Lay off the cheese before bed

For two nights in a row I’ve had some crazy bat shit dreams.

Tuesday night culminated in me trying to keep hold of a rather cheeky looking snake while walking through Woolton village and last night found me being asked by my boss to take a mature student home to perform sexual services as part of her degree, I was concerned by this not because it is totally not in my job description but because I have deadlines on Monday and it would have prevented me from doing my work. o_O

Coming up in the news for today:

Prescription drugs. Does putting in a prescription on Wednesday mean your drugs are available on Friday? We find out.
Selling your house. Why might people not want to buy my lovely house?
Taking time off work. As deadlines loom, more and more student assistant librarians are taking time off to finish assignments. Will 3 ½ hours extra work really make that much of a dent in one’s output?
Goodfella’s Meat Feast Pizza. It claims to be a new and improved recipe but still there isn’t enough cheese. We find out why.
And toast. Do you know which side your toast is buttered?

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  • There really is nothing that is as satisfying as a really good poo.
  • It amazes me that some people do not know the correct way to pass scissors.
  • I am baffled by the concept of headphone discos.
  • People who are in a rush should wear a sign on their head saying "I AM IN A RUSH" rather than snap at people who are just trying to do their job.
  • Like wise, people who are in a bad mood should be legally obliged to state that they are in a bad mood. Anyone dealing with the person in a bad mood should be legally obliged to refuse to deal with the moody bastards until they have calmed down or be able to pass them on to a specially trained moody bastard customer service person who will take it up the arse from the moody bastards without contracting moody bastarditus themselves.
  • Lately I can’t stop weeing (as in I have to go to the toilet every 30 minutes). I hope it isn’t prostate problems……..

Student How do I photocopy?
Stegzy Well you need to buy a photocopy card they come in two sizes; 80 pence and £2.
Student Can I have an 80 pence one please?
Stegzy Sure
Student How much are they?
stegzy er….80p.

Money

There was a thing on the breakfast telly this morning about how the credit card companies have got these wrist band things that you wave about in front of a scanner instead of handing over cash. True to form this got me thinking.

Reasons I like having cash in my pocket

  • It’s handy
  • Soon as I have money on my person people remind me I owe for this that and the other
  • I like to jiggle the coins in my pocket when I’m waiting or loitering
  • Coins can be used to undo some screws
  • The feeling of weight in ones pocket is weirdly assuring
  • You can put it in your sock and bash people on the head with it
  • I can pay people for things

Reasons I don’t like having cash in my pocket

  • It sometimes falls out and slips down the side of the couch
  • The though of carrying some plague victims coinage round in my pocket makes me feel uneasy
  • It jingles when you run
  • People have this uncanny psychic knowledge that you have cash and they want some for something or other
  • Living in the back-o-beyond means to obtain cash I need to drive 4 miles to the nearest cash machine

Replacing it with a wrist band…hmmm I dunno…that just makes me feel futuristic. I don’t like that.

The drive to work is becoming tedious. Like nearly every day theres a different stretch of Pontefract Road with some form of road works on it. The journey back isn’t that much better (I go a different way home than I go to work) and made worse by idiot drivers who seem to be pandemic across the Yorkshire region.

  • In the UK “Give Way” means give way to oncoming traffic. It doesn’t mean get pissed off with people because they wont let you out at a junction.
  • If there is a parked car on your side of the road and going round it would mean you are travelling in the oncoming lane you GIVE WAY to oncoming traffic not chance your luck at squeezing in between.
  • Failing to indicate on roundabouts, parking on tight bends and not using the correct lane on a roundabout all seem to be a popular pastimes.
  • The few courteous drivers that there are here are too courteous letting every fucker and his wife in at junctions

Last night I took it upon myself to clean the innards of my computer. I took all the components out and put them in the dishwasher So I took the side panel off and sucked out the biggest dust puppy I’ve ever seen. No wonder my computer was overheating! Dust puppy!? More like dust Doberman!

