Tosser of the day award

First Posted on Livejournal in 2006.

 

**Cue Cheesy Big Band Music**
**Audience applause**
Announcer:- Ladies and Gentlemen… Live from the heart of Livejournal …. It’s the Tosser of the Day awards…..and here are your hosts….Terry Forsyth and Fern Finnegan

**Audience applause**

Enter: Host Terry Forsyth; Big chins, big toupé, big ego and Fern Finnegan; fat arse, no personality, cheesy grin.
**Audience go wild**
Terry: Thank you thank you! No please! Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight…hehe…tonight we bring you the award for the biggest…hehe…yes madam that’s bigger than your husband’s…complete tosser from the passage of today….
Fern: Yes Terry…tonight’s award goes to Professor Pepé, head of the department of Rectal Studies at Arse University.
Terry: hoo hoo Fern its a good one is it not?
Fern: Yes indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah for me old Irish charm couldn’t out do this desk monkey even if I tried. Coudit? Ah bejesus.
Fern: Indeed not Terry…So without further ado here is a transcript of the event which awards this gentleman. Lets see if you can spot the tossery that takes place.
**Run VT**


Scene Help desk
**Telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Help desk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.
stegzy – o_0
Prof Pepé – Hello yes. It is Professor Pepé, department of Rectumology I have a problem which was reported by my colleague on my behalf I am wondering if you can tell me when it is likely to be fixed it has been over 20 minutes since he called.
stegzy – o_0……erm…yes well we do have a standard 8 hour response time and the technicians are very busy at the moment so it could take anything up to 8 hours for someone to come over. Do you have a job reference number so that I can check the status of this job for you.
Prof Pepé – ah no my colleague hasn’t informed me of this “reference number” I shall find this out and call you back. Thank you.


Terry: Ok Fern me plump potato. Tell me did you spot the three points of Tossery that happened in that transcript? T’be sure?
Fern: I did indeed Terry.
Terry: Ah ha! Yes! But there’s more..


Scene Helpdesk
**telephone rings**
stegzy – Hello Helpdesk
Secretary – Hello Its Professor Pepé’s secretary again. Please hold the line while I put you through again
stegzy – heh
Prof Pepé – Hello yes it’s me again. I have the number for you. It’s fl343940
stegzy – uh huh….right…I can see that your colleague actually only called this in 25 minutes ago. So it is highly unlikely that a technician would be able to call 5 minutes after he logged the call. And your problem is something that is going to require a visit.
Prof Pepé – I see. So when do you think the technician will call.
stegzy – Like I said earlier, I am unable to tell you exactly when a technician will call because they are, at this time of year especially, exceedingly busy and they do have an agreed 8 working hour turn around.
Prof Pepé – I see…so any idea when?
stegzy – Well let’s see…that could be any reasonable time, during working hours, between now and 8 hours time.
Prof Pepé – I see. Ok…thank you for you help.


Terry :hooohoo that Pepé he’s a card.
Fern: Indeed he is Terry. The three of diamonds. But lets see if the audience at home noticed the three points of tossery that were committed.

But lets go through them one by one for the audience at home

**cue Flashy lights & cheesy music**
Fern: Tossery point number one Terry, was:-

stegzy – Hello Helpdesk.
Secretary: – Hello I’m Professor Pepé’s secretary. Please hold the line while I put you through.

Terry: Ah bejesus. So it is. Tossery point number one. Nobody is that important that they can not use a telephone to call a person, company or department themselves. Getting your secretary or someone else to dial a number for you unless you have no hands just shows what a tosser you are
Fern: Yes Terry and point of tossery number two:-
Terry: Point numero dos, or as they say in the old country Point number two, is If you ask someone a question listen carefully to their first answer. If you ask them the same question later on it makes you sound senile or just ignorant. Remember, nobody is that important that they don’t have to listen to what people say. Especially if you ask THEM a question
Fern: – Finally Terry, point number three.
Terry: The turd point…Just because you think you’re God sat in your leather bolster lined room, getting your secretary to dial telephone numbers for you and not listening to peoples answers after you have asked them a question, the rest of the world does not stop just because you have a problem with the geometry of your monitor. Nor are you so important that you are unable to press the buttons on the front of your monitor yourself!

