imagesWhat do you say when you don’t understand someone? “Pardon?”, “What?”, “Please can you repeat that?” or do you grunt non-committedly and hope your vocalisation is interpreted as the appropriate response?
Maybe you contort your face into a half smile, the kind of facial expression that could be interpreted as a smile but can equally be seen as a grimace of pity or sincerity.  Maybe you half close your eyes to disguise your misunderstanding.

Does this happen when you communicate with non-native English speakers or those with particularly strong accents?

How about the written word? Does yous follow coherently the aspects of the authors graphical scribing or do your eyes skip over the page like a troupe of River Dancers?

Sometimes I’m like that. Sometimes it happens like this:

“Hey Stegzy”


“mrmparhrn neramaeat pot noodle grmbn mrmmrph”


“mrmparhrn neramaeat pot noodle grmbn nermrmmrph”

At this point I do the half-smile nod-shake. Often this results in a confused look that I’m quick to detect so I quickly turn the situation round with

“Sorry no, can you say it again a bit slower”

This usually results in an exasperated sigh and either a slower version of “mrmparhrn neramaeat pot noodle grmbn nermrmmrph” or a slightly clear translation.

“My partner. Never eats hot poodle gravel nermrmmrph”

“Oh I see” I’ll say, part guessing what they’re saying or maybe just that the person talking to me is off their rocker. I’ll bluff and hope it goes away. They then say something like

“What do you think of that?”

At this point I’ll panic slightly, unsure of the correct convention to answer by. If I say something like “I totally agree” I might be agreeing to something abhorrent. If I say something like “I don’t agree” I might be coming out as some sort of heartless bastard. Usually I’ll go for the safe “I’m not sure” which makes me out as a non-committal coward but it’s often better that way. Of course there are times when I just admit that I didn’t understand in the first place.

“I’m sorry can you repeat what you said”

“My partner. Never eats hot poodle crumble mixers”

She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.


No win no flea

Airlines – Oi! The Met office data is shit. Let us fly.
Air traffic control – Ok but if you all die don’t come crying to us
Airlines – Yayy
Planes fall out of sky
Airlines – That’s terrible thing to do. Letting us fly in all that ash. It’s all your fault

Airlines – Oi! The Met office data is shit. Let us fly.
Air traffic control – No. People might die.
Airlines – Stuff people. We need money for golf.
Air traffic control – Sod off.
Airlines – In that case we’ll campaign government to have the restrictions removed.
Government – Remove the restrictions
Planes fall out of the sky
Airlines – Its all the Air traffic control people/Government’s fault.

Airlines – Oi! The Met office data is shit. Let us fly.
Air traffic control – No. People might die.
Airlines – Stuff people. We need money for golf.
Air traffic control – Sod off.
Airlines – In that case we’ll campaign government to have the restrictions removed.
Government – Sod off. Voters might die.
Airlines – Oh woe is us. We have no money (having pissed it all up on the golf course) We have now gone bust. Give us some money
Planes fall out of the sky
Government – We haven’t got any but ok.
Airlines Yayy.


I called my mum and dad this evening. My mum seems to think I’m destined to have a stroke any time soon. It seems this is her new thing. A while back any ache or pain and it was naturally the start of Cancer or down to the fact that you may have smoked. Now she applies the same to strokes it seems.

For example:

stegzy – Yes I had this weird twinge in my jaw that lasted three days.
Mum – It’s probably the start of a stroke

stegzy – I have this peculiar runny nose
Mum – Stroke

stegzy – I’ve been staying up dead late recently and I’m dead tired all day
Mum – Oh might be a stroke.


stegzy – I think this Tshirt has shrunk in the wash
Wife – I don’t. I think its because you have grown a belly
stegzyRemembering the previous weeks of takeaways Hmmm you may have a point.

I have become rotund. Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. I’ve put on a bit of weight over the past month. I put this down to my propensity for salt and pepper spare ribs and to the fact I’m frequently not arsed to cook lately. I love cooking but lately I just can’t be arsed. Recent trips to the shops, mostly the supermarket (yeah yeah I know) as I am being too lazy to trawl the market, have been uninspiring. This week, with finances looking like a steaming pile of plop, my meals have mostly consisted of what lucybutler and aladdin_saneUncle Monty might call “Caravan Food”. Last night I had left over salad (salad made with the brown slightly on the turn salad vegetables in the fridge), the night before I had cold roasted sausage and frozen left over home made curry. These culinary morsels have been complimented with apples and the occasional morish orange. So my diet is a bit cack. I’m wondering if the belly is actually the first sign of malnutrition. Probably not though.

I’ve been thinking about the weekend and what activity I might get involved in. Money is tight (I really could do with a job) so voyages to the bottom of the county are not an option. Trips to the local surroundings are. Saturday is RMerry’s birthday. She is having a party at Elsecar heritage centre. Yes that’s right. Elsecar heritage centre. Which has a minor selection of heritage activities to participate in. Unless you count a giant kiddies fun factory type thing as heritage. So I might take the opportunity to sneak off and do a bit of geocaching.