I also took the opportunity to remove the Soundblaster Audigy that I never use (the motherboard’s onboard sound card is much better IMO) and put in the TV Card I never use. It was only after I’d put everything back in place that I realised the analog signal for TV in the UK is being switched off soon (2010 or summat) which will render the TV card defunct. Furthermore, the reception in my lead lined house could only manage a grainy picture of Lord Levy, attributed to the crappy portable aerial I had to use. So I think I’ll whip it out again. Likewise I’ll disconnect the scanner I never use and free up some system resources.

Anyway the dust clearing worked and the temperature thingie registered a cool 46°C rather than the warm 53°C. Maybe now Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 will work without rebooting every time a complex bit of graphics is drawn. Thats something that is really pissing me off at the moment because like every time I sit down to play it something happens and I have to go elsewhere or the system reboots or aliens attack my room or the stock markets crash or something. I’m very close to giving it up as a bad job and just watch crap TV all night instead.

Last night I also watched the penultimate episode of 5 Days on BBC1. I reckon I know who did it now 😉

Lecktrick

Came home last night and nearly died. My shed door was wide open. Initial thought was “Fuckers!! They’ve nicked everything”. This swiftly turned to “OMG! They’re still here” as I saw a beany hatted head stick its head out in reaction to my approaching car. Thoughts then resolved to “Ah tis only Dominic the electrician”.

Dominic, the cool electrician (he never grumbles, works like a horse and always has a smile on his face) had come to replace our external lights for PIR lights. He is also fitting us a new house alarm (the one he fitted during the rewire didn’t come up to our standard) and has fitted a nice shiny new security light above the garage door.

This now means that when the light is triggered at night my Gate Cam gets a nice clear image of the car and starts taking pictures. Ace! We are also toying with the idea of putting a couple of wireless webcams around the property and getting a crappy Pentium III running W2K and the old 6GB HD I have knocking about. Thing is I don’t want to pay for the PIII. I have a PII but I don’t think that would be powerful enough nor do I think I can find some old webcam software the same standard as WebcamXP. Especially as I had a clear out of all my redundant
Win9x/ME software disks recently.

We took a trip to B&Q too last night. It was eerie walking round B&Q at 7pm. It was as if we were the only people in there. But we managed to get a nice lock for the back door, some energy saving light bulbs and some batteries for the weighing scales. We got back just in time to catch Five Days which watches like some cheap clone of 24 only without explosions and Edward Woodward looking old and fat.

In other news, the nicely painted kitchen needs to be painted again. The wife has decided that the paint currently in use isnt splash resistant enough for use in a kitchen. Currently it is a nice subtle bluey greeny white but it is getting scuffed and there are splashes where the dishwasher is.

I also need to have a look at the drains. The one where the sink and dishwasher empties gets blocked by gunk. I think I need to remove the metal grille and raise it beyond the bottom of the outflow pipe. DIY is not one of my strong points but I’ll give it a whirl.

Today’s juice contained

Carrot
Celery
Sprout
Radish
Orange
Lime
Apple
Lettuce

I didn’t have any. It looked rank. But the wife enjoyed it.

Hasp

Our visit from Nick & Sarah was most enjoying. We headed out to Wintersett and the Anglers Retreat Public House which appears in the Good Beer Guide. A pleasant enough place filled with yokel types but only serving 3 very well kept cask ales (Tetley, John Smiths and Samuel Smiths). They don’t do food though which is a shame as it would probably do really well. It was the kind of pub you half expected the local poacher to enter at any moment laden with pheasants and trout. However the lack of pub grub forced us out to New Miller Dam where we had a fine feast (me opting for the all day breakfast, it being one of the only dishes that didn’t have potato) and had a casual stroll round the dam.

In the evening, the wife and I headed out to Lindseys for a take away from Aagrah and home again for an earlyish night. Sundays activities involved trying to fix the hinge on the garage door (the old one had rusted and snapped) without nipping out to B&Q for a hinge only to give that up as a lost cause and nipping out to B&Q.

At B&Q I got:-

  • Expanding foam in a can
  • Electric Screwdriver
  • 2 x T Hinges
  • Tape measure
  • A cheese burger with onion
  • Lost trying to get back to Brierley from Stairfoot Roundabout.

The nice chemical burns on my fingers from the expanding foam make it look like I haven’t washed my hands in weeks.

15 days and no potato. Jerusalem Artichokes are a suitable replacement though….:-D