**Audience go crazy**

Fern So congratulations Prof Pepé our award is on its way to you and I hope you work out the difference between your trapezoid and your pin balance. Terry?
Terry: Call me Ol’ Tel.
Fern: If you pinch my arse like that again I’ll twat you one and then I’ll set my husband onto you. He’s a TV Chef you know.

**audience go wild**

**roll credits**

People are People – Classic from the archives

I’ve noticed there are several types of people that use help desks.

1. The Finger Post Gazers – Thems the type that come to the desk wanting something that’s right under their noses. Often unable to see beyond their personal space. They see assistants purely as a finger post

User – Can you tell me where the wall is please?
stegzy – **points**

2. The Rule Bender – They know the rules. They’ve been explained on countless occasions. But regardless they constantly try to get the rules bent. They have an aura of self importance.

Stegzy – I’m sorry you can’t borrow this book as it is reference only.
User – Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease

3. The Fake Dozer – They are generally quite bright and eloquent. But they know that if they act like dozy duffers they’ll generally get their way. Kind of related to the Rule Bender.

4. The Best Friend – These are the people that see every helpful person as their bestest bestest friend. They use friendly names, banter and generally seem pleasant. But secretly they are shallow manipulative people. They use their friendliness to make the assistant feel bad about being rude to them or for pointing out the rules.

5. The Dependant – They will not take advice from any Tom Dick or Harry. They want their favourite. If their favourite is not available then they either huff or question your every drop of advice. The look on their face when you point out that their favourite’s advice is flawed is often priceless.

6. The Daily Questioner – These people can not go 24 hours without asking a question. Even if there is no genuine need to ask a question they will. They can often be seen straining to think of a question they can ask and the questions they do ask are often banal. Like “Is there air in this room?” or “Which way is down?”

7. The Stupid – These people genuinely are as daft as a brush. They are generally ignorant of the huge 82pt bold signs on walls or doors stating purpose. Unfortunately they are pandemic.

User – **ignoring the sign on the door that says HELPDESK** Excuse me, Is this the helpdesk?
Stegzy – No it’s the fucking butchers.

I’m sure there are more but I can’t think of them at the moment, I’m being pestered by a Best Friend and a Stupid.

Bloopers of the day: 1

In case you have no idea what it is that I do, basically it’s this….I assess assessments for students doing IT qualifications.

The current assessment I am assessing is report written by the students on installing a new hard drive. Bloopers include:

“To install the hard drive first open the cassis” – Because you need a strong blackcurrant drink before you even start looking at the inside of a PC

“With The Hard Drive Back Inn” – The pub all geeks want to drink at

“Remove the old hard drive and place it on an anti static map” – You know…in case it gets lost

Noooo

stegzy Hiya, I’m here to swap your monitor for a new one.
Woman looking genuinely shocked and visibly saving everything on her computer’s desktop Oh no…will that mean I will lose everything off my desktop?
stegzy Er…yes…and you will also lose your first born.

Another example of the over paid under skilled further education staff in my work.

Stupid

*Her *- I have all these weird emails in my inbox. I think I might be
infected. There’s about 50 of them. I daren’t open them
*Me* – Ok I’ll come and investigate
*One long walk to the other end of the college later
**Her *- Look!
*Me *- *Observing large collection of emails in Inbox* Ok, I’ll just open
one to see what it is. Cover your eyes incase it is obscene.
*Her* – *Covering eyes* What are they?
*Me* – *Reading *They appear to be pictures….of documents…”Guidance
notes for Psychology students”
*Her* – Oh that’s all the pages I asked reprographics to email me yesterday.
*Me* – You spaz.

Work

I hate hand in days at work. I want to go home now please.

I’m up and down like a bride’s nightie. Getting stuff from cupboards and change from the till for students who have all been struck with the incoherency bug today.

It should be like this:-

Student – Can I have a clear plastic press stud wallet with two heat binders for 35 pages, a DVD and a submission form
stegzy – Sure. That’ll be £x
Student – Thanks bye.

Instead it is more like this

cut for sanity preservation

Fault Queue

If you know me you’ll know, despite internal ragings, I have the patience of a saint. I haven’t given it back yet because he hasn’t asked for it, but none the less, I have their patience. So perhaps this is why what I am about to relate to you happens to me with alarming frequency.

I’ve noticed it happen a lot lately. It happens in a variety of places be it in shops, offices or on the street. It doesn’t appear to happen to anyone else but I’m sure it does. What is it? Well, it hasn’t got a name. It is more of an occurrence than a thing.

