Projekt0rz

Her – I’ve plugged my projector in in a room the other side of the building and its not coming on, there’s a blue light flashing but no “wooshing” noise.
stegzy – Have you tried pressing the button by the blue flashing light?
Her – Yes but nothing happened. Can you just come and look at it please?
stegzy – Yes I can come and look a tit.
Traipse to the other side of the building
Her – See?
stegzy – Oh yes
Press button with blue flashing light
Projector – **Wooosh**
Her – How did you do that?
stegzy – I pressed the button.

Someone looked a tit. It wasn’t me

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Whats the name?

Student – I’ve lost my USB stick
stegzy – What’s the name?
Student Look of bewilderment – My name or the USB sticks name?
stegzylook of “OMG! Mankind has no future” with a sardonic smile – No your pet cat’s name.
Student – I haven’t got one.
stegzy – You haven’t got a name or a cat?
Student – Eh? Ohhhh my name
Dropping penny – CLANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Audience – **cheers**

Good to see its not limited to University students. Though saying that, somewhere between 6th form and University they tend to lose a bit of common sense I reckon. See other stupid-user posts for comparison.

Conferences

stupid user:- Hello
stegzy – Hello

stupid user:- I am holding a conference. You might have heard of it. It is the Conference for the Incredibly Boring
stegzy – erm….no sorry…must have missed that one
stupid user:- Well you might know it as the Department of Too Much Grant Money.
stegzy – Oh yes…right…
stupid user:- Well as I said…I have organised a conference and I would like some temporary usernames please
stegzy – Right well…if you go to <web address> then you will see a form. You will need to complete that and you can have the usernames from the next working day.
stupid user:- But I need them now. I’ve organised this conference. It is today! I was assured by <name drop> that I could have them
stegzy Indeed but even they are unable to get temporary usernames at this much short notice.
stupid user:- But I’m with the Department of Really Important.
stegzy I’m sorry but I didn’t design the system. The process takes place overnight and the usernames are usually available on the afternoon of the  following working day.
stupid user:- But…but….I have all these people from all round the world at the conference who need access. I don’t have time to fill in forms.
stegzy Well maybe if you didn’t spend so much time wallowing in your own self importance you might have a bit left over to actually fill in a form which would probably only take you 5 precious minutes. You could probably have filled it in while you were having a wank over your fucking guest list and had it to us when you first thought about having your intellectual bukkake session. Isn’t that what organising a conference is all about? Making sure your candidates have the relevant resources available to them? Like pens? Paper? Usernames? Fuck, even I could have organised your fucking wankathon with my eyes closed you self righteous name dropping fuckwit
stupid user:- You are right. I shall go and become a burger flipper straight away. Thankyou for showing me the light.
stegzy It’s that big bright thing hanging from the ceiling.
stupid user:- Thankyou.

Joker of the day

stegzy – Helpdesk Drive Thru
User: Hello I’m Professor Importantpants. I am unable to log into my computer this morning and I have a really important game of golf to arrange
stegzy – Ok and are you getting any error messages?
User: Yes I am. I am getting that message that tells you there is no network connection
stegzy Ah ha! Please can you check that the network cable is connected to the back of your PC and to the network socket on the wall.
User: **snort of contempt** Would you send someone out to do that please?
stegzy : Oh I’m sorry are you not at your PC
User: why yes! But I I’m far too busy to do that.
stegzy: Unfortunately I cannot send out a technician to check whether or not your cable is connected to the back of your PC and the wall socket
User: exasperatedHrrmph! Oh really! Wait…

Wait
Listen to scrabbling
listen to huffing and puffing
Muffled “bloody cleaner”
Listen to sighing
Listen to tappity tap tap of keystrokes

User: oh…yes that works now. Bye
**click**

Stupid lazy fucker could have had to wait 8hours if I had been able to send out a technician. Didn’t even say thankyou either….

Self Righteous Tits

A bloke comes in. Asks for my help printing an A0 poster. So I show him the correct way to do his poster and show him his mistakes. His sizes were way out and some of his objects were outside of the print area.

“NO!” he exclaims “It worked fine my way the other day”

Ok so why ask!?

