It should be like this:-

Student – Can I have a clear plastic press stud wallet with two heat binders for 35 pages, a DVD and a submission form
stegzy – Sure. That’ll be £x
Student – Thanks bye.

Instead it is more like this

cut for sanity preservation

A spine

If you come and ask me how to do something then proceed to tell me I’m doing it the wrong way, don’t be surprised if I am rude to you. Honestly, I’m not here to press buttons for you and I’m certainly not here for you to get pissy with me because you’re too damn particular about how things work. Besides which photocopying from books is an art form. I was photocopying from books when you were a wink and a nudge on the dance floor of some shitty nightclub in Leeds.

Student Can you show me how to photocopy this?
stegzy Sure, you put it on the screen like that, set the size and press the green button
Student No thats not what I want. I want that side only **turns book round**
stegzy Well by setting it up like this **Orientates book correctly** you’ll….
Student Well no I want it like this **turns book round**
stegzy Losing patience Go on then you show me how you would do it
Student Well I put it on the screen like this then set the settings like that and then press the green button
Photocopier spits out unusable enlarged image of book page
Student No thats not what I want
stegzy Ok. Well if I turn it like that and set the settings like this and then press the gree…
Student No that won’t work
stegzy Well ok. Tell you what. You do it your way then.
Student I shall
Photocopier still spits out unusable copies
stegzy Tell you what. Humour me. **Sets up how it should be presses button**
Photocopier spits out usable copy
Student Oh right. Well can I have a refund for all these unusable copies?
stegzy No.

EDITED TO ADD Look at this post from 2006. Same day as today. Serandipity? National You’re Doing it Wrong day?

Dozy cow Can I bring these books back to any library?
stegzy – You can take them back to any of the three University of Huddersfield Libraries yes. This one, the one in Huddersfield itself and the one in Oldham.
Dozy Cow What about the library in Selby?
stegzy – That’s not part of the University of Huddersfield.
Dozy Cow – Why not?
stegzy – Erm..because it’s not part of Huddersfield University
Dozy Cow – Well that’s just stupid.
stegzy – Yes it is.

Mad Woman I vud like to renew my bookinks pleases
stegzy Certainly
**Scan card check record**
stegzy I’m sorry there are requests on three of your books you will need to bring them back
Mad Woman Vy?
stegzy Because your loan period has expired on these books and people are waiting to borrow them
Mad Woman Vell can’t zey be borrowinks other bookinks? Vy do zey vant zeez?
stegzy Probably because they are the only copies we have
Mad Woman Vell zat is stupidinkz Vy do zeez people vant to borrowinks zeez bookings? Vy?
stegzy Thats the nature of a library love
**Exit Mad Woman**
**Enter Mad Woman**
Mad Woman Vy? Vy do zeez peoplinks be need zeez bookinks? Vy?
stegzy I have no idea. Perhaps they need them for an assignment
Mad Woman Vell zat is stupidz. I’ve never heard of anythinkz so stupidz.

Of course it is all my fault