Last time

This is the last time I’m making plans for the weekend.

 

What I Planned

What actually happened

Torchwood version
 Get up at 9  Got up at 9:30. In a bad mood because Mrs Mop
had been pissing everywhere last night (including on my
jeans).
 “Morning! By the way I’m bisexual”
 Have healthy breakfast  Had bacon and sausage barm from dirty flowershop “I’ll have a bacon and sausage barm. With your sausage because I might be gay.”
 Go to farm shop for veg  Waiting for windowcleaning/car fixing brother-in-law to finish up  “You can chamois leather my bum after you’ve done those windows because I’m Omnisexual.”
 Go to new farm shop for a poke around  Sitting round writing LJ posts  “Let’s have group sex and be done with it.”
 Come home and cook delicious food  Even that tin of brussell sprouts is now starting to look appealing  “You can eat me”
 Relax in the thought that no more expense until next pay day  Mrs Mop has had a flare up of her cystitis. That’s another £60 I’ve go to find.  “Are you the vet? I’m a sleazy time travelling lounge lizard with added animal magnetism”
 Take over the world  Thwarted by George W Bush ” And I would have gotten away with it if it wasnt for you pesky kids. Fancy some sex.”

Things I’m going to do when I’m a Student

  • Deliberately forget my password regularly
  • Approach IT Support and ask them questions I know the answer to and act daft when they provide me with the solution
  • Ignore every sign and notice
  • Work off a floppy disk for the whole time I am there.
  • a) I will not keep a backup of any important work, in fact I will keep the most important work on this floppy disk.
    b) I will then put the disk next to a magnet before putting into a toaster and demand that the IT Support people put it right again
    c) Obtain a 5 1/2 inch floppy from somewhere and insist that they provide me with the means to extract data from it

  • Be Pro Mac to Windows biased IT support staff
  • Be Pro Microsoft to Mac biased IT Support staff
  • Call the helpdesk at 5 minutes before they close with a complex software issue
  • Call the helpdesk every day with some inane and awkwardly difficult task, request or question

Do you know? I’m really going to enjoy this….:-D

A message from our Sponsors

Every year, in Britain, thousands of young people struggle to find things to do. The more fortunate can often be found wandering the streets aimlessly like mindless zombies looking for a tiny piece of recognition or attention from anyone who cares to give it whereas the less fortunate, hanging around off licences threatening adults into purchasing them alcohol, wearing ill fitting clothes and occasionally sat on mopeds paid for by their unloving, uncaring, sofa bound TV addicted parents . However there are those teenagers who are not so fortunate. Those that stay at home, watch TV, do homework, use the internet, read books or meet up with friends at the local park for a chat and maybe some harmless play. It is these youths that really need your help.

Dig deep you heartless bastards

Tom-Tom

I’ve noticed an increase in drivers using Sat-Nav devices such as Tom-Tom and I find it highly amusing.

I understand that some drivers such as taxi operatives, delivery people, sales people etc would, and probably do, find SatNav technology essential in their day to day drivings. However I have noticed people using the devices on pointless journeys such as to drop the kids off at school or to go and get their paper from the corner shop. Like are they scared of getting lost or something? They made the journey a billion times before SatNav was affordable so what’s changed?

My dentist, Clive, is a prime example. Last time I saw him the following conversation took place

Clive – You know about these technological thingies don’t you Mr Gnomepants
stegzy – uhuh
Clive – what do you think about these Tom-Tom SatNav devices? Only I’ve been thinking of getting one for the BMW
stegzy – uh uh-uh-blop-uff-n-os
Clive – Pointless? How so?
stegzy – uh-plph n-op-fl-oph ng-omm fn shp frngn fiph uh
Clive – Hmmm I see what you mean I’d never thought of it like that

But he still went and got one. I know for a fact that Clive makes the same journeys. He drives to and from his surgery and his home, he goes to the supermarket once a week and he might nip into town occasionally. Now unless he was in some weird maze experiment where the streets changed and moved on some random basis then he really has no need for a SatNav.

Of course I coveted one myself when I got my PDA but I realised I really would have no need for one except maybe when angelhands and I went on one of our whirlwind mystery tours. But had they been like £50 or free with a packet of cornflakes I would probably have got one.

Alas they are more expensive than that and like I’ve already stated I would really have no need for one.

Our kid got one for his dual fuel environment killing 4 x 4 off roader (which he never goes off road in). His reason why? It looks cool and his mate had one. Fuck that! I said, ” It just looks like you can’t read a road map, you have more money than you know what to do with and it looks like you get lost going to the end of the garden path. Besides you’ve got a wankers car and everyone thinks you’re a tosser anyway.”

But thats just our kid.

So I’m going to create and market the latest in car essential. It will be a black box with 2 LEDs. One red one green. The green light will remain on but very very rarely the red light will switch on and the green light will switch off. Just for the hell of it. And they will cost £200. Oh and if you don’t have one in your car you’ll look like a complete wazzak…..I just need to get my soldering iron out but I can’t seem to find my way to my shed….Anyone have a Satnav I can borrow?

Awards and GLASTONBERTY

The wonderful mer__girl awarded me this

angelhands is going to Glastonbury. I’m not.

So I shall be having my own mini-festival in my back garden. Yeah you better believe it!

I’ve booked some top acts.

U2, Fingerbang, Badger and the Andrex Puppy, DeathCarrot, The Surprises and many more.

Oh yes! Admission is by ticket only and they cost £50 each.

Its bound to be crap worth every penny.

I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working.

I feel like I’ve run a marathon last night. Think the early start and late end of Saturday has caught up with me.

In other news the outside tap has defied reason. The inside taps all worked fine. The shower was as pleasant as always. But the outside tap…well…that just wouldn’t work. I fiddled under the sink this morning and the network of bent copper that is Barratt* plumbing, but still the fucker wouldn’t work. Then, after filling the watering can using the kitchen tap for the 3rd time….the tap started to work. Bastard.

Guess the gremlins have taken angelhands‘ absence as an opportunity to annoy me. The buggers have also hidden my staff card, made Spongebob fall off his shelf in the study, popped 2 lights and made my trousers vanish. Its either gremlins or Yoda & Missis Mop are playing tricks….

* Barratt – Specialists in Lego houses.

Metric v Imperial

The Today program on BBC Radio 4 had an interesting article this morning about how the UK still works in imperial (yards, pounds, inches etc) despite moves by the European Parliament to put us in line with the rest of the world using metric (centimetres, grams etc).

Click here for several centimetres of diatribe

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