  • There really is nothing that is as satisfying as a really good poo.
  • It amazes me that some people do not know the correct way to pass scissors.
  • I am baffled by the concept of headphone discos.
  • People who are in a rush should wear a sign on their head saying "I AM IN A RUSH" rather than snap at people who are just trying to do their job.
  • Like wise, people who are in a bad mood should be legally obliged to state that they are in a bad mood. Anyone dealing with the person in a bad mood should be legally obliged to refuse to deal with the moody bastards until they have calmed down or be able to pass them on to a specially trained moody bastard customer service person who will take it up the arse from the moody bastards without contracting moody bastarditus themselves.
  • Lately I can’t stop weeing (as in I have to go to the toilet every 30 minutes). I hope it isn’t prostate problems……..

Student How do I photocopy?
Stegzy Well you need to buy a photocopy card they come in two sizes; 80 pence and £2.
Student Can I have an 80 pence one please?
Stegzy Sure
Student How much are they?
stegzy er….80p.

Whiter Shade of White

Mrs Gnomepants – What about this one?
stegzy – yes thats nice
Mrs Gnomepants – You don’t think it’s too square?
stegzy – It’s a tile. It’s meant to be square
Mrs Gnomepants – – You know what I mean
stegzy – Er…
Mrs Gnomepants – But what about this one?
*holds up identical tile*
stegzy – It’s the same tile
Mrs Gnomepants – It isn’t. This one is more fussy
stegzy – How the fuck can a tile be more fussy? Oh I don’t want to go on the wall next to that tile I want to go next to the other tile?
Mrs Gnomepants – Don’t be rude you know what I mean
Twenty tiles and 5 Tile show rooms later
Mrs Gnomepants – What about this tile?
stegzy – It’s the same as the first one you picked up
Mrs Gnomepants – No it isn’t, this one is squarer
stegzy – Arrrrrrrrrgh

I chose the wrong day to do without ciggies.

Dog’s dinner.

Caught the bus into Uni this morning with the intent of having a few pints after classes this afternoon. When you catch the peasant wagon not only are you crammed into a oblong metal box with the great unwashed, but you get to hear the various conversations that go on around. They’re like social snap shots at times.

This morning I was torn between two gents discussing their various civil penalties (magistrate court fines, community service etc) and a group of girls bitching about some Cassanova who has been putting it about unbeknownst to his current squeeze.

However, as usual the best conversation is always left until last.

**phone rings**
Girl One Hiya…….yeah….no I’ll be there in two minutes. Am just on the bus….ok see you in a bit **hangs up phone** Fucking two faced bitch
Girl Two No. That was two faced.
Girl Three LOLZ0RZZZ

Umbrella ladies


stegzy – Where are you?
Mrs Gnomepants – I’m in the Raven in Wakefield with Scott.
stegzy – What time will you be home?
Mrs Gnomepants – I’m setting off soon why don’t you come and join us?
stegzy – Because I’m nearly home now. I’ll see you when you get back


Text from Mrs Gnomepants – Will be home soon. Just waiting for Scott.


Text from Mrs Gnomepants – Our Lyndz will bring me home. Won’t be long now


Phone call
Lyndz – I’m calling you from the speed camera on Pontefract Road do you know why?
stegzy – You’ve hit someone?
Lyndz – No. Because I’ve had to stop to let your drunken wife be sick
stegzy – Ah. Right.


Mrs Gnomepants returns. Drunk. Very very drunk. She is currently talking to Rolf on the great white telephone.

Silly girl.

Kitchen: More Saga than an old peoples holiday resort

Plasterer – Hello. I was going to come and finish the plastering tomorrow but I am having to work in Wigan this week.
Wife – Oh
Plasterer – I can come at the weekend
Wife – We’re away
Plasterer – Oh
Wife – But we can arrange for someone to be here
Plasterer – Yayy
Wife – Woo
Plasterer – I’m really sorry for messing you around. If you get the tiles and stuff I’ll tile your kitchen for 40 quid.
Wife – Woo yayy hoopla!

Ah well….another week of take aways and microwave meals. At this rate I’ll be dead by the time the kitchen is finished.

I blame fj_warren.

Joker of the day

stegzy – Helpdesk Drive Thru
User: Hello I’m Professor Importantpants. I am unable to log into my computer this morning and I have a really important game of golf to arrange
stegzy – Ok and are you getting any error messages?
User: Yes I am. I am getting that message that tells you there is no network connection
stegzy Ah ha! Please can you check that the network cable is connected to the back of your PC and to the network socket on the wall.
User: **snort of contempt** Would you send someone out to do that please?
stegzy : Oh I’m sorry are you not at your PC
User: why yes! But I I’m far too busy to do that.
stegzy: Unfortunately I cannot send out a technician to check whether or not your cable is connected to the back of your PC and the wall socket
User: exasperatedHrrmph! Oh really! Wait…

Listen to scrabbling
listen to huffing and puffing
Muffled “bloody cleaner”
Listen to sighing
Listen to tappity tap tap of keystrokes

User: oh…yes that works now. Bye

Stupid lazy fucker could have had to wait 8hours if I had been able to send out a technician. Didn’t even say thankyou either….

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