“Ok. I’m sorry. We’ll try your way” says I “Just remember you can’t put 2 pints in a 1 pint jug without emptying it first”

I reset the file to how it was when he came in and send it to print. He’ll get charged £30 for a nice sheet of glossy A0 paper with a postage stamp image in the top right hand corner. I bet the cheeky fuck will also demand a refund.

Stone Age Helpdesk

10,000 BC

Ug:- Ug Helpdesk. Ug help you?
Thog:- Thog call Ug. Thog had fire. Fire gone. Ug help Thog. Ug bring fire back.
Ug:- Thog try relight fire?
Thog: Ug ask stupid question. Of course Thog try relight fire. Fire gone. Thog cold. Ug fix.
Ug:- Thog use flint?
Thog:- Thog use flint. Fire work before water from sky. Water from sky break fire. Ug fix now. Thog get mad.
Ug:- Thog need new wood. Thog need dry wood.
Thog:- Thog no have wood. Thog take Ug wood
Ug:- Thog no take Ug wood. Ug mad.
Thog:- Thog bash Ug
Ug:- Ug bash Thog

Fast forward to the modern day

Wheel of Fish

[On the game show, “Wheel of Fish”, Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper…
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: …or you can go for what’s in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What’s it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I’ll take the box. The box!
[the audience applauded]
Kuni: You took the box? Let’s see what’s in the box!
[Hiro-san opened the box, and the audience gasps in silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You’re so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
– From UHF

Todays first Wheel of Fish contestant is Brenda from Liverpool
Continue reading “Wheel of Fish”

Dreams, Train & Stupid Students

Dreams

I’ve been having a lot of dream re-runs recently. Last night it was the one about trying to get on the London Underground, more specifically at Mudchute (which in my dreams is underground rather than overground or wombling free). To get on the platform I have to go through an old hospital or school, go down old stair wells (often near or in disused warehouses, sometimes containing old steam locomotives). I then have to climb out of a tunnel and onto the platform. Trying to get to street level sometimes proves to be difficult as the stairs are all wrong an’ ting.

Dunno what it is about trains, they feature in my dreams frequently . Yeah I know the train/tunnel imagery, but its not trains going into tunnels and most certainly not a sexual dream. Locomotophilia is not my pot of tea (for one with jam & cream scone) thank you very much. A quick glance at internet and it reveals

TrainsTo see a train in your dream, represents conformity and go along with what everyone else is doing. You have the need to do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around.

To dream that you are on a train, is symbolic of your life’s journey and suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed for the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.

To see or dream that you are in a train wreck, suggests chaos. The path to goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. Or you may be lacking self-confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals.

To dream that you are the engineer, signifies that you are in complete control of a particular situation in your waking life.

To dream that you miss a train, denotes missed opportunities or nearly escaping your death.

Yeah right.

Stupid Students

The university runs some long distance/correspond by email courses. The more observant of you may have noticed their adverts popping up around the internet. Well anyway, most of these courses are postgraduate based courses and I would say that at least 80% of the students of this scheme ring or email back within 10 days of registration to say that they have forgotten their username and password. Which….they would have chosen themselves. Now, yeah ok, I can understand in today’s IT based world where we have umpteen gazillion passwords and usernames, but we get thousands of noobs every September who register for the IT system in exactly the same way. Then we never hear from them again! So why is it that the ones that register at home cannot remember? I dunno.

Which reminds me. Yesterday (or it might have been the day before) a student approached me with a problem.

stegzyYes I can see the problem. Ok now what you need to do is click the right mouse button.
User: **clicks left mouse button**
stegzy No the right mouse button
User: That’s what I did.
stegzy No you didn’t
User: Oh yeah…tee hee….I always get confused
stegzy What are you studying may I ask?
User: Nursing
stegzy Remind me not to get ill when you’re on duty yeah?

And that my friends….is what they call in the trade….a TRUE story. Word for word!

Reports

First off, from London, storm1jet2 texted and is ok, and my big high-flyer solicitor friend Tim (whom I see at Christmas) also let me know he is ok. We are still waiting to hear from “Little gay” Chris. But he’s probably in Singapore or Paris making clothes for someone famous. I don’t really want to go into anything about the bombings, mainly because I don’t know anything other than what I hear, see and read. In times like this its best to keep an open mind as to what’s gone on and not speculate or swallow all of the media we are fed.

