Somewhere, in Hollywood, there are some creatures that feed on lost time. I’m certain of it. Maybe they’re aliens from another world where time is a scarce commodity. Or maybe they’re from closer to home, over worked executives wanting to somehow recapture their own lost time via some temporal thievery. Whatever they are in order to harvest this lost time these creatures produce films that sap peoples time. This “lost time” is then harvested, processed and devoured by these creatures. Maybe so they can spend longer on the golf course or at home with the wife and kids. Who knows?
One thing I do know though, one such time sapping film is The Strangers. I’d seen it advertised on telephone boxes around Skegness when I was there last month. A warning in itself typically. From experience, films that tend to be heavily advertised tend to be bobbins (though I will concede that there are some exceptions). Today I was at a loss for something to do so I thought I’d treat myself to a “back to school” visit to the cinema. I checked the boards and the local cinema had a wide choice of films that I didn’t really fancy. However, it was showing The Strangers. So parting with my £5 (that’s WITH student discount! I remember when £5 would get 2 of you in and you’d still have change for popcorn and a flat pop) I settled down with the only 2 other people in the theatre to watch Liv Tyler being terrorised. An hour and twenty five minutes later I realised something. That something was IT WAS THE END.
I felt like I had been mugged. Time – forcibly ripped from my internal egg timer. Gone. Never to return. If someone from the film industry had said to me “Give me £5 and I’ll make you lose an hour and a half from your life” I’d have said “Fuck off!” yet there I was….An hour and a half older with nothing to show for it except a stub of card with “Screen 13 – The Strangers 13:00 Student £5” written on it mockingly. It may as well have had “TWAT!” written upon it.
Though it’s probably unfair of me to point the snot encrusted finger of accusation at The Strangers I should point out that there are other films which have been created by the Time Vampires. Indeed, cumulatively, I reckon the bastards have stolen from me well over a years worth of time over the 35 years I have been on this planet. Which should, by rights, make me 34.