The Compostual Existentialist

Wordpress flavour with added crunchy bits


Projekt0rz

Her – I’ve plugged my projector in in a room the other side of the building and its not coming on, there’s a blue light flashing but no “wooshing” noise.
stegzy – Have you tried pressing the button by the blue flashing light?
Her – Yes but nothing happened. Can you just come and look at it please?
stegzy – Yes I can come and look a tit.
Traipse to the other side of the building
Her – See?
stegzy – Oh yes
Press button with blue flashing light
Projector – **Wooosh**
Her – How did you do that?
stegzy – I pressed the button.

Someone looked a tit. It wasn’t me

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Whats the name?

Student – I’ve lost my USB stick
stegzy – What’s the name?
Student Look of bewilderment – My name or the USB sticks name?
stegzylook of “OMG! Mankind has no future” with a sardonic smile – No your pet cat’s name.
Student – I haven’t got one.
stegzy – You haven’t got a name or a cat?
Student – Eh? Ohhhh my name
Dropping penny – CLANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Audience – **cheers**

Good to see its not limited to University students. Though saying that, somewhere between 6th form and University they tend to lose a bit of common sense I reckon. See other stupid-user posts for comparison.


Conferences

stupid user:- Hello
stegzy – Hello

stupid user:- I am holding a conference. You might have heard of it. It is the Conference for the Incredibly Boring
stegzy – erm….no sorry…must have missed that one
stupid user:- Well you might know it as the Department of Too Much Grant Money.
stegzy – Oh yes…right…
stupid user:- Well as I said…I have organised a conference and I would like some temporary usernames please
stegzy – Right well…if you go to <web address> then you will see a form. You will need to complete that and you can have the usernames from the next working day.
stupid user:- But I need them now. I’ve organised this conference. It is today! I was assured by <name drop> that I could have them
stegzy Indeed but even they are unable to get temporary usernames at this much short notice.
stupid user:- But I’m with the Department of Really Important.
stegzy I’m sorry but I didn’t design the system. The process takes place overnight and the usernames are usually available on the afternoon of the  following working day.
stupid user:- But…but….I have all these people from all round the world at the conference who need access. I don’t have time to fill in forms.
stegzy Well maybe if you didn’t spend so much time wallowing in your own self importance you might have a bit left over to actually fill in a form which would probably only take you 5 precious minutes. You could probably have filled it in while you were having a wank over your fucking guest list and had it to us when you first thought about having your intellectual bukkake session. Isn’t that what organising a conference is all about? Making sure your candidates have the relevant resources available to them? Like pens? Paper? Usernames? Fuck, even I could have organised your fucking wankathon with my eyes closed you self righteous name dropping fuckwit
stupid user:- You are right. I shall go and become a burger flipper straight away. Thankyou for showing me the light.
stegzy It’s that big bright thing hanging from the ceiling.
stupid user:- Thankyou.


Joker of the day

stegzy – Helpdesk Drive Thru
User: Hello I’m Professor Importantpants. I am unable to log into my computer this morning and I have a really important game of golf to arrange
stegzy – Ok and are you getting any error messages?
User: Yes I am. I am getting that message that tells you there is no network connection
stegzy Ah ha! Please can you check that the network cable is connected to the back of your PC and to the network socket on the wall.
User: **snort of contempt** Would you send someone out to do that please?
stegzy : Oh I’m sorry are you not at your PC
User: why yes! But I I’m far too busy to do that.
stegzy: Unfortunately I cannot send out a technician to check whether or not your cable is connected to the back of your PC and the wall socket
User: exasperatedHrrmph! Oh really! Wait…

Wait
Listen to scrabbling
listen to huffing and puffing
Muffled “bloody cleaner”
Listen to sighing
Listen to tappity tap tap of keystrokes

User: oh…yes that works now. Bye
**click**

Stupid lazy fucker could have had to wait 8hours if I had been able to send out a technician. Didn’t even say thankyou either….


Self Righteous Tits

A bloke comes in. Asks for my help printing an A0 poster. So I show him the correct way to do his poster and show him his mistakes. His sizes were way out and some of his objects were outside of the print area.

“NO!” he exclaims “It worked fine my way the other day”

Ok so why ask!?

“Ok. I’m sorry. We’ll try your way” says I “Just remember you can’t put 2 pints in a 1 pint jug without emptying it first”

I reset the file to how it was when he came in and send it to print. He’ll get charged £30 for a nice sheet of glossy A0 paper with a postage stamp image in the top right hand corner. I bet the cheeky fuck will also demand a refund.


Stone Age Helpdesk

10,000 BC

Ug:- Ug Helpdesk. Ug help you?
Thog:- Thog call Ug. Thog had fire. Fire gone. Ug help Thog. Ug bring fire back.
Ug:- Thog try relight fire?
Thog: Ug ask stupid question. Of course Thog try relight fire. Fire gone. Thog cold. Ug fix.
Ug:- Thog use flint?
Thog:- Thog use flint. Fire work before water from sky. Water from sky break fire. Ug fix now. Thog get mad.
Ug:- Thog need new wood. Thog need dry wood.
Thog:- Thog no have wood. Thog take Ug wood
Ug:- Thog no take Ug wood. Ug mad.
Thog:- Thog bash Ug
Ug:- Ug bash Thog

Fast forward to the modern day