The chaps in the office have Radio 2 on who are broadcasting bulletins nearly every 5 minutes. Yet little has changed. Nothing new to report, although occasionally someone will speculate on something and then moments later get their speculation disregarded because of something else. I’ll probably be flamed for saying this but there are other things going on in the world, G8 protests etc. yet the bombings seem to have blanketed most of the other news. Big news I suppose. But there’s only so much you can report without repeating yourself incessantly.

In the pub at lunch time they had the TV on Sky news, I heard and saw the same items being read about 4 times in 30 minutes, pictures of the damaged bus and live footage of a street where these guys were pushing these cages up and down the street. Cage pushing being completely newsworthy. Pointless news coverage! Yes I know people are concerned and worried about loved ones and things, I’m not going on about that. I do have compassion (despite what some people may think about me). What I am going on about is the 24 hour media circus constantly braying on about the same bits of news until something happens like an investigator farts or someone spots a box in a doorway and we end up with 2 hours of footage of a box, professors from the University of Bangladesh discussing boxes and parliament footage from right wing back benchers demanding a ban on boxes. The same treatment was given to the 9/11 events, the 12/27 tsunami and the death of the Pope. Endless…tiresome. Almost akin to 1960’s psychological torture. It got so bad that Ifan, the Landlord, flicked over to the cricket.

Another, unrelated, example is BBC breakfast. Yesterday when I turned on Breakfast (at about 7:55) it went like this.

Tail end of local weather
Graphics and music
Cue Dermot Murnanhahnehanmanan
Dermot (wearing a huge fuck off grin) Hello the Olympic committee results will be announced at 12ish today so I’m in Singapore and you’re not! Look at me! I’m in Singapore! Wooo!! Now back to Sian in London
Sian Fuck off Dermot you lucky bastard

Like why send him all that way to Singapore? What the fuck can he do there that he cant do from here other than grin his big “Look at me” grin? Ok at least Natasha Kaplinski (who secretly fancies me honest) in Kenya is curiously interesting for a brief angstroms of a second before she ponces about showing off her tan and talking to a bloke who milks elephants or something. But all Dermot seemed to do, from his studio overlooking the Singaporian skyline, was link to reporters at the venue itself!

A final example, is like when someone gets shot or sent to prison for stealing a cat they sometimes show the outside of their house. Why?! Like knowing where someone lives makes an ounce of difference as to what’s happened. Local BBC news is bad for this and also for using stock footage. Either that or there’s this couple that walk up and down Blackpool Promenade at the same time everyday for the past 5 years and just happen to time their passage passed the camera perfectly!

Why is it that these news corporations feel the need to report on things like this with tiresome repetitiveness? I know just watching a pretty face reading out the news while some background graphic changes is not very interesting. But neither is repeating the same thing over and over again. Really? Is it?? I mean like just think about repeating the same thing over and over again? It gets repetitive repeating things over and over really doesn’t it? I spoke to a professor here at the University of Liverpool who has written many books about repeating.

stegzy – Prof Proff Proph would you like to explain why we need to go into close detail and repeat ourselves time and time again?
Prof Proph – Yes I think I would like to explain in detail why we have the need to go into detail and repeat ourselves. We like to repeat ourselves because we like to know as much detail as we can about things. This is normal and I have in the past gone on about detail and why going into detail is important and crucial to our development of detail and incessant repeating of the same facts over and over again.
stegzy – I’m sorry I have to interrupt you there as we go live to the House of Commons where we have a motion raised by Daley Maylereadr MP for somewhere in Surrey
Cut to House of Commons
MP I suggest to this house that repetitiveness and fine detail should be banned and so should fine detail and repetitiveness. In fact I raise the motion that fine detail and repetitiveness should be made illegal as it only assists the rise in terrorism and repetitiveness. And should have an ID card too!

Anyway, I’ll shut up about it now.

If you know someone injured, missing or killed then you have my sympathy and thoughts. I don’t want to go on and on like BBC News 24. I’m going to have a news break for a couple of days I think.