Let’s say I’m queuing for a cup of coffee. There are 4 people in front of me. Each of the 4 get served speedily and without issue. But then it’s my turn.

Stegzy– Hello please may I ha….
Barista #1 – Oh sorry love hang on
Barista #2 – ‘ere Barista #1, was it beans on the jacket potato or was it tuna?
Barista #1 – Oh you daft bugger, it was tuna and gravy with meaty chunks, did you get the gravel out of the fridge?
Barista #2 – No but I left the intricate lace work doillies in the sink
Barista #1moving away from the counter to go behind the scenes won’t be a minute love
An age passes
Barista #1 – Sorry love what was it?
Stegzy – Please may I have a coffee?
Barista #1 – yes hang on
Barista #1 goes through motions of making coffee
Barista #2 comes out from back room
Barista #2 – I can’t find the Rabbit and beef in jelly
Barista #1 – They’re under the sink
Barista #2 – Can you show me?
Exunt Barista #1 & Barista #2
Two minutes pass
Barista #1 returning from back room Sorry love, what was it?
Stegzy – I’ve forgotten

The same happens in shops, petrol stations and bars. Different staff. Totally unrelated incidents. Similar events. What’s worse is, while all this is going on there is a queue of people growing behind me tutting and sighing at me. As if it is MY fault. Of course, long term Livejournal Flisters will know that it is, of course, my fault. Everything is my fault. Germany invading Poland? That was me. Twin towers? Me too. Krakatoa? Yup….my fault.

Anyway, as if this wasn’t some sort of global shop keeping conspiracy, the same happens when I’m driving. I’ll queue at a give way sign. The cars in front have no problem getting out of the junction. Some go straight out. But when it gets to me, it’s like all the travellers in the world have to use that road. Worse, some don’t use their indicators. Or when one direction clears, everyone coming from the other direction decides they want to come past or turn right into the road I’m turning right out of.

Then, there’s the drivers that go reeeeeeeeeeeeeally slow. They pull out in front of you from some give way junction because they are clearly in a hurry, but then proceed to stick to 20 mph when you can’t over take them, and when it’s over take time, the fuckers speed up….I mean what’s going on there?!

It’s hard not to think it is just me. It’s harder not to think that this is all some sort of conspiracy against me. So because of this difficulty….that is what it must be. It is a global conspiracy. Against me. A global penance for everything being MY fault.

Stupid of the day

user – Can you help me with the photocopier? I want to copy double sided originals to be single sided
stegzy – Ok. Well you need to set it up like this. Then put your documents on here like that. And press the green button like this.
user – Great
**Many copies later**
user – Oh its printing out blank pages.
stegzy – You have selected to copy double sided originals to single sided copies
user – Yes
stegzy – And these originals are single sided.
user – I’m sorry I don’t understand
stegzy – Neither do I
user – Eh?
stegzy – How you got onto a degree course.

A spine

If you come and ask me how to do something then proceed to tell me I’m doing it the wrong way, don’t be surprised if I am rude to you. Honestly, I’m not here to press buttons for you and I’m certainly not here for you to get pissy with me because you’re too damn particular about how things work. Besides which photocopying from books is an art form. I was photocopying from books when you were a wink and a nudge on the dance floor of some shitty nightclub in Leeds.

Student Can you show me how to photocopy this?
stegzy Sure, you put it on the screen like that, set the size and press the green button
Student No thats not what I want. I want that side only **turns book round**
stegzy Well by setting it up like this **Orientates book correctly** you’ll….
Student Well no I want it like this **turns book round**
stegzy Losing patience Go on then you show me how you would do it
Student Well I put it on the screen like this then set the settings like that and then press the green button
Photocopier spits out unusable enlarged image of book page
Student No thats not what I want
stegzy Ok. Well if I turn it like that and set the settings like this and then press the gree…
Student No that won’t work
stegzy Well ok. Tell you what. You do it your way then.
Student I shall
Photocopier still spits out unusable copies
stegzy Tell you what. Humour me. **Sets up how it should be presses button**
Photocopier spits out usable copy
Student Oh right. Well can I have a refund for all these unusable copies?
stegzy No.

EDITED TO ADD Look at this post from 2006. Same day as today. Serandipity? National You’re Doing it Wrong day?